Still and Quiet

February 13th

KARA
The wind wisped past my ears as the sounds of a storm soon to arrive abruptly whooshed past me. It was only 4:30 yet the school grounds seemed completely vacant, which was just the way I liked it. I liked things still, quiet and as just a form of scenery with all the high school drama and noise and anxiety there was barely any room for the plain simplicity of a humble silence. As the coldness wrapped my body whole my fingers shaking as I solemnly wrote in my journal writing words I'd never look at again in my life yet would always know that they'd still be there...Then it happened, it all began. "RAINA COME BACK HERE NOW!!" screamed Jodie Valentine class treasure and head honor roll student, tears streaming down her face and make-up tragically strewn across her damp perfect cheeks. Footsteps nearing me as I had ducked farther behind the bleachers nowhere to be seen by the two emotionally wrecked girls directly above me. "Raina what is this?? What's going on? This is serious!" shouted Jodie once again her voice shaky and unstable. "Look it's nothing just a joke okay can you just please forget about it I...I..." Raina pleaded with her, yet I could clearly tell she was just as warily if not even more than Jodie. "Raina I care about you, your my best friend and have been like my sister and nothing could ever change that okay I love you Raina but you need to tell me, I don't want you to get hurt." Jodie argued starting to slowly calm down. "I just don't know, you don't get it, I've lost myself, I can't stop it keeps on I just am so..so" Raina sobbed on, while then steadily sitting on the bleachers as Jodie wrapped her arms around her soothingly. "Hey it's okay it'll all be okay" Jodie repeated running her long lacey hands thru Raina's hair as I just sat listening to the beginning of it all....
HOWIE
Practice had ended early that day because Lance Shaman had puked all along the basketball courts which to be fair was not all his fault yet probably the cafeteria workers for their new combo of tunafish casserole and green pea noodles. I mean that cooking disaster was meant to end in chunks. As I passed my basketball between my clammy hands over and over again repeating to myself "in and out, in and out, in and out." The words flowing through my brain and glued shut to stay for all of season in fact sometimes all I wanted were those words glued to my brain nothing else. Not my drunk lousy father and a stick scraping the floor boards as he walked past each bedroom sniffing out his next victim or my crying three year old sister screaming for my mother to stay with us for once or just life in general. As I was deep in thought 2 teary eyed, bloodshot girls raced past me the smell of wafted perfume and depression surrounding my senses and blinding my view. I could just barely make out the two girls swiftly passing thru the halls as Raina Foleman and Jodie Valentine. Raina was almost always cheery and surrounded by her laughable friends 24/7 just the vision of seeing her so very sad was like seeing Shaquille O Neal score a three pointer. Basically meaning extremely unlikely and even though the moment seemed surreal and shocking it gave me a tiny piece of pleasure because maybe that meant I wasn't the only one who cried.
JODIE
It was right after debate team the day had cast a weird shadow hovering over the school like a beast awaiting their prey. I already knew something was off I could feel it just by the way Raina acted she was quieter than usual and for Raina quiet meant bad. She was the spark of joy, our lightning of ideas and if something was wrong with her something was wrong with me. As everyone headed to the parking lot while I stood side by side with Glenna, Ari, Taylor and Holly conversations whirring on the topic of the upcoming debate against Marina High and when Ari's slumber party was to be held. Until suddenly I turned to where Raina was just to find nobody as I took off running.
RAINA
That day I finally knew, all the suspicions, all the misery, all the work, all the awkward conversations. It was now true all of it was "that" I was now a..."that". And "that" would never leave me.
DAVIE
The sky had allured a foggy shade of mystery just the way I loved my skies. Most people into astrology and star-gazing wanted clear nights and little to none clouds but I liked a little challenge and a little symbolism. As I remember my history teacher Mr.Franshen once said that in ancient times people could look up at the stars and the sky and could see their whole lives flash by in a single moment. I had never forgotten those words because one day I'd look up and see it all flash right before me and if that ever was to happen it'd be on a foggy, gray rimmed day like this because in any true future of mines I know it would never turn out perfect or clear whatsoever.
JODIE
My legs vigorously aroused in pace as I strided through the campus a deep desire burning me in the want of locating Raina. This was so unlike her in fact lately all Raina ever was, was unlike herself. From a happy, delighted, peppy jokester to a dried up voiceless being staring off at something and slowly distancing herself from everyone. While in the midst of my race to catch up to Raina I caught a glimpse of her slim figure speeding past the library and heading out towards the amphitheater. Just as soon as I rounded the corner a notebook like figurine fell to the floor right out of Raina's clumsy hands but in to much of a rush, she then hurriedly scampered farther along the school. As I fell to a halt taking the worn out book into my hands a bookmark marking a page where I assumed Raina had left off yet as soon as I opened it words flowed out dramatically as I felt a deep pit of coal crash against my stomach, tears welling up in my eyes.
RAINA
I didn't mean to drop my journal it was my most valued possession of all time and I couldn't believe I had dropped it right there, right for Jodie to see of all the days. But I couldn't stop running Jodie was in track and was very well one of the best at Haldin High and sometimes running away was the best option anyone could ever give you. I didn't want her to see, I didn't want anyone to "see" yet somehow they did and I just couldn't help it anymore. All I was now was a ticking time bomb either on an ultimate high of energy and laughter or a drowning wave of depression there was no more in between anymore. I knew what I was to people I was smiley, fun, sarcastic, joyous I was everyone's Raina Foleman god dammit. But I was tired of holding up a mask all this time and putting on that show I was tired of being "perfect" Raina Foleman. That all I wanted to do was let go and have them see who I really was, what I really was but I just couldn't come to terms to what I had become. What had I become? The sad thing was I didn't even know and the truth was I didn't want to.
KARA
Listening and listening to the hushed voices of those 2 girls drew me in like a sunset beach to gawking tourists. Sometimes mastering the work of silence had had its benefits yet finally after tears were shed, faces flushed and hugs of such shared. It finally came out..the vulnerability, honesty, insecureness and emotion all just poured out of that tiny, spirited twig of Raina Foleman and at that very day of raging winds and undeniable sadness I learned something that I never knew in my life. That even the brightest stars had the darkest secrets.

