Lesson 2 Directors Points

Hi Judith!

Here we are at the end of our first “real” lesson. Excellent job of recognizing the POV in your favorite novel and understanding why it falls into the Third Person Omniscient POV. Third person omniscient used in a short piece is cumbersome. It is a strong tool working with a novel though, and can – if used right – deepen the impact of the story and draw your readers deeper into the story.

You did a good job on you POV exercise. You have a clear understanding of what differentiates the different Points of View. Although, you actually wrote your Third Person Omniscient POV vignette in Third Person Limited. I can see what you were aiming at. When you wrote Melanie’s feelings she whispered them and Jan could have heard them—Jan “experienced and understood” Melanie’s feelings, because she heard Melanie speaking about them. If you had written that Melanie thought those things instead of whispering them, then you would have written Third Person Omniscient POV, because Jan could not know what Melanie was thinking. Do you understand the differences here?

You have a nice start on your POV Writing Assignment. The scene flows fairly well and you painted a clear picture of what your characters are seeing and doing. You do have several problems in this piece. First of all, you are jumping between two points of view; First Person and Third Person Limited. When you use the pronoun, we, in the narrative portion of your prose you are writing in First Person POV. When writing Third Person Limited POV, first person pronouns may be used in your dialogue but nowhere else in the writing. Note your first two paragraphs below. I marked the First Person use of we in red.

Thinking to avoid the afternoon traffic, we finished chores early Friday morning, jumped in the car, and charged off to DL& A Mall. The sign at the entry to DL & A Mall (Dolly Land and All Mall) said, “We are open for all your needs 24 Hours a day.” It was Megan’s idea to arrive at DL&A early to avoid traffic.

There was a winter storm moving in. We had decided to stock up on snacks and groceries before it hit. It was 8 a.m. when we arrived. Lynn could not believe it. The parking lot was stuffed full of cars. Most of the parking spots were full. Driving around the lot to find a parking spot irritated Megan. Finally, settled into a spot, we exited the Renegade.

When you write in Third Person POV you narrator is an outside observer. He is speaking about someone else and is not (usually) personally involved in the action. In the except above everywhere you see a red we, the word should be they.

Secondly, you also wrote a large portion of this excerpt with passive verbs. While some of your sentences are written with action verbs they are much weaker than they should be. Using weak and passive verbs make your scene less intense and they distance your reader from your characters and their actions and feelings.

We will go into this in detail in Lesson Six, for now though the first step to getting rid of passive verbs is to be on the lookout for any usage of being verbs. Any time you see is, am, was, were, etc, you are using a passive verb phrases. This is also true for the helping verbs like should, would, could and so forth. You want to begin working on replacing them with strong action verbs.

Let’s take a second look at opening passage from your story, so you can see what I mean. Each passive verb and helping verb in your excerpt is marked in blue.

Thinking to avoid the afternoon traffic, we finished chores early Friday morning, jumped in the car, and charged off to DL& A Mall. The sign at the entry to DL & A Mall (Dolly Land and All Mall) said, “We are open for all your needs 24 Hours a day.” It was Megan’s idea to arrive at DL&A early to avoid traffic.

There was a winter storm moving in. We had decided to stock up on snacks and groceries before it hit. It was 8 a.m. when we arrived. Lynn could not believe it. The parking lot was stuffed full of cars. Most of the parking spots were full. Driving around the lot to find a parking spot irritated Megan. Finally, settled into a spot we exited the Renegade. .

Here’s it how it might be written using action verbs and showing the scene rather than telling it.

Lynn glanced over at Megan. ”Storm’s coming.” The TV muttered in the background.

“We need to stock up on groceries, before it hits.” Megan sighed and downed the rest of her coffee. ”Afternoon traffic’s gonna be nasty! Let’s head out to the DL & A Mall this morning.”

They scurried around and finished their Friday chores in record time. Bundled up against the coming blizzard the two young women jumped in the car and roared down the road. At the approach to the mall the entry sign boasted “We are open for all your needs 24 Hours a day.”

“Cripes! Will you look at that?” Lynn gaped at the stuffed parking lot. Cars crept up and down every aisle. “It’s not even 8 AM, and this place is jam packed!”

As they inched along the clogged aisles, Megan gritted her teeth and smacked the steering wheel. “This is nuts!” She slammed on the breaks when an SUV backed out in front of her. Her tires screeched and skidded. The instant the space cleared she whipped the Renegade into the empty spot.

“Finally!” They flung the doors open and tumbled out.

Do you see the difference between the two excerpts? In the first you are telling your reader what you want him to know. In the second, the reader is dropped into the middle of the scene and allowed to feel the frustration of the packed parking lot right along with your characters. This is what you want to be working toward as you polish and rewrite your scenes and chapters.

Lastly, be sure you always proof and polish your assignment and exercises before you turn them in. There are numerous places in your writing assignment that have missing or incorrect punctuation and capitalization. You wouldn’t submit a piece filled with grammar and spelling mistakes, or with inconsistencies in plot, setting, characters, or conclusion to a magazine or book publisher for consideration. Please use that same level of care and craftsmanship when preparing your class assignments.

Overall, Judith, you are off to a great start on your story for our course. I can see all sorts of possibilities for what might happen after the two women drive out of that clogged lot and into the jaws of the storm.

You did a good job on your Lesson Two work.

Happy Writing! *Cat*

Ms. Katz >^. .^<