Speechless
Collette
looked down at the body before her. What an ugly dress, she thought
unhappily. She grimaced and looked around for her family. They sat in
the front row. Her husband remained restrained, not letting any tears
fall down his face. Her blond daughter, Ali, who sat next to him, was
a mess in opposition to his restraint. Tears poured down her angry
face. It was probably her that put the dress on the body. Collette
had wanted a cremation, not a burial. They hadn't listened. It was
probably Ali's fault. She had always been stubborn, but Collette knew
the real reason for her disobedience. Ali hoped the threats of a
haunting would be real.
Collette
smiled softly and turned to the pulpit as the preacher walked up to
the mic. Why was this drab man running the show? She was disappointed
in the whole ordeal. This wasn't supposed to be a funeral. It was
supposed to be a celebration of life. A celebration of her life. She
wanted to scream but couldn't utter a word.
"We
are here today to celebrate the life of Collette Simmons," the
preacher started out. She looked back around to the audience. This
was not a celebration of any sort, she scowled, noticing all the
black. She looked back to her husband. He was wearing colors. He had
always been good about giving her what she asked for. He was wearing
a burnt orange button up shirt with a sunshine yellow vest. She had
bought him a set much like it when they were dating. She'd been
overjoyed when this extremely masculine man actually wore those
colors for her the first time. He wasn't the type to go against
social conditioning so it was impressive. He looked perfect. Even
now in his late seventies, he looked vibrant in them. She was going
to miss him. At least for a little while. Ali being the
difficult child she had always been wore all black. She refused to do
what her mother asked for. Collette knew it was because Ali was going
to miss her and had to show this through the rebelliousness. Even in
her fifties, she still had to show her mother that no one controlled
her. They'd fought all of her life, up until Collette became sick and
couldn't argue anymore. Why weren't they happy that she was in a
better place now? Or supposed to be, but at least she was sane again.
She couldn't imagine the unhappiness that had pursued while she was
out of her mind. Shouldn't they be at ease now? Or maybe that's why
they were crying. They were overjoyed she was gone... except her
husband. He knew that she would hate everyone crying so much. They'd
discussed their funerals on a few occasions, so he knew what she
wanted. She wondered why he hadn't done what she wanted. There was
not a lot of music and celebration going on. There was an organ that
droned on with old church hymns that would have put her to sleep, and
this drab little preacher man whose voice rose and fell like the
motion of a wave. She wondered if her husband had just let Ali set it
up. She looked back to her husband and children. She approached him
and tried to place a soft kiss on his forehead. She knew he hurt
inside. How couldn't he after all the time they'd been together. Most
people hadn't made it to their twenty-fifth anniversary, and they had
made it beyond their fiftieth. He was such an amazing man. She wanted
to wipe the tears off of Ali's cheeks. She wondered why she
was still here. Was this to be her eternity? She noticed movement in
the dark, back corner of the room. She looked again at her husband,
her golden haired child, and the rest of her children, grandchildren
and great grandchildren. She would miss them all. "And
now, Collette would've liked memories to be shared. It was something
she mentioned to her husband before she passed away. Anybody that
would like to speak is welcome to come up." She hoped they
wouldn't tell sweet, sappy stories or reinvent the truth to make her
better than she was. She hoped they would tell stories of how she
envisioned herself in her old age running over little kids in the
grocery stores with the electric carts. If her husband was the man
she hoped he'd always be, he'd tell funny stories, but she knew Ali
would be sure to be sappy, just to piss her off. Collette wished she
could let Ali know she was still here. She noticed the
movement again in the back corner and started moving towards it
leaving her family to tend to their grieving. In the corner, she
found an old friend. The years since they'd last seen each other had
been good to him. His golden hair had turned white with age, but his
strong, handsome face held very few wrinkles. After getting over the
initial shock of seeing him, she got angry. After all these years, he
finally showed back up. He just lost all contact with her, and why?
