Untitled

I woke up next to chase the next morning, instantly pissed at myself. The mind blowing sex last night, the movie, lobster dinner. I didn't want to feel like we were back right, because we weren't. I was in HIS king size bed underneath his sheets. I smelled like his cologne. I didn't want this.. To be in limbo.
Morning. He stretched his tattooed arms to the ceiling then rolled out of bed.
What time is it?

A bit after 6..

I've got to be somewhere.. I broke in.
Im Sure that he thought that I was lying, but I had begun seeing a therapist to sort out the muck in my head. I used to be one that was reluctant to therapy, but growing up as a depressed kid who turned into a dark teenager and finally realizing that something wasn't right made me really reconsider it. The physical abuse that chase had inflicted upon me and the emotional stuff was what I couldn't get past. I wondered how he could kiss my lips, touch my skin and brush my hair from my eyes with the same hands that had nearly strangled the life out of me, with the same hands that had slapped my face, hit me with a closed fist and made bruises. I really couldn't get over it. I kept questioning myself and wondering why.. Was I that weak?

Babe. His voice cut into my thoughts and they fell away like shattered glass.

What?

I asked where you were going at 7 on a Saturday morning.

I've got an appointment.. I was shocked at how much I didn't tell chase anymore. We were like roommates.

Is everything okay?

Yeah..
He left it alone, like he always did. I didn't loathe him, but it really seemed like he just didn't want to know anything about me.
I rose, and pulled on my robe before heading back to my bathroom. The shower was calling me.
Hot water poured over me, and I looked at the angry red marks from his hands on my skin. It had been a really long time since chase had left passion marks upon my skin. We used to kiss until our lips would be swollen, sweet embraces and I never wanted to leave his sight. I craved chase like my favorite drink, he became that for me, my tall and dark, but things went wrong. He caught a case for a hit and run that almost violated his parole.. It was hard, and he pushed me away and began to throw himself into his job. 14 hour days at the office. We stopped having dinner together, we stopped kissing and holding hands and we sort of drifted. Neither of us never really spoke about it, we just let it happen naturally.
The shower woke me, and I gently toweled off before selecting a sheer blouse and a pair of navy shorts. I pulled my hair into a bun with a dollop of gel to set the edges then grabbed my bag. Tears barely came anymore. I bottled it up, and worked long hours as well.
Hey.. I'll see you later right?
Yeah. I'm taking tonight off.
That was it, our interactions short and brisk unless we were having sex or drinking.
How I wanted things to be ok.. How I wanted to have a relationship again...
I insisted on therapy even though I was closed there too. It seemed as if the switch was out. I felt as if I walked about in a daze and I usually did. I zoned out quite a bit..
Morning, how are you?
Deloris, my therapist smiled at me. She was older, former professor at the community college. She was rarely with a smile but her attitude was very warm. Plus she listened to me without judgement and that's all I wanted from chase. I jumped right into it this morning, which usually wasn't my style.

He used to beat me.. And I can't trust anymore. I can't make it work. I don't feel the same. I think my heart is getting colder. I used to care, and now I'm indifferent. I feel bad because I think he really needs me sometimes, to be his rock.. I can't really.. I can't sympathize for the same man that hit me.. It really messed me up. I keep asking myself all of these questions.. There are no answers.. I keep trying to find a reason as to why I'm still there and I constantly draw a blank..

After therapy I was a bit emotional. I pulled up to my favorite boutique, distant souls and nodded to the owner. I had a penchant for dark, rich colored fabrics and sheers. My career in fashion had taken a backseat to my job, but I regularly attended fashion shows by my lonesome and really enjoyed it. The colors, fabrics, and frenzied models.. I missed it dearly. I picked up a pair of crochet shorts and a sheer blouse with chiffon flowers sewn on the front. Chase always complained.. He paid the credit card bill and every month there was a $300 to $500 charge.

These tops are new. Good eye!

They're beautiful. I'm thinking that I need the rose one as well...

The phone rang as I paid and I picked up without looking.
Hey gorgeous.. His voice spilled from the phone into my ear and just for a second.. I got that feeling.

Hey.

Done with that appointment? He asked.

Just finished...

Let's grab brunch at Gozi. I'll meet you there.
Gozi was across the street from Distant Souls. I think chase had ESP sometimes
I ditched the bags in the Mustangs trunk and ordered a chai tea upon sitting. Chase blew in 10 minutes later, hair pulled back in a dark blue button up with the sleeves rolled up, a golden Rolex sat on his wrist. Straight leg jeans perfectly tailored to fit him and snakeskin loafers on his feet. He smelled heavenly.
Morning.. You look good. He sat and ordered a black coffee, then fixed his eyes on me.

Listen... We've gotta talk.

I sipped from my teacup, my eyes trained on him then nodded.

I think so too .

It's killing me that you're not sleeping with me, in my bed, your skin against mine.. Your taste.. I need you.
I mentally shut down. I didnt want to talk, I didn't want to ruin my mood or makeup.

Chase it's so much more.. It's not that I'm hiding.. It's.. The last 2 years have been rough for the both of us. Honestly I needed mental space. You really hurt me.. I'm not sure if I can forgive you.

Baby...

No listen ! You beat the hell out of me.. I can't just get over it with shopping and cocktails .. I trusted you and you broke it..

I'm sorry.. I didn't know. I was spinning out of control. My job was At stake.. My life. I was selfish..

Now I'm left with all these scars chase. They are inside. I can't see them but they are there. It's so much deeper than I care to admit. I loved you, and you hurt me..
He sat there, then glanced at his watch. He was nervous, that cool exterior shaken to the very core.

I'm really sorry..

It's too late for that. I'll always love you chase, but I can't do this anymore.. I'm really not feeling this anymore.. We live separate lives. No dates, no interaction.. Maybe we've just grown apart.

I love you.. Yeah I need help too.. I need you there with me.. I try to make it up and always screw it up worse . My past.. I keep bringing the baggage and dumping on you..

I picked at my scone and looked at him.
Can you see us, together?

I want to.. I want to grow old with you..

My eyes filled with tears and chase handed me a napkin.

You're all I used to see, but that crumbled with the abuse.. I love you as well but there is a huge crack in our foundation. We've got to fix it if we want to last.

What do I need to do? I'm not getting any younger , I'm losing sleep over it. You could be in some one else's arms. Someone else could be kissing your lips.

I don't have the time for that, nor the energy to lie..

So where have you been running off to!?

Therapy....