February 14th

DAVIE
"Hey Davie are you still up there" whined my 12 year old brother Max, in his hands two breakfast burritos alongside with a pack of root beer. "Yep" I calmly answered as I always did at this time of day at last it was finally Saturday the best day of the week since that was the day I got the whole roof to myself besides the occasional drop-ins from Max. "Found any meteors or shooting stars?" questioned Max excitedly pulling out one of the extra chairs right beside me his eyes peering at my jotted down notes of planets and star clusters. "Nope not yet, but I'm sure feeling lucky you know what would make us luckier though" I aroused Max, his ears perked up just as a dogs and smile a shimmering view. "What?" he announced "That extra burrito you brought up here" I ended smiling at him while then taking the deliciousness of food into my hands. As I regained my focus poking my eye through my new 4D extension hydrocaptic telescope which I had won through a spelling bee against the national reigning champ of East Los Angeles until I had arrived and washed away any dreams of her 3 year long winnings.In fact sometimes all that I ever felt I was good at was being "smart" and if I hadn't had the slightest bit of brain capacity I beheld I always seemed to wonder what would become of me. If maybe I'd end up just like Wilma, broken, forgotten and crumpled into nothingness. And if I turned into a Wilma would a little boy still remember me, would regret his life because of mines, would hide himself forever all because of a Wilma. "Davie your zoning out again, you know how much dad hates when you do that in less you want him to call Dr. Peter or Ms. Nancy" Max spoke about cautiously as if his every word was being recorded and his life depended on saying the right things. "No we don't have to call Dr. Peter or Nancy can't a guy just think?" I groaned irritatingly "Hey bro don't get all mad at me I'm just looking out for you, I know you've been having a tough week and stuff so maybe trying to stay out of trouble would be a good idea" Max answered back smartly. "Whatever, my life ain't none of your business and I'm the older brother no matter how dad sizes us up" I spoke once more. "Maybe it is because it is quite obvious you can't manage your own shit so just chill out okay cause sometimes I know what's best" Max said back condescendingly. "Just shut the fuck up okay because you don't know what's best for me and you never will, everyone thinks they get me but they don't so just fucking stop!" I shouted back angrily, slamming my chair on the ground. As Max's eyes looked at me in complete shock "Try to be a brother to you and now I realize why your always alone" Max spat back sharply his nostrils flaring like a bulls. "Yeah maybe you do because no one seems to need me and I don't need you, just go okay I'm not in the mood to talk." I finished as I stared into the utter abyss of the skylight. "I'd be glad too" Max replied mockingly slamming the door on his way out. Then it was silence, only the wind against my skin, only the rage filling my lungs. As I sat and thought of Wilma for the rest of the day...