Because.... He's a jerk, she ranted at herself. He was a spoiled
jerk. Suddenly he looked extremely upset, causing her to glance
around to see what was triggering it. Up at the podium, Ali stood
speaking.
"My
mother was the eccentric sort, and she thrived in it. She refused to
let us forget it, no matter how much we begged," Ali began.
Collette smiled, happy that Ali was being true to her. She looked
back at her friend and saw that he had moved to the door. She
followed, blowing a final kiss back to her golden haired child.
When
she caught up to her friend outside, he stood looking down at a
tombstone, his face covered in tears. It took her back a moment. If
she'd been able to speak, she would have been speechless. She
couldn't push it back anymore. She looked towards the heavens. Why am
I still here, God, she asked. Is this my eternity?
"When
he called me the first time," her friend started out of nowhere,
"I was flabbergasted. I had hoped one day you'd forgive me and
call me, but to pick up the phone with that name on the caller id and
it be him, I was blown away. He said that in your Alzheimer's you'd
been calling out for me and hoped that by coming to see you, it would
help. It didn't, of course, or at least I don't think it did. Your
husband said it did. He said it calmed you down to see me. Though he
would laugh when he said that so I don't know what not calm was. I
really needed to hear what you had to say to me though so I couldn't
resist going to see you.... I'm sorry." He started to break down
again. This obstinate man that she had known for so many decades and
had never known to cry, was sobbing. At least he decided to do it
outside. Too bad the others hadn't shown the same respect, she
thought. She smirked at her callousness. "I'm sorry I waited too
long. Your husband... he's.... he's a good man. Your children... they
seem very... very much like a mix of you and him. The oldest one...
yeah, I know, the oldest one is different. The only blond in the
family... yeah, I know... you told me... I know you told me about
her, but... well, I didn't want to believe you. After you refused me
and married him, I just didn't want to believe it. You know though,
I'm glad. She's ... beautiful... intelligent... she's... she's got
your... fire. Apparently, she knew. She wasn't very happy about it.
Informed me that I was not and would not ever be her father, no
matter what you said. That it was all the illness speaking. I can
imagine the fun you had when she was a teenager. She's... amazing.
I'm glad there's something of us in this world that will remain. Your
husband... he's an amazing man for loving that child as his own. I
was really impressed. Felt like a jerk."
"You
are a jerk," she heard float out of her mouth. He stopped for a
second and listened. A small smile crept on his lips.
"I
love you, too," he answered. She rolled her eyes. The first time
he'd ever told her he loved her that was her response. The memories
crept over her. She looked towards the heavens again. Why was she
still here?
She
was taken back to the night at the beach. The sand moved under their
feet as they walked down the beach arguing at two in the morning over
her getting married to someone other than him.
"Was
I supposed to wait until I died?" she bit at him.
"No,
you were supposed to play hard to get so I realized sooner."
"Do
you know how ridiculous you sound, Brandon?"
"No
more ridiculous than you marrying him and not me. You've said for
years we were going to get married and then all of a sudden it's
over?"
"Again,
can you hear yourself?"
"I
love you, Collette. I feel like a jerk saying it so late, but I love
you."
"You
are a jerk," she said outraged at his timing. How long had she
waited for those words and to throw them out at a time like this.
"I'm
your jerk," he said smiling and grabbing her by the waist, looking
into her eyes.
"You
will always be my jerk," she agreed softly. "Even when I'm a
married woman, and you're a married man, and we're married to
different people." He looked hurt as his hands fell from her
waist. "Did you really think you could talk me out of it?" She
softened up. Her heart hurt and she wanted so badly to give in. It
was supposed to be her and him and now...
"Do
you love him?"
"Of
course, I do. How cruel do you think I am?"
