Chapter 1

The moment I first set eyes on my newborn baby boy, I felt a love that I never knew could exist in me. He was covered in a substance made of God only knows what, and the shape of his noggin might have made you question if he had just left the set of a Coneheads movie rather than my womb, but I had never in my life seen anything more perfect. The joy I felt made everything I had endured in the last nine months more than worth it- from spending the better part of at least twelve weeks hugging the toilet to spending an outrageous amount on baby apparatus to becoming a single mother.

Becoming a single mother was terrifying to me. Growing up, I believed in "perfect families", which in my head was the typical suburban family of a mother and father with the average 2.4 children, pet cat named Tabby, and white picket fence. Now that I'm older, and lying in a hospital bed where I just gave birth to my first child who would be raised solely by me, I realize that I don't even remember ever witnessing a white picket fence outside of a movie screen. Also, I have never owned a pet cat, so my Chihuahua whom I lovingly deemed Chalupa will have to suffice.

"Abigail." I snapped out of my daze as a nurse said my name, for the third or fourth time apparently. "Would you like to hold this handsome little man?"

I reached out to retrieve Lucas (the name I had premeditatedly decided upon) from the nurse's arms. He felt as light as a feather, even though he was on the heavier end of the spectrum for a newborn according to the weight check that was just completed. Lucas entered this world at a whopping eight pounds and fourteens ounces. Although I didn't want him to be unhealthy, nor did I want to rip my vagina off (which, by the way, was a very big fear to me before giving birth), I was secretly hoping he'd weigh more to compensate for some of the sixty-two pounds I had packed on during pregnancy. I had reasoned with myself weeks ago that it would probably be best for Lucas and me both if I would just lay off of the fattening foods and then use walking as a natural labor inducer, but let's be honest- the chocolate chip cookies always left the grocery store with me and upon arrival home, the couch was always calling my name.

Lucas was staring so contently at me as if he had wanted to meet me just as bad as I wanted to meet him. I'm not sure if he could actually see me or not, but I was confident that he knew that I was his mommy. He had taken almost nothing from me except for nine months of incubation and a larger than normal forehead, but he could pull it off so much better than I could. Even seeing so much of his father in him couldn't ruin this magical memory for me.

After the initial meeting of my son and I was when the reality really set in for me. Looking around the room and seeing nothing but empty chairs and medical equipment was heart wrenching. My mother would have so loved to be with me during this process, and I missed her so much. I never in a million years thought that I'd give birth without my mother in the room. Carefully, I reached over to the rolling table next to the hospital bed I was laying in and grabbed my wallet. I pulled out a picture of my mother and I from when I was only twelve, three short years before she passed. I had basically raised myself from that point on, as my father had wanted nothing to do with me. My heart went from breaking for myself to being torn apart for my poor precious baby Luke. How could someone, especially his own father, want nothing to do with something so perfect?

I was blindsided when the break up came. Jason had been ecstatic to find out that he was finally going to be a daddy, or at least he had pretended to be. Either he was really good at faking his emotions, or I was really bad at reading them. We had begun to plan our future together- baby names, baby showers, baby this, baby that- and then one day Jennifer came along and stole all my visions. And my man. Well really, she stole my visions because she stole my man. It was true that Jennifer was next to perfect. Perfect body (especially that ass and those shiny, white, and straight teeth), perfect job (professional and very expensive photographer), and perfect personality. She was the type of girl that even if she didn't steal your man, you wanted to hate her.

I wondered what they were doing right now as I had just brought Jason's son into the world. Snap out of it Abigail. Not wasting their time thinking about you, that's for sure.

Another nurse broke my concentration by slamming the door to my room closed. "Oops," she muttered, "Those doors are so much lighter than the ones at the last hospital I worked at."

"It's okay." I replied. Seriously, a slamming door hadn't been the most traumatic thing to happen to me today. "How's Lucas doing?"

"Well, that's what I came to talk to you about. He's doing so much better since we put him under the lamp. His temperature is finally regulated and he can return to you in an hour or so. In the meantime, would you like to go to the room where you'll be spending the remainder of your stay?"

Although I had only been in the delivery room alone for about an hour while the epidural wore off, I felt like I had been waiting an eternity for this time to come. It's the little things, really. I secretly just wanted to go back to my room and cuddle with the blanket I brought from home and eat the Oreos I stashed underneath my clothing I packed to wear home from the hospital. It was in that moment that I realized how much of an overgrown child I truly was.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, a little too enthusiastically. "I mean yes, I would like that."

"How are your legs feeling? Are they still numb?" This nurse still hadn't introduced herself to me, and wasn't wearing a name tag, so for my story's sake, we will call her Agatha. She looked like she could have been named that, and her voice was a bit old and scratchy as if she had been a smoker since she was six years old.

"I don't think I should walk yet." I said, still unsure of myself. I know she wanted me to, but I felt more like she was inviting me onto a scary dark path I wasn't ready to go down. Who was I to say no, though? Agatha was a healthcare professional and she had faith that I could do it.

Agatha came over to the side of the bed where I sat, and proceeded to help me swing my legs over the side. "Now on the count of three, I am going to help you to your feet," she said, as she placed her hands firmly underneath my arms. "One, two, three!"

The next thing I knew, I was in a pile on the floor, with no hope of getting up on my own. I considered pretending to be a damsel in distress, and screaming for the whole hospital to hear, "Help! I've fallen, and I can't get up!" but I thought that may be a little too dramatic so I settled for Agatha's solution when she offered to bring me a wheelchair.

Agatha- 1. Me- 0.