The Forgotten

Dark Days Have Come
         Of course it would rain today. The sky is glum, there are tears falling from the sky, there must be a funeral today. This is nothing compared to the raging hurricane going on inside my head.
         Why not me?
         She didn't deserve this.
         She's the good one.
         "Sera? Seraphina darling, please come downstairs." My grandmother's voice rings from the foyer. I don't even want to leave my bed, let alone go anywhere. It's raining, we should stay inside where it's warm and dry. I close my eyes. It's easier to close them and pretend that there's nothing wrong. I realize this house is anything but warm. It should be just a typical Tuesday. I'm in English Lit, listening to Mr. Lloyd go on and on about The Catcher and the Rye. Just a regular Tuesday.
         It'll never be just a Tuesday again.
         Three knocks come on the door, I roll over shielding myself from view of the door. "Sera, please come downstairs. It's almost time to leave." My grandmother walks silently across the room and perches herself on the edge of my bed. My black dress is wrinkled, and I no doubt have raccoon eyes from my mascara. Grandma looks older. Her face is sunken, and she seems so frail.
         She wasn't supposed to outlive her granddaughter.
         "Lucie is waiting for us, you need this." She says as she begins to rub my back. Lucie needs this, huh? I think she'd rather have a heartbeat. "Maddie is waiting for you downstairs. Can I send her up?" She asks quietly. I haven't been able to make a coherent sentence in days. "S-sure" I stammer. I can't stand to let her see her only granddaughter left like this. She kisses me on the forehead, hoping more than likely that it will give me the strength to go downstairs.
         It won't. Nothing will.
         "Sera?" My best friends voice echoes. I remain facing the window, away from everyone. Maybe then I won't infect anyone else with this sadness. God knows that it's tearing me apart. Maddie crawls onto her side of my bed, kicking off her shoes and lying beside me. "I know this is hard, but I need you to get up. Please, you're family needs you right now." In a zombie-esque state, I fling my legs over the side of my bed, showing her that I am making an effort to get up. Maddie skirts around me, and I put my head in my hands. I don't even want to think about how bad I must look right now.
         But really, who gives a fuck.
         Maddie grabs my hairbrush off of my vanity table and comes back over to me. My long red hair reflects my emotional state: messy and unruly. The normally calm waves that frame my freckled face instead contract and knot atop my head, and any attempt to brush them through only leaves me in pain.
         So be it. This is all I'm going to feel the rest of my pathetic life.
         Giving up on trying to be gentle, Maddie rakes through my tangled tresses with no trace of grace. I wince, but it doesn't matter. When my hair is semi-contained, Maddie moves to tackle my raccoon eyes. She levels herself with me in my stooped position, and eagerly goes to work. I can see the pity in her eyes, and it makes me hate myself. This shouldn't have happened. Nobody needs to take care of me.
         Then why are you letting them?
         "Okay beautiful, you're ready to go. Do you need anything else?" she asks sincerely. My sister, I feel the urge to say, but hold back. There's no need to be testy, she only wants to help. I stretch out my muscles, but they tug back. After being curled up for so long, they seem to have forgotten what it feels like to be outstretched. Silently, I walk over and grab my black heels. They may seem a little extravagant for a funeral, but they were Lucie's favourite.
         "Are you ready?" I ask Maddie. Suddenly, I'm overly observant. My senses seem to be making up for their days of inactivity. Maddie's brown hair is pin straight, however slightly ruffled. Her brown eyes are sad, I seem to have forgetten that I may have lost my sister, but there are so many other people that lost her too. Now it's time to put on my best performance, because it's just me and people need more than that.
         What they need is Lucie.
         Walking down the stairs my new found sense of self seems to waver slightly. My mother is alone on the chaise, while I can faintly hear my father tinkering in the garage. The death of a child is the one of the main causes of divorce in the country. Maddie walks into the kitchen, undoubtedly giving my mother and I some privacy.
          "Mommy?" I say. I haven't called her Mommy since I don't know when. Her face remains blank, my comment going unnoticed. "Mom?" I say again, louder this time. I walk over and sit lightly on the edge. "Mom?" I say in an almost whisper. I don't know what hellish place she's in in her head right now, but I do know that I can't let her linger there. She jerks suddenly, realizing that I am now sitting beside her. "Sera, sorry hunny. I wasn't ignoring you, I promise." Her beautiful features cast a sorrowful gaze across her face. Her normally beaming smile is gone, replaced with the straight frown of grief. I can see tears well up in her eyes, no doubt seeing Lucie in me. People always said that we were identical, I realize now what a terrible curse it has turned out to be. I shy away from my mother, as my grandma yells for her.
         "Miranda? Is Seraphina down here yet?" She walks into the living room to see Mom nearly in tears again, and nothing but devastation written across my face. Gracefully excusing myself I walk into the kitchen to find Maddie. "Maddie?" I call.
