I Dreamed of You the Other Day.

I had a dream about you the other day.

We were just hanging out like good cousins. A couple of guys playing video games after work. It was just like we used to do. You were your usual happy-go-lucky self. I, on the other hand was holding something horrible back. It was something I needed to tell you, but I didn't know how.

We got up from the living room and headed out on the back porch. As we smoked a cigarette, holding our usual court about anything and everything, You were all smiles, while I faced inner conflict. Should I tell you the truth? It is kind of important. It's the kind of thing that can change the dynamic of a friendship. The sort of thing you have the right to know.

Truth be told, even though this revelation I hold back is horrifying, I start to smile a bit. Even though it was the darkest moment of my life, I feel a touch of humor. Here you are, Cracking lame jokes, coming up with outlandish hypotheticals, and telling your massively embellished stories with that stupid-ass grin, and you don't even remember the decision you made that changed our lives forever.

I try to lead you to the truth.

Dumbfounded and with a slight chuckle in my voice I say, "Don't you think you're forgetting something?"

You put on that confused look you used to wear when you'd misplaced my keys.(this shortly before you would say 'I gave them back to you!')You looked around and said, "No. I think I remembered everything." as you patted down your pockets.

"You don't remember what you were doing Monday night around this time?" I offer.

"Nah man, Whats up?" You start to look confused now.

We walk into the bedroom as we spoke, still as slight giggle in our voice. I gesture vaguely to a closet door that can't close due to that push-up bar you installed and the ghosts of outfits past littering the floor.

"Remember Monday? When I came home to find the courtesy lock flipped, and you didn't answer when I knocked? You didn't text me back? Missed my calls?" I ask.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, dude." You say still wearing that grin.

I decide to let it go, and we sat talking and laughing until the dream passed.

I woke up laughing.

I woke up smiling.

The first true laugh. The first true smile I'd felt since I'd found you the week before. You were suspended, in some of your best clothes, wearing that stupid top hat. You were suspended, Knees only inches from the floor, feet trailing out behind you. You were suspended, using that red rope. You were suspended from the pull-up bar looking over those piles of dirty clothes.

As I sit here now months later, Eyes watering as I write this, I just want to thank you for that dream. For that dream that still feels so real. Just a bit of a smile and a laugh to remind me of you.

I love you.

You were my cousin. You were my coworker. You were my roommate. You were my best friend.

I love you.