After the Bomb

“The light says we can go out, hon.”

“I don’t care what some damn electronic thingie says. I’m not goin’ out there. And stop calling me hon! I hate it!”

“Naw, you don’t.”

“Yes. I do. Very much. It makes me think you don’t know my name.”

“Are you bringing that up again?!”

“It happened.”

“So what?”

“You’ve called me ‘Rachel’ four times since we’ve been down here.”

“Because of those Friends reruns, h—baby. And you kept count?”

“Yeah, and because of those reruns, you just happen to call me by that skank’s name?”

“That skank never meant nothin’ to me, baby.”

“Meant enough for you to sleep with her.”

“In college. Before I even met you! … What?”

“Say my name.”

“What?”

“Say it! I’ll put on the damn suit and go out there with you if you say my name.”

“Beyonce.”

“Oh, very funny! Can anyone hear us out there? We got us a regular Steve Harvey in here!”

“Don’t bang on the door! Someone might hear you.”

“We’re thinking about going out there and finding survivors. We want them to hear us, Ricky. Now say… my… name!”

“Citronella!”

“Good God, I hate that name! What were my idiot parents thinking?”

“I guess they weren’t. Is this right? It doesn’t feel right. Am I putting on the woman’s suit?”

“You’re putting it on backwards, babe. And I think they’re unisex.”

“’Maybe you need sex—’”.

“Do not quote something else from Friends to me ever again. I am serious here, Ricky. I don’t know why it and I Love Lucy and random episodes of I Love the 80’s were included in our shelter, but I hate ‘em. All. Of. Them.”

“I never liked to go by Ricky before, ooof. I guess my hat’s off to Mr. Ricardo. Nella, hon, my earring. It’s stuck.”

“Here, I got it.”

“Ow!”

“I don’t think whoever designed these suits thought anyone would be wearing earrings. Danglers, even. Especially the men.”

“I got some dang… ow!”

“Stop being perverted! Shhh. I hear something.”

“Mutants?”

“Really? Is that what you’re thinking?”

“I don’t know, hon. We’ve seen the movies. The survivors of a nuclear holocaust.”

“We’re survivors, idiot.”

“Oh, wow. That one came out of nowhere. Do you see anything, Miss Mean?”

“No, I just heard it.”

“What?”

“Shh!”

“I should’ve peed before I got in this thing.”

“Are you going to shut the hell up?!”

“You’re going to have to stop smacking me or I’m gonna report you to whatever form of government is out there waiting for us.”

“And if we’re the ones who’re going to make up that government?”

“Well, I didn’t vote for ya! Now what’s out there?”

“Uh, guys in masks, I think.”

“Gas masks?”

“Same as that thing on your dumb head.”

“Well get yours on, Rache. Time to go and start the future. What? What’re you lookin’ at? Ow!"



Word Count: 480