         "Sera? Over here." I see Maddie sitting on the counter, eating ice cream right out of the carton. She silently hands me a second spoon, and I join her on the counter. The cookie dough ice cream tastes phenomenal, but with every bite I take I feel my gut sink.
         Not even my two favourite men can help me now.
         "She can't look at me." I whisper, saving my words just for her. "Lucie may have died, but still it seems that she's losing both of us." I look for warmth and comfort in my best friend. Any other day I would've called her my sister. We've been as thick as thieves since childhood. Now, I'm so grateful that we're not. "That's not true. Ser, you're just grieving. It's okay. Everyone is sad. We're going to be sad for a while, but it won't be forever." She wraps her arm across my shoulders and I sink into her. "I can see it in her eyes. She's looking at me, but all she sees is what Lucie will never be. How can I live with that?" I ask, rubbing my eyes trying to hold off the tears. "Seraphina, let's just get through today. We'll get through this, one day at a time."
         "Alright everybody, it's time to go." My dad said as he came inside to wash his hands. They were covered in grease, and somewhere along the way he lost his jacket. My grandmother stood there stunned as he washed away the grit and dirt with his loosened tie hanging haphazardly over the sink.
         "Damon?!" She exclaimed. "What in God's green Earth do you think you were doing getting all dirty?" She hurried over to him and started straightening out his clothing, and re-tying his tie. I just exclaimed a stunned look with Maddie. I couldn't believe that he thought now was the time to work on his car. I jumped off the counter, smoothed down my dress and slipped my feet into my shoes. "And where is your jacket Mister?" Grandma asked impatiently. "Relax Priscilla, it's just in the car." He turned to me and continued, "You look beautiful Sera." He smiled and walked right back outside. Quietly we all gathered our things and walked out through the garage door. The air smelled like sweet gasoline mixed with Dad's cologne. The garage was definitely his "man cave" and no one would tell him anything in here. Not even my Grandmother. We all piled into my Dad's black Chevy Suburban and I couldn't help but think how depressing we all looked.




Let It Rain
Outside the weather remained as dreary as the emotional state of everyone inside the massive Suburban. The houses passed by as nothing but blurs. Their doors shielding its inhabitants from the sorrow that hung in the air. We lived in a small town, but not one like the movies. Sure, most people know who you were, or someone you were related too, but we didn't gather for Town Meetings, and we didn't all see each other every day. Everyone in Livingston, was busy living their own lives.
News of Lucie's death sure sprung everybody's condolences though. No matter where we were you could hear her name hanging in the air as people whispered about the poor family who lost their sister and their daughter too soon. Even know, the people we passed on the road seemed to just know that we were on our way to a funeral. I looked over at Maddie, who was already watching me, and gave her a smile. I know neither of us believed it.
We parked our beast of a vehicle under the overhang at the funeral home. It was a Victorian era house-turned-funeral-home. The exterior was a warm yellow brick and the inside was just as elegantly decorated. We were ushered into a private viewing for the family only, but we all opted to keep the casket closed. No one wanted to see the cuts and bruises that littered my beautiful sister's face.
We all sat awkwardly in silence while we were accompanied by the funeral director. Mr. Goldsmith was an elderly man with a wrinkled face but a comforting aura. I wondered how many funerals he has officiated. Ten? Twenty? One hundred? Probably more. Mom had said this was his family's business and had been for four generations. I guess starting them young is how you become so numb to all the death and sadness that you're surrounded by all day.
Willing myself to look at anything but the casket, I looked around at the flower shop that had taken up most of the room. There were everything from roses to daisies to bundles of everything. Bright colours surrounded the room and the fragrance was intoxicating. The flowers that caught my attention were the orchids. Lucie hated orchids, but they were my favourite. I couldn't help but think that if she were here, she would hate it all. As the youngest, you'd think that she'd relish in all the attention as most younger siblings do. Lucie was different though. She didn't need to demand attention from anyone. She just automatically captivated you the second she walked in the door. "She has a presence that cannot be ignored" my Gram used to say.
A presence that will never be felt again.
Time dragged on, and I became exceedingly uncomfortable. There was a board of family pictures, pictures of Lucie. In every single one I can relive the moments where and when they were taken. The one that caught my eye was our last family photograph. It wasn't planned, and we didn't hire anyone to take our picture, but we were at a cottage in Lakeside and an elderly couple passing by offered. We were on our way back from the beach. Lucie looked perfect as always. Her similar red hair curled naturally to perfection, with the exception of a few strands that had fallen victims to the summer humidity. Mom hung around Dad's shoulders, them looking like a couple just coming from their honeymoon.