"Do
you love him like you love me?" His hands were on her hips again,
and he was fighting to look in her eyes. How would she love anyone
like she loved him? How could she tell him the truth when it didn't
matter because he wasn't the one she was going to marry? He had
waited too long and taken her affections for granted. He could read
her face and moved in closer. She knew she needed to push him away
but she wanted his arms around her. She wanted to be comforted for
what she was losing, too. He slowly leaned in and kissed her. She
welcomed his lips on hers. She welcomed his body against hers and
before she knew it, she'd made a huge mistake. She got up and
brushed herself off, upset, putting her clothes back in order.
"See," he said callously as he zipped his pants, "we are meant
to be together."
"Sex
does not mean unity," she said angrily kicking sand over the blood.
"Random people have sex all the time without even knowing each
other. Sex is a base act of hormones. Any animal can have sex."
"But
we're bonded. You can't marry him now. I'll show up at the
wedding and make a scene."
"And
I'll shoot you the bird. Even if I don't marry him after this,
we still will never be together. This... This was years of pent up
frustration being let loose. This was a weak will... This was
unfair... This was a mistake." She said throwing sand at him as
she turned and stomped back down the beach to where her car was
parked. "And if there is a wedding, he'll know. I'll tell him
so your temper tantrum won't be a surprise, but when my brother
takes you out back and beats you up... well, I guess that won't be
a surprise now either."
She
waited until her then fianc woke up later that day and didn't
assuage her guilt by waking him up early. She made sure no one else
was at his home and told him what happened. He was angry but blamed
Brandon which caused an argument because she wouldn't have him
displacing her responsibility in the matter. In the end he still
wanted to marry her. He later told her that he wouldn't let
Brandon have her so it was really just a matter of pride and not
forgiveness.
They
found out about Ali before they got married. She called, texted,
emailed, went to Brandon's front door to let him know but he'd
wouldn't answer. The wedding went on, and everyone assumed Ali was
her husband's and there was no reason to question it since Brandon
removed himself from her life completely. It destroyed her to begin
with but as the years passed she figured it worked out better this
way.
She
sighed as she came back to the present. Brandon was still talking.
"I know I was terrible to you, and I'm so sorry. I hope you will
forgive me... I hope I'll forgive myself. Not knowing my child for
forty something years. Completely my fault. If I hadn't reacted so
badly to the whole situation... My wife was mad when I actually went
to see you. She could see something in my eyes that scared her, she
said. I'm sorry it ended like it did. I shouldn't have walked out on
our friendship. I shouldn't have walked out on you. I hope wherever
you are, you'll forgive me."
"Never,"
she heard her voice float out again. He stopped and listened again, a
smile creeping to his lips.
"I
would swear you're right here with me, not in Heaven giving God hell.
When you passed away, I wasn't sad because of the state you were in.
I know you're much better now. I wish I could be there when you
reached those gates. It'll be a show. You always did know how to put
one on. Collette.... I know I'm saying it again, but I'm sorry. Will
you let this old man be set free of the guilt? Will you somehow let
me know everything is ok?" He looked around hopeful, listening
intently. She held her neck long and looked at with him with an
attitude. She wouldn't answer him. She refused. Her voice hadn't
worked earlier, so why now? After a full minute of waiting, his
shoulders fell and his strong face crumpled. She wished she could
comfort him without easing his guilt. She reached out a hand and
placed it on his shoulder.
"You're
a jerk," she breathed softly. He smiled.
"As
long as I'm your jerk that's okay. Now go home. I'll see you in a
while."
She
felt a warm light begin to shine behind her. She began to fight. She
wasn't ready. She wasn't done. She needed more time. She felt
herself being pulled back into the light and fought harder. She need
to go back in the church, speak to Ali, her husband, anyone... she
wasn't ready yet. As she entered the light, she felt peace. She
relaxed because she knew everything would be just fine. She knew the
mistakes of the past would be righted. She knew it was time to wait
for her loved ones to come see her. As she turned into the light,
she fell speechless again because she'd said all she'd needed to
say.
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