Subject to Change

Summary:
"His actions that day constituted the first calculated escalation of attacks on her self-trust. Attacks he’d been carefully setting up since the day they met 2 years prior."

Follow Kaly Palmer as she attempts to leave behind a series of abusive relationships, not all of them the traditional romantic sort. Will she be able to overcome her past or will she remain a victim of conditioning? She'll need to trust those she fears and learn to second guess those she's never dared to question.


Dear Readers:
Thank you for taking an interest in my work! I have been writing for a long time but I have rarely shared (and never published) my work before this. Subject to Change is largely about inner strength and the ability to overcome life's challenges after experiencing extended trauma. At the moment, all I've written is the introduction which briefly covers the immediate past of the main character, Kaly, leading up to the point in her life that this story primarily covers and how she first realized her relationship could no longer go on as it was. In writing this, I am drawing on a great number of first hand accounts, personal experience and my own personal (untrained) knowledge of best practices concerning support and treatment of individuals that have suffered abuse and similar trauma. My goal is to look at many lesser seen or discussed forms and effects of abuse that are none-the-less very common and what a realistic road to recovery can look like. Having said that, I am not trained in any form of psychology, sociology or medical practice; i.e. I am not an expert and what I write here may not conform to others' understanding of best or even healthy practices. Although loosely based on real events, my story is fictional and not based on any single person, event or relationship! I'd love to hear what you think about Kaly's experiences and choices!

Whether it concerns Kaly as a character or my writing in general, I am excited to hear what you think of my story and I am very open to suggestions, requests, concerns and other feedback. I am unpracticed at categorizing by genre or creating tags with a character limit so if you have any suggestions related to either of those in particular, it would be much appreciated!

If you're still with me, thank you very much! There is only a one last thing and it is important! (I think)

PLEASE READ:
I think it is important for you to know that this work will cover dark, emotional topics that may be triggering to some. These topics include such things as domestic violence, potentially life-threatening situations related to domestic violence, non-consensual sexual events (no graphic descriptions), bullying and professional sabotage, extremely negative self-talk, mental illness and abuse of power. There will also be mildly graphic references and descriptions of unsafe BDSM/Dominate-submissive practices. The title, "Subject to Change" is a reference to healthier models of power imbalanced relationships and everyone's right to change his or her mind no matter what type of relationship it is!






Subject to Change
1. Beginning of the End

“It wasn’t play! You were hurting me!” She exclaimed weakly, alarmed and hurt by his nonchalant excuse. Kaly would later realize his actions that day constituted the first calculated escalation of attacks on her self-trust. Attacks he’d been carefully setting up since the day they met two years prior.

“Oh Honey..” He interrupted her, trailing off dismissively. A small twitch of the lips pretended to be a loving, cajoling smile but she easily saw through it to the mocking and the pity. As if she were a simpleton or a child, not capable of understanding some inarguable reality. It was as if he was telling her, 'You know I know better. You'll understand when you're older'.

Rather than feeling insulted or angry or frustrated, as she thought she should, a strange sinking feeling filled her chest with the realization that he really was blowing off what amounted to an attack on her right to self-determination. Later she would be so painfully familiar with that feeling. There was no mistaking the meaning of his response to her protest. Her boundaries did not matter. She knew hew was wrong and, more importantly, that she was right but somehow that one dismissal seemed to steal her voice and her power with it. They say no one can take your personal power unless you let them but it’s not that simple. The injustice froze her to the spot. It was so irrational, her mind screamed. The lack of any argument at all made it impossible for her to form a meaningful rebuttal. She didn’t know how to argue with something she’d always believed was an obvious and inherent truth. Her spirit sighed under the weight of what she thought was conviction. Later she would learn it was arrogance but in that moment, she knew she was right and she thought that was enough. Kaly let it go. There would be a better time or place or opportunity. She knew she was right, no matter what he thought. He could not change reality by disagreeing with it. Boundaries were boundaries.

Over the course of the next two and a half years, that sick sinking feeling came again and again until Kaly found herself failing to put any effort into asserting her boundaries at all. She couldn’t bear the thought of another disappointment, another item added to the pile of evidence proving that the man who claimed to love her could not have loved her less. She was weary with the constant effort of defending the validity of her experiences, the right to her opinions even her humanity. The pain of pointing out her needs only to have them blatantly disregarded was stark. At times, when she thought she could take no more, he would offer her just what she needed. The love and affection and praise overwhelmed her. Carefully timed apologies and promises of all he was willing to sacrifice for her, reminders of what he had already sacrificed for her, tore into her heart. "Clearly it was all a misunderstanding," She would think. "How could I have been so wrong about him?"

Suddenly Kaly felt she owed him everything. How could she have hurt this man she loved so much, so grievously? What kind of horrible monster was she that she thought of leaving him after all he’d done for her? When he needed her so desperately? What other man would go to the lengths he had gone to for her happiness and well-being? Guilt and fear became synonymous with love without Kaly ever noticing.

And then one day, not so different from any other, Kaly found herself curled up tight in the shower. Tears ran like a torrent with the shower water down her face. One hand clutched at her abdomen to control her breathing and the other covered her mouth. She shook with the effort of controlling herself; her refuge would only remain hers as long as she could remain silent. Crying always made him angry these days but she couldn't hold it in forever and the scene was not a new one. “I just want to be loved!” her choking whispers could barely be heard above the patter of the shower, even to her own ears.

At the nth repetition of that phrase, Kaly's thoughts stuttered … How many times had she been there in that exact position, thinking that same thought? She couldn’t remember but she suddenly questioned it. If she was so loved, how could she find herself like this? Surely something was not right. What had brought her to this point? A part of her she didn’t consciously realize existed until that moment spoke The Lies to her. Lies designed to keep her going. Lies designed just to get her to the next day. “You are loved. Of course you’re loved [by him]”… “You don’t need these things you keep thinking you need. You are only upset because you are not getting what you want but we don’t always get what we want. It’s part of life. [All of this is okay]”… “You are being selfish and unreasonable. [You are spoiled and unworthy]”… “You just need to try harder. Talk to him again; if you explain it right, he’ll understand. [You are lucky he has not thrown you away yet; he deserves your forgiveness and devotion]”… “It’s all your fault. [You have the power to control this and fix it, if only you can get it right]”

As her tears slowed and her breathing calmed, she resisted that voice for the first time. Briefly, she was aware those thoughts were lies. She did not have the strength or the courage to examine that realization but another part of her came awake and nodded to her. Her Strength and Courage would be there for her if and when Kaly was ready to take action. With a deep and shaky breath, she closed the lid on her re-discovered allies. She drew a box around the lies. She embraced the box of lies, felt them sink into her heart with a familiar ache and prepared herself to re-enter the world. Clinging to the tiniest spark of hope and with fair amount of apprehension, she allowed herself to be pulled under again. For now, Kaly just needed to survive but soon… Soon she would be able to revisit the discovery and then maybe things could finally start to change