         I let the memory consume me. The humid air was offset by the breeze coming up from the water. Salt water and pine scents entwined themselves into the wind. We were happy. Dad was sunburnt as always- that man can never grasp the concept of good sunscreen, and Mom couldn't help but love it.
Some things never change,
         others, all too much.
Lucie was cracking jokes, as always. "Mom, I think we should throw Dad on the grill tonight with the lobster! I'm sure it's all just the same right?" We all shared a laugh at Dad's dismay. The older couple complimented us as we walked past them. "Such a beautiful family you have. There is nothing more special to a parent then the joys of their children." They took the picture and we never saw them after that.
I've never felt like I didn't belong somewhere. Sure, I felt awkward and unwelcome sometimes, but never like I didn't belong. I always found solace in someone; something. Looking around at my family, I realized now that we as a whole family unit didn't belong. I'd already finished cusing God. That was the first thing I did after I heard the news. I know that there is a natural order, and Darwin explicitly says that only the strong survive. Natural selection he called it. Well nature here's a news flash: You really fucked up this time.
The ornate wooden grandfather clock chimed three o'clock. Mr. Goldsmith stood up from behind his papers, "Well my friends, it's three o'clock. Guests have undoubtedly started arriving, it's time that we go and welcome them" he said as he stood. Dad was the first one follow him out, not before helping my Mother up from her stoop on the couch. "Seraphina, Madeline, take your time." She said with a comforting smile. I shook my head, "I need to get out of here. Let's go." Maddie followed me up the stairs to the front hall. Dozens of people had already gathered there, and my parents were already making the rounds, thanking them for coming. I saw teachers, people from school, even the local librarian was here. Suddenly it all became too real.
         "Maddie I need some coffee. Will you come get some with me?" I asked as I turned away from the gaping crowd. "Anything" she said as she hurriedly followed me to the kitchenette. Scattered all around were finger delicacies from the bakery on Fourth Avenue. People stress-eat, I guess. Not me. I just needed a caffeine fix. I saw a full carafe atop the small brewer underneath the old wooden cabinets. Deliberately searching all of them I finally found the biggest mug in the kitchen, and filled it to the brim with straight black coffee. Maddie stood in awe as I gulped the dark sludge down. The coffee was truly terrible, it's normally comforting taste replaced with nothing but disgusting flavored water. My face contorted in utter distaste. "Are you gonna live?" Maddie asked, immediately clasping her hand over her mouth realizing how inappropriate her comment was. Her face flushed with embarrassment and regret. "I'm so sorry! You know that I didn't mean it. Sera I - I just wasn't thinking. Oh my sweet god." She was shaking her head and was wracked with grief. We were always good at trying to subtly skirt around things like that. I wasn't going to let today be any different. "Oh come on, it's going to take more than that to shake me." I said as I flashed her a smile. I hated seeing her hurt, and all I wanted to do was make it stop, but I just simply didn't know how.
Right before things had the chance to get any more awkward, Gram walked in, "Sera, there are some people asking for you." I looked at Maddie, she had stopped blushing, and began to hide the hurt that we both know that she was feeling. "Okay everybody, game faces" I said, trying to be uplifting. All it seemed to garner me was a concerned look from Gram, and a confused expression from Maddie.
Well, a girl can try.
We followed Gram's hasty steps towards the crowd of people her for the service. Passing many familiar faces, I was comforted by the only face I wanted to see, "Tommy!" I gave my boyfriend a long hug, stealing a few moments for my own grievances. "There's my girl." He said smiling. For as hellish as the past week has been, he was always a silver lining. His cool blue eyes welcomed my soul home, like a sailor returning to a familiar harbor. Admiring him in his tall suit, I felt a single tear fall down my cheek. He hated suits, he was much more the type of guy to wear jeans and a holey t-shirt. Part of me wishes he did. It would've been more normal.
The reception continued on, and people crowded around my weeping family. Whispers resonated through the crowd, "Police have no leads", and "They don't think they'll find him". I held on to Tommy's hand for dear life. No one can grasp the pain of losing someone they love, but it's even harder to do when they weren't supposed to be taken in the first place.
"Dear friends and family, if you would please take your seats, the ceremony is about to begin" said Mr. Goldsmith, his voice rich and smooth. We took our seats at the very front, my parents to my left, and Tommy to my right. It hadn't taken a lot of convincing to let them allow him to sit with us, we'd been together for three years he was already family. "Lucille Maria Kincaide was a bright, happy girl who loved life. She was a bright, shimmering star that enveloped everyone she met. She was a respected member of the Livingston High School Student Parliament, and a champion runner on the cross country team."
Too bad she just couldn't outrun death.
