my story

Today's the day I said goodbye. For the first time since we met, he didn't respond and I assumed that was the way it needed to be. I felt guilty for writing him in the first place, but I desperately desired to know that he was at least, ok. Losing the right to know, was the first step I needed to let him go. The day I realized what would be the most endearing, heartwarming, breathe taking love story I had ever known, was the day I realized he wasn't mine to hold. This is part of my story, the only one I believe worth telling and it's the part that involved him.

As a young girl my head swirled with fairy tales. I made most of these up on my own but some storybooks added to my imagination. There was always a daring fight, an impossible monster and a glorious hero. Being treated differently as a child by the other kids, I found solace in my books and imaginary friends. Every night I would dream in dazzling color, and be treated with an important role. There was always someone to save, something to defeat or treasure to find. Little did I know my adventure started when I met him.
Before then though there was a monster that kept me caged. You see he had promised adventure, love and treasure, but the day I said I do was when I handed him the key to the cage he had built with wedding vows. My cage was nice, there was a cute cottage, and a dog. I had everything I needed but my doubts arose soon after I agreed to seal my life away. He didn't desire me. Intimately, deeply, honestly or any other way for that matter except for the way I looked on his arm in the court. You see he was a knight, at least he dressed up like one and he kept most of the rules a knight should keep but there was a poison so deep and dark I didn't notice it until it was too late. That poison began to seep into my heart as well. I accepted my fate, though I didn't know of what it all entailed until after I slipped down, down into a deep pit.
I left him, the poison in my heart not allowing him a 490th chance. He had mistreated me, abused me all the while expecting me to attend the balls, the ceremonies, and even the church. The entire time he pretended everything was, ok. His heart was black, he really didn't care. The day I informed him I was leaving while clutching the hand of a man to let him know I was serious, He went to the church for help, pretending he had no idea how everything had happened. The godly man asked for our stories, I told almost all, including that I would run. The poison had began to work its way through my veins and was moving me all on its own. Though I did desire this, knowing the law of the land I could very well be put to death but I couldn't stand him for one second longer. So I left.
I was warned by a few friends that the king wouldn't allow it, that regardless of his actions if he repents that I should forgive him. I still ran, I didn't want to give him a second chance, he could hurt me again. So, I played the harlot. That was the last time anyone wouldn't want me and the last time I wouldn't do anything it took to get what I wanted. Playing the victim, I weaved my web and waited. Men were too eager, and I was honest about the man I had been with. The town was large enough, they hadn't heard of him, though they'd seen him from time to time. All of them agreed with me that they were disgusted by his actions, telling me how sweet and beautiful I was. But they were men, just the same. They wanted what they wanted, and it took little prodding before they were consumed by their sexual desires and had me. I was pleased to do so, though in playing the harlot I branded myself honest. None of them saw through the deceitfulness, or the lies. I even kept a journal that was as black as my heart had become with the poison of my husband, and there was every truth in it. Telling myself, this is their way out, if there is ever a hint of doubt, they might find me out. My desire grew out of control and I found myself caught between too many men. I had to move, before I was found out.
I settled into an old ladies castle far away, and was accepted by a local bakery. My sexual tendencies continued as I wrote letters to my many lovers who sent me a plethora of gifts and letters back. I desired to gently let each of them down, but not before I broke a couple hearts. I was hurting, so I wanted to hurt others. Throughout this entire time, I received a bouquet of flowers every Monday from my husband. I was impressed though how could he think he could win me back by mere foliage? It was obvious he didn't know me or my heart which he helped to make like his own but I had been curious if he had really changed. Regardless I was contend to ignore him for the time being, I was simply having too much fun enjoying myself for the first time in my life.
The first day at the bakery, I met him. It was such an ordinary day, even though it was my first day working, I honestly barely remember it. I had been kneading bread when he walked into the store, and with a loud and obnoxious voice he yelled "Good morning everyone!" The only thing I was impressed with was his friendliness. He was the delivery boy after all. I had worked there for a couple of weeks before deciding that I needed to make a couple of friends. Always being wary of girls, I could never make very good friends out of them as every friendship I had turned sour. I instead invited Doug and his friend Soup to lunch. My birthday was coming up, and I knew if I didn't get myself out of the house after I was finished working my shift I would sob myself to sleep early that afternoon.
I had arrived at Soup's cottage where they had planned to meet me, only Doug came out to greet me. He was having an argument with his girl, and I didn't know the details at the time I found out later it was because she was jealous of Soup spending time with me. I hadn't informed them it was my birthday, due to the manipulation nature of the statement. I always loathed people who attempted to get attention on their birthdays. The lunch was most pleasant, I can't even recall what we had discussed only that I had a wonderful time. He paid for my meal, after discovering it was my birthday (I know, I loathe myself), and it was an absolutely splendid afternoon.
We slowly became friends, and on one occasion he inquired as to whether I was flirting with him. Appalled that he would be so forward, I quickly brushed it off and did my best to conceal my feelings, that I had not realized I possessed. Leaving the conversation rather awkwardly we consented to breakfast the following morning.
My husband had come to town, it was our anniversary and I had agreed to let him take me out. It was pleasant as he rented a carriage and escorted me to the main castle of that area. We toured the gardens, and splashed in a pond. He even bought a romantic dinner and presented me with a beautiful gift. I was torn, mentally, physically, spiritually. The decision was made as he left, not knowing it at the time. The young delivery boy held more promise, and I was falling in a way I had not experienced before. Never had a man became a friend and then left it at that. He seemed contented to be my gentleman if that is all I required of him.
The fall began, I confessed my feelings and he confessed his. Two weeks into our relationship I was honest with the first person I had ever been honest with in my life. I told all. Confessing lies, broken promises, destroyed hearts, I hung my head in shame expecting him to reject me. I had requested that we remain friends at least. He instead welcomed me with open arms, and willingly accepted me into his life.
I thought it was flying at first, lasting for as long as it did. I've never loved another human being harder, with such ferocity or genuine desire than that man. I had been a writer as long as I can remember. It took 6 months of realizing what I had discovered, true love, and 6 months to the day the king's servants came pounding on my door. I had all but forgotten of the death penalty in the kingdom in which I lived far away. The king was willing to forgive all if I repented, but that meant leave and pursue my husband. 15 days I waited until I realized that I had to go back. You see, the king had promised a special pardon to me on account that I would be taken and numbered as one of his daughters. He would see to it that I would be protected, cherished and loved but that I needed to forgive my husband and attempt to make amends. The decision was difficult, but I decided to trust in the king.
After two weeks of returning home, my true love announced that he had received a full pardon as well and was granted access continually into the kingdom. I was thrilled that he had decided to trust in the king as well, but still sad that we were apart. My husband being less than pleased I had finally returned, he had hoped to be rid of me once and for all. I however turned to the advice of the king, forgive as you have been forgiven he gently reminded me. Every day is difficult, but the king has been more than kind to me. Having promised I would contact my true love no more, I regretfully wrote him a letter, and after a reply wasn't sent back I understood. He is not mine to hold. My husband still desires divorce and I feel the poison is still running thick in his heart, but the king has an antidote. Unfortunately, he only gives it to those who are willing to obey. The poison I can occasionally feel, it still clutches at my heart but I'm going to do the best I can to follow the king's commands. He is a very loving and merciful king, I hope one day my husband can see it as well.