Review

Hello ANNONYMOUS,

I just finished reading ""Invalid Item" ", and I am here to help you in the ways I can. Please note that this story is yours alone. Do not feel like you have to change your story just for me.

Overall Impression

I don't normally read about angels, but I do see the potential in your work. You weave together an almost coming-of-age like ceremony with a supernatural twist. I think your story has a nice twist that could easily make your work stand out with the correct amount of attention.

First Paragraph

In your first paragraph we first see your main character, Arok, nervous and feeling clumsy. You have potential here as it could suggest to the reader that your character isn't ready for her job. It seems you intend to show her nervousness and pass the feeling onto the reader. These two things could make your story flare in an attempt to hook your reader. I like your attempt at creating conflict in the beginning of your story.

You do have some clichés within your first paragraph though. It makes it harder to connect to your story because of the way familiar phrasing downplays the desired nerves.

Example: ("Really, the feathery wings were just icing on the cake."). I have underlined what seems the most familiar to me.

Here's an example of a way to change the cliché: ("The pearlescent wings gave a new volume to the atmosphere.")

Please note that I also found a few typos in your work as well. You have used cud instead of could in a few places. This is just one example of the typos I found in your work.

Imagery

Imagery can often make one's works flare. It can help stoke the readers imagination and give your writing a third dimension. You have a wonderful intention here with the way you describe the angels, and the whole event. I still think you fall short of the potential in your story. I only get a little bit of insight on sight, and get nothing from the sounds, smells or even touch. In other words, most of your writing gives details through TELLING rather than SHOWING.

Example: I get the impression that Lady Noella has a stern look on her face, but other than that, I have no idea about how she looks.

Setting

With the way you weave your story, the setting has an amazing ability to stand out. However, you give a lack of details towards your setting. It detracts from your piece as a part of me wants to know where your ceremony is taking place. While it's good not to info dump and interrupt the story, I feel like you could give more details. Maybe while your character is walking down the aisle you could give a description of how her feet sound against the marble floors?

Characters

You have the beginnings that could make for a wonderful main character, and one that could be hard for someone to forget. You show a character who seems relatively incompetent for her job. The way she claims that she could stumble gives a good example of what I am talking about. With the right attention, you could add to the conflict that centers the story. I do, however, have a few niggling things that keep your main character to achieving her full potential.

One of these things is how she doesn't have a good motivation. I get that there are high stakes, but I don't know why she wants the job. Why is it so important to her? Even with the fact that the envelope holds her future, it still doesn't give enough of a motivation if you ask me. There are two types of motivations in a story that can be equally important. The external motivation and the internal motivation. You have a strong external motivation here, but you don't have an internal motivation for your character. Arok wants the future powers because she is an angel. Because of this, she has a nice external motivation. For the internal motivation, I would suggest giving her another reason to want to succeed. Could be as simple as not wanting to face the disappointments of others if she failed.

The other thing is the lack of character background. While it's good to spare the reader from

Plot

A simple plot for this short story. I do wonder why the envelope is so important though. What exactly could happen if she doesn't get her job? What's the alternative? What exactly happens after she introduces herself? I didn't see a clear answer within the story for any of these questions. You depict a ceremony here. The ending does not do a whole lot though. Rather than feeling satisfied, I want to know what will happen next.

Interest

You have a nervous character in your story. Could be an amazing feat here, and be a part of what grabs the reader. Emotions can be an important part of the story. However, I did not catch her nervousness in this story. As the reader, I want to feel what your character feels. Emotions can often be what keeps a reader reading.

Voice

You have several typos within your writing, which detract from your voice. Example: "lady noellas clear voice ringed through the hall." lady noellas should be Lady Noella's. While some times it might add to your voice, I feel like it is more likely to detract from the voice. You are talking an angel, right? Shouldn't her grammar hold more elegance?

Improvements


-Add more details about your world\character.
-Give more about the character and her backgrounds.
-Give the voice more elegance.

Final Thoughts

A story with potential, but it has it's problems. With the right attention, you could give your work a fresh twist that could be captivating. Thanks for letting me read your work. Should you change your story, feel free to ask for another review.

With regards,

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