Mr. Goldsmith paused, surveying the crowd. It was filled with teenagers, more so than there should've been. Groups of girls in the back had already started crying their faces blurred by their hands, and their cries muffled. "I would like to give my condolences to Lucie's family, her parents Damon and Miranda, her sister Seraphina, and her grandmother Priscilla. Now, I would like to welcome Priscilla to say a few words." With a nod, he moved from behind the elevated to a single chair seated behind it. Gram took to the podium, already with tears in her eyes.
"Lucie was an angel. I firmly believe she was sent to me and my family as a gift. She was one of the lights of my life, and now, all there is an empty void. Lucie was born during the clearest night, the night's stars shining, seemingly just for her. When she was six, she begged me to French braid her hair, Sera, who was eight at the time, wanted nothing of it, but Lucie wouldn't have it." Gram's words struck a nerve. I knew exactly what day she was talking about.
I wish we could have matching hair one more time. No matter how bad it looked.
The tears started coming. I rose from my seat, and walked over to the podium. Gram was the only one who was coherent enough to write a speech for the funeral, but by the pain in her eyes, and the lack of energy in her step, she couldn't continue. I felt everyone's eyes on me. Lucie's elder twin, it must seem as if they were seeing her ghost. No such luck, just me. I hugged Gram, and whispered in her ear that I would finish the eulogy. Wiping a few straggling tears from my eyes, I cleared my throat.
Everyone seemed so distraught. I knew these words that Gram had wrote wouldn't fill the void that Lucie left, but it might make them appreciate the memories that they did have with her. "Hello everyone, thank you for coming" I looked out at everyone and suddenly I was terrified. I tried to avoid any form of public anything, always preferring the background. I focused on Tommy. He gave me a reassuring smile, though I could see his demeanor waiver. He too loved Lucie. "As my Gram was saying, I was eight. I always hated braids, I still do." I said with a laugh. 'But Lucie would not let up on getting one done without me, so I did. She went around parading her beautiful braid to everyone at Sunday dinner. My aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone, she needed them to see how beautiful she looked. At least that I thought. Then she dragged me into the dining room, and boldly said, "And Sera is the most beautiful of them all. Doesn't she just look great?" When, everyone said that I was, Lucie said again, "Tell her she's beautiful. Every girl needs to know she's beautiful." Lucie was the wisest girl I ever knew, even when she was just six. That's how our relationship was. She was the outgoing one; she was the one who knew how to live. I was the one that sometimes needed a little help.' My mom let out a yelp. "I don't know how to live without Lucie, she may have been the youngest, but I still had so much to learn from her. But she was taken from me, and she was taken from all of you. The road to recovery is a long one, but we'll get through it. We don't have a choice. Lucie needs us not too." I finished but still I felt it wasn't enough. "I just wanted to tell you, everyone here, thank you. Lucie loved you all." Before I could say any more I ran back down to my seat beside Tommy. "That was beautiful Ser." He said as he planted a light kiss on my cheek. He encircled me in a side hug, making sure to press me close to his beating heart. A friend of Lucie's took the stage next, recalling her passionate demeanor, her accomplishments at school, and a trip to the capital they had just come back from. Hearing her speak made me think of all the things that she was missing, everything that she wouldn't get to have in life.
"If the pol bearers would please come forward" Mr. Goldsmith announced. Tommy and my father rose, along with my Uncle Jason, and two of my cousins, Brett and Paul. Tommy and my father took the rungs in the front, their faces stone cold. They led the procession out from the funeral hall, followed by my mother, Gram, and I. We all watched them place Lucie's casket in the back of the hearse, then we all piled into our vehicles.


         
Barefoot in Graveyard Dirt
The car ride to the cemetery was just as awkward as the one to the funeral home. However, the persistent rain that had plagued much of the earlier day had finally let up, and the sun was even trying to break through the clouds. It's almost poetic. My mother attempted to muffle her cries, but to no prevail. They cracked in the silence like lightening in a thunder-less storm. Knowing I couldn't stop them, I just stared blankly out the window.
The wrought-iron gates of the cemetery were open, and we drove past the ancient mausoleum, up and around the winding hills that centuries worth of gravestones were scattered upon to reach Lucie's final resting place. It sat alone, a top the highest hill looking out over a dense forest. Here, the crypt-keeper said she would see the sunrise and sunset every day for eternity. That doesn't make it any better.
We parked the Suburban just down the slope of the hill, behind the hearse. The rainy day had proved against Lucie's favourite shoes, and to keep them clean, I just took them off. Maddie glanced over at me with a questioning look as she saw me undo the ankle strap, but got out without a word anyway The gravel beneath my feet stung, but only barely. The soft, wet dirt comforted my bare feet home. The grass painted raindrops across my foot, and somehow it made burying my baby sister a little easier.