HOWIE
Saturday's always seemed to be one of the worst days of the week. Dad was never home always drunk in some rusted excuse of a bar or hung over in some twenty-year-old girls' apartment. Leaving the responsibility of my baby sister Lauren in my doubtful hands but atleast there was always one good thing about Saturdays and that was basketball practice, because it was the practice right before our big game, the one day where I could be free and run and race and sweat and just be me!! "Howie bear!!" screamed Lauren in a sweetly frightened tone. "What is it Lauren?" I questioned slightly annoyed at the distraction of Lauren's little scare attempt. "There's a buggy in my room!!" she cried out her face as pale as a ghost. "Oh don't worry Laurie its just a caterpillar they don't bite they turn into butterfly's and one day fly and when that day comes they'll be just like fairies" I spoke gently placing the green caterpillar into the un-raked yard outback. "A fairy?" asked Lauren shyly "yup just like a fairy" I smiled back lifting her into my arms and snuggling her closely "Howie bear I want to be a fairy one day and we can fly far, far away" Lauren whispered gently into my ear "Me too, Laurie and one day we will be butterfly's, just like a fairy and I'll fly us far, far away" I spoke back softly in her delicate little ears holding her close a tear falling from my eyes yet just as swiftly replaced with coldness as it should be and always would be.

KARA
It was yet again another joyful weekend stuck in the background of my own family and brushed off like dust to a shelf. My ears still rang of the desperate cries from little Raina. How could no one see, how could she not see what had happened? But even so I needed to stop it wasn't my issue and I wouldn't make it mines either because people like me never even associated with people like her. People like me didn't even have friends to gossip about shit like that, people like me were stuffed to back corners and drenched in baggy, black sheets of clothing. And people like me would never say a word because I was just Kara less than and nothing more and people like them would never change that. I just hoped they did not see me, I left well into their breakdowns and did not want to be swept up into unnecessary drama. "Hey look it's dweeby finally out of her natural habitat" gasped Joanna hastily her laughs a mix of evil and pleasure "Joanna leave your sister alone" argued dad light heartedly patting Joanna on the head. "Hi bunches what'd you like for breakfast mom left a couple of strips of bacon and 2 eggs for you in the fridge" spoke dad as I irritatingly rolled my eyes had the man yet to learn I was a FRICKING VEGETARIAN!!! For 4 months now and still that irritating nickname "bunches" for the times when I was younger and had billions of neck rolls. "No dad for the last time I'm a vegetarian and my name is Kara I understand you all don't know me but atleast get that straight and Joanna shut up you may be quiet right at this moment but shut up before you say something dumb like always I mean for god's sake its not like Jake Willian is here so get off the act and maybe I'll get off mines!" I screamed racing out of the room leaving no time for each of them to retaliate. As I ran into the blistering cold of the neighborhood towards the nearest hot cocoa place due 2 blocks east. I knew the way I acted was terrible and maybe I had no reason at all to scream for a dumb strip of bacon and an egg but I did because I was never heard anyway I was just bunches to them and a complete idiot at school even at life.
Maybe they were all right Josh, Caldwell, Bianca, Jennifer, Todd and that witch of a girl Holly Doberman I was just trash in everyone's eyes a little sigh of hopelessness drowning and taking everyone down with her because an ugly scumbag of a rat like me deserved nothing and in return I would let them be a something. Because nothings were what made others something so that's what I was a nothing no matter how much I wished I wasn't.

