love

I can't forget it,
Though I've tried
I know you regret it, love,
You told me so many times.
I've tried to forget it ever happened. I've tried to rid my mind of the one thing that has been plaguing me for months. I try, I try, I try. For some reason, a part of me just can't seem to let go; maybe it's because you called me so many times, repeating the same phrases over and over until I almost started believing them. "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it." "Forgive me."
But you don't know what it's like. You aren't in my position, you haven't felt the pain I feel, you haven't been hurt by the one person you thought would always protect you. Maybe my declining of your calls is a way to get back at you. A coping method; maybe, if I ignore you just as you had ignored my feelings, you'll get a taste of what you put me through. And although I don't answer the calls, or reply to the texts, I listen to the voicemails. I listen to every damn one because you still have me wrapped around your finger and when I hear you say these things, I can't help but think you're being honest. You seem so desperate and broken, perhaps your pleads are truthful; but then the voicemail ends and the image of you and her is engraved into my mind yet again and I know you're not sorry.
You're just sorry you hadn't been more secretive.
Take your hands off him
'Cause he's the only one that I have ever loved
And please don't find her skin
When you turn the lights out
Opening the door to our apartment revealed a scene worse than anything out of my nightmares. Opening the door revealed you and her, it welcomed a black void to take over my body and heart. Opening the door was a mistake. When I saw her hands on your chest, I felt more angry than anything. It was her small hands on your warm chest, the chest that I often fell asleep into at night, that really threw me off.
"Get the hell out of here!" I remember screaming, tears already escaping the homes they had so cozily made in my eyes. She grabbed her stuff and fled, clearly wanting to avoid confrontation and realization of the nightmare she had caused. And honestly, I wish I could say I felt more anger towards you than I truly did, but I didn't. I loved you so much, and it was such a terrifying thing because in my eyes, you could do no wrong.
That's why each time you opened your mouth to explain, I simply shushed you. "Go to sleep," I whispered, climbing into bed and turning the lights off. I didn't want to talk about it, or think about it, or do anything that would remind me of the horrific scene. I think my silence is what really scared you, but you didn't say anything back. You climbed into bed right after, although I never felt you turn to your side like you normally do; for that reason, I couldn't fall asleep. And when I heard you get out of bed, your feet softly hitting the hardwood floor, I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed I would just fall into the deepest slumber of them all. I heard the rustling of clothes, the quiet thumps of footsteps, and the closing of a door and I knew you had left again, heading to find comfort in the arms of a girl who had broken me and saved you.
But I don't want to imagine
Words you spoke to her that night.
Naked bodies look like porcelain,
You both knew I'd be bleeding inside.
When the apartment is quiet, I find myself being haunted by the image I had made up in my head. I find myself creating a scenario, my own picture of what I think happened before I had arrived at our shared abode.
"What about your girlfriend?" she would ask, already in the midst of removing her clothing, a smirk lining her face.
"She doesn't matter. Tonight, it's just you and me," you would reply, well aware of what you were doing and what would happen if you were caught.
And neither of you cared. As you whispered sweet nothings to each other, I had to have been faintly in the minds of the both of you. She had to have known she was ruining a two-year relationship, and you had to have known you were breaking my heart. You both knew you were in the process of tearing someone to pieces, and yet the lust had grown to be too overwhelming, and suddenly all you two could think of was your own desires.
Did she make your heart beat faster than I could?
Did she give you what you hoped for?
Oh, nights of loveless love, I hope it made you feel good,
Knowing how much I adored you.
I've tried to forget it ever happened. I've tried to rid my mind of the one thing that has been plaguing me for months. I try, I try, I try.
But I still find myself asking "Why?" Why did you leave me, why did you hurt me, why? And although perhaps I'd get those answers by just answering a call, apart of me didn't want to know. What if this relationship had been fake, what if you had been unhappy all along? Maybe I was brainwashed- maybe, I just wanted to believe we were happy so bad that with enough effort, I did. The thought of that scared me.
We were in love, right?
You were happy, right?
Something had to have went wrong. Though my restless thoughts could settle down and my sleep could return if I had the answers, I'll never answer a call or reply to a text.
If I do, I know I'll be running back to you in no time because sadly, I still love you, and somehow I know I always will.
So, in a way, I'm glad I caught you. I hope now you're happier, I hope now you'll find someone you truly love.
And most of all, I hope those two years at least gave you some happiness. I hope you know how much I loved you.