It took only about fifteen minutes for the rest of the funeral procession to arrive at Lucie's grave. Mr. Goldsmith recited a prayer, and lasting goodbye's to Lucie's spirit then returned her to the Earth. My stomach dropped as she was lowered deeper and deeper into the cool ground. This is it. This really is goodbye. Unable to control myself, I let out a long sob. This was the moment that they warn you about. You may seem to be fine for the week after, including the two visitations and the funeral. But watching her lifeless body be lowered six feet into the ground was too much.
         Flashes of memories of Lucie shot through my mind like a movie; her running around the house in diapers, her stealing my hairbrush and singing into it very off-tune, her first track meet, the first time she brought a boy home for my Dad to meet. Lucie. Tommy wrapped himself around me, holding me close to him. His suit absorbed my tears, and he kept whispering that it was going to be okay, that we were going to get through this together in my ears. I felt him start to cry, them pouring onto my cheeks as they cascaded down his high cheekbones. Time seemed to stop. There was nothing but my blubbering cries and a deep, gaping hole in my heart. My lungs seemed to seize up, and suddenly I was gasping for air. "Sera, don't forget to breathe. Take a deep breath, in, and out." He himself also took a deep breath, his body encouraging mine to follow. Looking around, I noticed that the crowd had thinned, with my immediate family, Tommy, and Maddie being the only ones left at her grave.
         "Can we leave?" I ask impatiently. I couldn't be here anymore. This place, this wasn't where Lucie was. Lucie was a southern gust rustling the leaves on the old oak tree in our backyard. She was the summer sun beating down on our backs. She wasn't a cold stone in the middle of a sea of cold stones. "Alright." My dad said, as he guided my distraught mother towards the SUV. Tommy walked with us, only to say his goodbyes away from Lucie's grave. When we were out of earshot of the others, he said, "I love you Red." I looked at him with hollow eyes. "I love you too. Come straight to my house okay?" He nodded his head with a yes and kissed me before heading to his truck.
         On the drive home, I began thinking of all the mindless mingling that was currently happening at my house. We were having the wake there, not wanting to rent out a space that seemed impersonal. Dozens of people all eating finger sandwiches and reminiscing about the good ole days before the world was so plagued of sickos. We pulled into my driveway to see exactly what I had expected. Cars of every make and model littered our normally quiet street, and people were clearly visible in the front room. We parked in the garage, with Tommy's truck occupying the driveway, pulling in directly behind us. I got out of the SUV and immediately headed straight to my room.
         Holding Lucie's shoes in my hand, I went into our bathroom. Her things still littered her drawers and most of the counter space. I ignored them and started to run the tub. Hot water filled it's basin and I stared blankly at my reflection in the ripples of the water. Not wanting to ruin my dress, I changed into a pair of old thinning sweatpants and an old sweatshirt. Two light knocks came on the door, and I knew who was on the other side. "Tommy, you don't need to knock." He let himself in and sat on the bench seat under the window. "Are you okay?" He asked. No. Isn't that obvious? I smiled, "I will be." The tub wasn't even a quarter full, but I turned the tap off anyways. I draped my legs over the side and let my feet soak. Dirt and grime had seeped its way into my skin, the hot water turning a gruesome shade of brown. "Can I help you?" sounded Tommy. A glint of sarcasm sparked across my face. "I think I can clean off my own two feet." I paused. "But I mean three feet is definitely out of the question." He chuckled. "I loved your speech today. Definitely put some people at ease." He said. "Just not enough," I said with a sigh, returning to my glum state. Tommy shrugged off his socks and shoes, and put his feet in the dirty tub water. "Do I get a complimentary massage after this?" he said with a smirk. I giggled. "Do I get a complimentary massage after this?" I retorted. His face lit up and I was so caught up in his elegant features that I noticed a second too late when he jumped up and started tickling me. I let out a ragged laugh and barely fought him off. When my laughter caught in my throat, and I needed a breath Tommy lifted me out the bathtub. My black dress was splattered with water, and his pants were soaked from the ankles down. In a moment of vulnerability I muttered, "Don't ever leave me Thomas Kelley." We never tended to talk about our future, because frankly, we didn't want too. There are too many stories of people sacrificing their futures for their high school sweethearts that we didn't want to jinx ourselves. In a way, we were just avoiding the inevitable. "Then be Seraphina Adelaide Kelley." I was shocked to hear the words leave his lips. "You-you're not proposing to me are you?" I shuddered. This was too much. He let out another laugh. "Of course I'm not! But one day, I will be. Listen, I got you something." Tommy looked down at his shoes, "I got this for you before - before Lucie, but it doesn't change that I want you to have it." He handed me a small box, in it was a beautiful ring, with a small ruby in the center of a swirling gold band. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. "Tommy." I gasped. "Tommy, I can't. This must have been so expensive." I shook my head in denial.