RAINA
I told her, I told her everything!!! But that was not the end of it there were people who heard, there was a girl a bleacher girl she heard me and all these thoughts in my head was just all to real now. I had to face it I wasn't the girl everyone thought I was. I regretted it now and yet was a bit relieved to heave all my sorrows onto someone else even if word got out and even if it didn't make it all go away. Sure I trusted Jodie with my soul but that was all I had left... And then I stared upon the seeker before me a reflection driven through my eyes and cried and cried and cried. At what I would have to lose all because of a stupid "specialist" whatever the fuck that was!! I was angry and miserable because I was stuck, judged, forced to be changed, about to lose the person I had tried so hard to become. And as I shakily teared up, my door locked tight as if bordered for battle, I thought, thought hard and well with only 2 things on my mind. Pain and hunger.

February 15

JODIE
It all made so much sense now I felt stupid for not being there, not stopping her or pulling her out of the darkness. I was glad I knew now and Raina was my best friend to see her hurt so much and break inside shattered me. I couldn't pretend to know how to relate to these type of issues. I mean sure I've dealt with insecurities, we all have but none like this and oh how I wished I could help, that I could bring back the girl I knew was deep within. My mind raced in circles even the idea of having to take photos for a stupid basketball game killed me. How could I socialize ? How could I just carry on and force myself to be fine? When the only person I have ever cared about was falling to pieces right before my eyes.

HOWIE

"COME ON BULLDOGS FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT WE'VE GOT SPIRIT WE'VE GOT MIGHT!!" The crowds cheered and roared as we entered the second half of the game with a 15 point lead. It wasn't a victory yet but when I was out here on my court with my boys we all knew that we owned this game, that we were champions. My brow was lined with a rim of sweat as my shaggy blonde hair blurred my vision, I drove down the court Michael and Triston right by my side, we were unstoppable. I passed it to Michael, he went for the dunk but faked left passed it back to me and right then and there a three pointer was sunk into the net. It was then when everything seemed so perfect for me the roaring yells from fans, my friends tapping me on my back, the look of pure pride Laurie seemed to have while eating oreos on the side lines. It was then and only then I felt like the king of the world and I was addicted to that sensation. To the drive, the happiness, the perfection that was basketball, it was utter beauty in my eyes and I was so lucky to be apart of it. The game ended as a total massacre 126-20. I was so proud of my team and of myself because I always knew whenever I left that court behind me I never had a single regret. I washed off in the locker rooms and grabbed all my things prepared to spend a whole afternoon under Lauren's orders until I looked up and I saw her. So beautiful, so indescribable, there she stood right in front of my eyes with a camera in one hand and my heart in the other.

JODIE
I was miserable but the yearbook was not going to write itself, normally I loved the spirit of cheerleaders, announcers and hot boys racing back and forth winning our school pride's heart. But today was just not the same without Raina and all the happiness around me seemed dull. Mrs. Baxter required a full layout on the boys varsity basketball team since her son was one of the assistant coaches. Which meant interviews, pictures, articles and so on, but I just did not have the energy anymore. Yet, I sucked it up, grabbed my camera and headed for the boys locker room. The immense smells of sweat and boy odor masked my senses but I had no choice, I just wanted to get this over with. I took a couple shots of the boys huddling and cheering since I already had a lot of interviews of the fans and the head coach. I was practically done all I needed was the star player Howie Rickson to give me my last ticket out of this school and just as I searched the room for his blonde tall figure. I found him, his eyes locked dead set on me.


DAVIE

"So how are you today David, have anything you want to talk about because I want you to know that I'm always here to listen" spoke Nancy in her overwhelmingly calm yet condescending tone. I said nothing just tilted my head back on Nancy's burgundy couch and stared at her fan spinning endlessly in circles. This was my fourth visit with the dreaded Nancy and my sixth therapist this past year, I knew she would turn out to be another temporary because that's how they all turned out. It was sad they all had the same run down about feelings and being there and shrinking your brain but I hated it. They were not my friends nor did they know my life why did my father's wallet have to make someone interested in me. "Your files say that Dr. Peter took you off some of your medicines, do you have any thoughts on that" she questioned me, her frizzy hair sticking to her glasses like bees to honey. Again I said nothing but instead stared blankly at her poor attempts of office decor, she just shook her head and jotted down notes in her notebook. "Why do therapists write things down all the time? Do you guys not appreciate silence or practice the courtesy of conversing with people respectfully" I spat aloud as her eyes widened shocked that words had actually fallen out of my mouth. "Um excuse me, what do you mean?" she asked "I mean that I get I didn't answer your questions but can't we enjoy silence how do you expect people to trust in this process when I feel as though I'm a presentation that your taking notes on, I just don't understand it." Nancy took a moment to recuperate and started to drone on talking about how she wants to help by learning about my issues therefore takes notes and the benefits of the "process" but I tuned her out I got my point across. And so the hour went by not a single word more spoken the entire day.

RAINA

It was another terrible day which seemed to be the theme of everyday recently. My father was out at the lumberyard working overtime to make up for the numerous days off that he forced himself to take when shipping me to doctors and specialist appointments over the past week. Abby was home I could hear her music down the hall the thumping bass and obnoxious sound burned through my head. I had to get out it was forever since I released myself from my room, I shouted out that I was leaving and to call if anything then I set off on a walk. I didn't know where I was going or if I was allowed to be "active" apparently just a single walk or jog could take me out. I was so depressed and felt stuck as if absolutely nothing could bring me out of how I felt.I didn't know that those meals would make such a difference, that those runs and push ups pushed me over the edge, that the scale had taunted me to the breaking point...I didn't know. The Newsberry book store neared me it was so long since I got out and went book shopping something I purely enjoyed. Writing, reading I loved it and ever since school got more vigorous between clubs, friends, grades and my issues those passions fell through the cracks. The store was filled with rows of knowledge and the smell of Starbucks, yet nearly vacant which was a nice change from all the people who would swarm me at school. I grabbed a romance novel and a caramel frappucino and just as I went to find a seat I saw the bleacher girl. My stomach dropped.

KARA

She stopped right before my table frozen in a trance of fear. Raina Foleman and her bright starry eyes staring into the depths of my soul, I had no idea what to do she obviously knew that I was the girl underneath the bleachers. Someone like Raina would have never noticed my presence on any other given day or for any other given reason. Yet here she stood, my mind racing for any sort of explanation to fall from my lips, and yet nothing came. "You're the girl aren't you ?" she spoke, as she fixated her glare onto me while not letting way. "The girl ?" I questioned sheepishly, "Yes, you're that bleacher girl aren't you" Raina continued. "Um I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about" I nervously lied trying to play off the entire situation, yet failing miserably. She kept staring and staring while briefly pausing to roll her eyes in frustration "Look I never forget a face, and I remember you at the bleachers yesterday, you can deny as much as you please, but as far as anyone knows that day didn't happen and you didn't hear anything" Raina ordered, while twidling her thumbs repetitively not used to unfriendly and awkward confrontations such as this one. Still I sat in complete silence not letting a single word escape the depths of my mind, deep in thought clueless on what angle to take since I was obviously exposed as the bleacher girl who listens in on others problems. She waited staring and staring as the pain of her glances began to burn me inside out. "The day didn't happen, I saw nothing, I heard nothing" I stated looking down at my now cold coffee. "Thank you" she softly said her cheeks a glistening bright red and mannerisms a clear indication to the embarrassment and nervousness consuming her. For I, a complete stranger knew one of, if not the deepest darkest parts of her, how could she not be scared? She began to walk away slowly bowing her head down and playing with the coaster of her coffee, yet my eyes followed her completely and the words that at first were trapped within my thoughts had now forced its way out, "Raina" I called as she turned abruptly towards me. "I'm sorry," her eyes began to slowly well up with tears and body stiffened straight up "You don't know anything remember, so you shouldn't be sorry for anything" she quickly stammered before turning around and racing out of the coffee shop.