"You can and you will, you hear me?" He took the ring out of the box and slid it on my finger.
"Until I can put the proper one there where it belongs, will you wear this ring for me, Seraphina Adelaide Kincaide?"
I flushed. "Really? This is really a thing?"
"Sera?"
"Of course. I just can't believe it is all" I smiled. Then I started to cry. I was just given the most beautiful ring, and the only person I wanted to show wasn't here. Then I started to feel even more guilty. My boyfriend had just given me a huge token of love, and Lucie would never get one. "Sera, what's wrong?" Tommy smile faded, confusion and worry set in. How am I supposed to live like this? I stared down at my feet, unable to meet Tommy's gaze. "I miss Lucie" I blurted out. I looked up to see his blue eyes staring straight into mine. I started crying, hating myself for ruining this perfect moment between Tommy and I. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I muttered between sobs. "Sera, I told you. You never need to apologize to me." He wrapped his arms around me, and then carried me into my adjoining bedroom.
         



The Trees Have Eyes
Tommy and I laid together on my bed. I soaked the shoulder of his t-shirt with my tears, but he didn't say a word. I fell into a fitful darkness. Suddenly, there were trees everywhere. A deserted path led seemingly to nowhere. Darkness hung in the evergreen forest's branches and panic set in. I took off at a run down the path, hoping to find a way out. "Sera" I heard Lucie whisper. "Lucie?!" I spun around, an urgent need to find the source of her voice. Her voiced resonated within the trees, and I had no idea where to run.
         I take off, running as fast as I could, through the forest rubble. Tree branches scratched my exposed arms and legs, while mud splattered my feet and ankles, and rocks cut my soles. "Sera" echoed, and I seemed to be going nowhere. "Lucie!" I screamed. My heart swelled, and I missed her with more intensity than I had ever felt before. "God damn it!" I collapsed to the ground. Blood intertwined so intricately that I couldn't differentiate between it and the dark mud. The darkness shrugged closer. It clung to my skin like leeches. A cold wind blew harshly against me and I cried.
Time seemed to be infinite in this place. I had no perception of how long I had been sitting on the hardened forest floor, but impatience was bubbling inside me. "What do you want?" I yelled. "Are you trying to torture me? Because let me assure you existing is hard enough. Every breath that I take I wish to be my last but I guess what I want doesn't matter?" The air around me had grown so cold the tears pouring down my face were like small needles made from ice. I shuddered from the inside out, and I could feel my fingers and toes turning blue.
Lucie.
I seemed to disassociate myself from my corporeal form, and saw the mess that was myself. I had never seen me so pitiful looking. I was enraged. Who had the right to do this to me? Why did I let this happen?! I didn't die, Lucie did. Looking at myself, all I could see was a pit of darkness. Death seemed to swallow me whole, without actually claiming me. My eyes were harrowing; lifeless and puffy, my face sunken and cast in dark shadows. I looked frail, as though I had aged without growing old. Anger rattled me, and I could feel myself start to shake. Everything was so messed up.
         Off in the distance I could hear strong footfalls. Nothing slight like Lucie's or mine. The crush of underbrush faint, but distinguishable. Moments passed and a man, looking brutish and coarse stood at the edge of a thicket of trees. He breathed heavily, just watching me. I tried to speak, but I was suddenly mute. I couldn't explain it, but the man was simply off. Absently I watched as my crouched figure was privy to this man's gaze, and I shuddered.
I awoke in a cold sweat to Tommy curled around me, a new slew of showers pounding away at my tattered windows.


The Earth Always Turns
After the day of the funeral, everything seemed to fall into routine; except that it was an entirely new routine. Mom left earlier for work, and didn't come home until later, Dad spent all his free time in the garage, and Gram made dinner. I was only in school for half days, alternating mornings and afternoons. It was impossible to be in a place that reminded me so much of Lucie, and her not being there. I saw her hanging out by her locker, which was now covered in pictures of her along with flowers and letters. She was in the girls change room in her ridiculous track uniform. Even just passing her in the hallway in between World Issues and Ancient History barely even nodding to one another. I had daily appointments with the school counsellor which proved to be the easiest forty-five minutes ever.
         "How are you today Seraphina?" Mrs. Countelle would ask me. The young twenty-something teacher only worked as a counsellor for half-days because the job market was in such a slum. She always had potpourri on her desk, and she always smelt of a lush garden. Being in her room was almost intoxicating. "I am fantastic, please tell me, how are you?" I would retort. I know all about the stages of grieving, and anger seemed to be a good one for me. "Seraphina, we had this conversation yesterday, and the day before that, and every day you've seen me since you returned to school a week ago. Being mad at the world isn't going to bring your sister back." She crossed a line there. I stood up in raged, "And I don't suppose you could tell me what will, can you?" Her eyes reflected the horror of what was yet to come. "Please, do you have a time machine? I don't suppose you double as Victor Frankenstein? Maybe we can resurrect her, do some weird voodoo chant and this will all be one big joke?!" I was screaming now. I could hear the footsteps of the receptionist outside the door. She no doubt would be calling the Principal and I would get another lecture. They just didn't understand what it was like to lose your entire life. Exhausted, I fell back onto my chair. "You're right, nothing will bring her back, but you don't always have to remind me." I said dejectedly. Mrs. Countelle didn't say anything else the rest of our session. To my surprise five minutes later Tommy walked into the office.
         "Red, c'mon, let's go home." He said, his voice broken. This was hard for him too, but he just couldn't be angry. Which, in turn, made me even more angry. We walked in silence to the student parking lot towards Tommy's red Sierra.
         "Red..." Tommy sighed.
         "Tommy, don't do this to me." I shook my head. I couldn't pretend that I was okay. I so wasn't.
         "You have to stop taking it out on Mrs. Countelle." I was surprised. Tommy almost never chastised me about my, outbursts. He would just rather take me away then deal with the fallout.
         "She started it. She said that Lucie was never coming back." Tommy gave me a long, mournful stare.
         "Red, she's trying to help you. She's helping me, and some of Lucie's other friends too. People are moving on. This isn't you. You can't let this become your entire life."
         "I'm not looking for a fight, Tommy, I swear. Mrs. Countelle, well, she just irks me." We got in the truck, and just sat in the cab. Tommy made no motion to even turn on the radio.
         "Red, she's supposed to. She's supposed to get you to a different place, and that sometimes involves doing things that you don't like." He gave me another heartbroken look.
         "I just don't know what to do Tommy." Tears started down my face. As much as I despised it, it had seemed to become a regular occurrence with me.
         "Oh, Red." Tommy scooted over and put his arms around me. I choked up a bit, but the tears only lasted for a short while. I composed myself, and conversation seemed to falter after. Tommy started the truck and we left the school. We stopped for some coffee, and then headed out to my favourite place; the country.
         When Lucie and I were kids, my grandparent's owned a house just outside town. It was big, old, country farm house. The kitchen was always warm, smelling of something in the oven, and Grandpa always told stories. Lucie and I were out playing in the fields with the horses when we thought we saw something. Way off in the distance. Lucie charged forward, leaving behind the familiarity of the horses pastures, and Grandpa's woodshop to explore the forest. Hours passed, and we never found whatever it was that Lucie saw, but we did manage to get ourselves lost. Then we found someone's old garden. It was overrun with weeds and pests, but there was a bench, and despite our situation, it was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. We hung out there, and as the sun sank low on the trees, we noticed the headlights of a car. Turns out, the garden was only a ways away from the main road, and we were back in time for supper. Since then, even after my grandparents died, I still returned to the overrun garden. I tried to keep it up, but I never had much of a green thumb.
         Tommy and I parked in the all too familiar old laneway, and walked over to the garden. Looking at it now, it seemed sad. Almost as if it knew Lucie would never return to it again. Tommy regarded the garden with the same tenderness and grace that it required, never leaving any sign that he was here. "This is where we had our first kiss." I said. Thinking of the memory; Lucie was weary to let me bring Tommy here. It was our place she'd said. I told her he was special and needed to see the garden to understand me. She laughed, comparing me to this really ugly statue of what might've once been a cherub, but time had disgraced it's features and made it look more like a small winged demon. We'd laughed then, I wasn't sure I ever would like that again. "I know" smiled Tommy. "I was so nervous." He followed. We sat on the weather-worn stone bench. "It was worth getting lost." I sneered.
         "Hey, it was YOUR directions that got us lost!" he laughed. Tommy's laugh was such a sweet sound. It reminded me of sweet honey and a summer afternoon. No matter the turmoil, I'm certain that sound will remind me of the true happiness in life. "Just because you wouldn't stop making me laugh!" I retored. I smiled. Tommy kissed me, long and true. His distinct smell of guy body wash and the pines from the surrounding garden were intoxicating. He wrapped his arms around me, warm and strong, and I couldn't help but relax into him. He was my savior. He was home to me now. The kiss seemed to last forever, I didn't care to note that time really wouldn't slow down, even if I wanted it too. Tommy pulled away and smiled, "I love you Sera." I couldn't help that expanding butterfly feeling in my stomach. No matter how much I hurt, this hurt I felt now, was pure love. I couldn't explain it if I tried, but it's how it is. "I love you too, even if you have leaves in your hair." Tommy's face fell into a confused smirk. While he occupied himself trying to get the non-existent leaves out of his hair, I picked up some loose leaves and threw them right in his face. His wide blue eyes registered the shock a second too late, and soon his brown, curly mess of hair truly looked like a bird's nest. I laughed so hard until my stomach hurt, Tommy right along with me. After we calmed down, I saw a look of concern cross Tommy's face. Tommy was looking absently behind me, not even registering that I had said something to him. "Tommy, what's wrong?" I gave Tommy a slight shake and suddenly it was as if nothing had happened. "Tommy, what was it?" He gave me a confused glance and said, "Oh nothing, just thought I saw someone."
         The temperature started dropping, so we made our way back to the truck. "So, you have today's lessons right?" Tommy said. He was always on me about my homework, he was a true nerd. "Yes, Mr. Kelley." I said sarcastically. The dark fog that seemed to control me nowadays was back and I just wanted to go home and sleep it off, not do some day old homework. "Sera, I'm serious, we're going to need to start applying to college soon, and this is important stuff." Tommy said reluctantly. College seemed so pointless now, without Lucie. She may have been two years younger than me, but she was going to come up on weekends when I wasn't too busy studying. We were going to pretend like we owned the campus, and when she came two years later, we were going to live together. We had so many plans her and I, and I didn't know where I fit into them anymore without her around.
         We started to come back into town, and the street lights were just turning on. I always loved the town at night, it seemed to take on a different life when the sun went down. Maybe that's just my imagination talking though. "Red, I have an idea." Tommy said suddenly. After the mention of college, conversation dropped and the radio was all that filled the silence. "Yeah? What is it?" I said. "This weekend, let's go away. Let's go to the cabin. Just you and me." Tommy had a cabin, a few hours away up north resting on Hudson's Bay. He and his family go up for a few weeks every summer. "The cabin? Will your parent's even let us?" I asked. I loved their cabin. It wasn't totally cut off from civilization, but was enough to make you really feel small. "Yeah, I already talked to them about it, and what with everything that's going on, they thought it was a fantastic idea." He smiled at me. A weekend getaway sounded fantastic, I just hoped that I wouldn't ruin it.



Universally Unfair, and Unaware
         The day's seemed to pass on slowly. Thursday night, the night before Tommy and I were leaving Maddie joined my fractured family for dinner. Gramma made chicken macaroni and cheese, my personal favourite, but even I seem to have lost the taste for it.
"How was work today Miranda?" asked Gramma.
"Just fine, Mom." Mom mumbled, staring down at her plate. Everyone noticed that she was having a particularly bad evening, so no one pressured her to speak more.
Gramma, shying away from Mom, turned to Dad, "And you Damon?"
"Oh Priscilla, you know, the usual office bureaucracy. Nothing new."
A look of defeat crossed my grandmother's face. Next, she turned to Maddie and I, who had stayed silent during the lacking conversation. "How are you dear?" She said in our general direction. Noticing my lack of interest, Maddie answered. "I'm great. I'm gearing up to take my entrance exams to college." Thankful for the conversation, Gramma engaged. "Where do you want to go deary?" Maddie carried on, "I'm thinking King's. It's not too far, but not exactly in the back yard either. Plus, they have a fantastic animal biology class." Maddie was one of the smartest people I knew, and she wanted to take her academics and love of animals and be a veterinarian. She tried to talk me into it when we were younger, but I just don't have the stomach for it. Obviously.
"Well isn't that nice dear. How's your gentleman caller?" she asked Maddie. Maddie and a boy named Grant were the on-again off-again couple of our year at school. They were obviously meant to be, but they were both so stubborn, they couldn't see what was right in front of them. "Grant's fine. He's doing a lot of training for lacrosse." Maddie and Gramma continued to talk about her life, and the going's on at school. It was clear no one was listening, but it was nice to actually hear people talking at the table for once.
After about twenty-five minutes of picking away at our food, everyone started excusing themselves. Mom first, and Gramma last. Maddie and I escaped up to my room, turned on the radio, and closed the door. As if that'll keep the truth away.
"So, a romantic weekend getaway huh?" Maddie said, as she sprawled out on top of the covers of my bed.
"Yep, just me, and him, and the outdoors." I retorted.
"Think that'll help?" Maddie was clearly worried. Ever since Lucie, I know it's been almost unbearable for her to see me like this. Just for her, huh?
"So, Grant?" I said to quickly change the subject. I wasn't in the mood for my best friend to turn into a psychiatrist.
"I know what you're doing, Missy. And like I told Grammie, he's really focused on lacrosse." I shook my head. She was so blind sometimes.
"Have you talked lately?" I said. "Of course we have!" she smiled.
"I meant with words, Maddie." I eyed her. Her and Grant were notorious for speaking without words more than anything. "I object to that statement! But since you asked, there's been some of that too." We giggled. She was a special kind of something, that's for sure.