Reflected

A psychology trip - seems harmless, doesn't it? The teachers said that too. "A vital learning experience" is what they called it. The trip wasn't even optional. Little did they know that everyone on that trip would soon need deep emotional therapy.

The trip was to a lab, the one where they were making extreme psychological advances. They could record and visually see people's dreams, they could see memories, and they could see character. We weren't students on a fun educational trip, we were lab rats, waiting to be tested on.

They didn't tell us what we were doing, they just kept us in a line and let us go into the room one by one, with roughly 5 minute gaps. I waited patiently, attempting to calm my nerves in silence. One girl burst into tears, and was soon escorted out of the waiting room. My friends and I laughed nervously together, pretending to treat it as some big joke but we all knew we were terrified. Finally, the called my name, and I hesitantly went inside.

My expectations could not have been more wrong. I was expecting desks scattered with research and piled with papers, but the room was mostly empty. It was painted a pristine white with a flawless white floor, immediately making me uneasy. The room was large, filled with nothing except a circle of large mirrors. I stepped inside the circle, seeing myself in 12 mirrors around me. I was confused, until it happened.

I looked into one of the mirrors, meeting my eyes with the reflection. The reflection disappeared, and I watched a scene from a few weeks ago, a memory stored in my mind. I was helping an old man that I had met on the street carry groceries to his house, because they were too heavy for him. The word 'kind' appeared at the bottom of the mirror, and I smiled. A character test, I decided, and turned around.

The mirror I now faced showed me at dinner with my family, and I was scolding my younger sister for taking the last piece of pie. I swallowed. The word 'selfish' appeared, and I bit back tears. Was I selfish? I had helped that man carry groceries, that was selfless, wasn't it? How could I be selfish? I reluctantly turned to another mirror, which flashed with another memory and presented the word 'self-absorbed'. Another mirror accused me of being 'cowardly', but another showed me to be 'smart'. 'Funny'. 'Attention-seeking'. 'Moody'. 'Arrogant'. 'Careless'. I spun in circles, my mind bursting with pain. I had never realised.

Was this how others saw me? A scared, selfish fool that only thought about himself but was sometimes kind? Someone who didn't care about anything, but could make witty joke? Someone who thrived on attention and would push people out of the spotlight so he could claim it himself? Is that how my friends saw me? My teachers? My parents?

I felt my heart sink into a large abyss, realising I was an utterly terrible person. How could I be awful, without being aware of it?

I ran out of the room, tears streaming down my face. When I got home, I went straight up to my room without uttering a word to anyone. I thought I was different. I had convinced myself I was a good person, loved and admired. But I wasn't.

It's the most terrible thing in the world, to realise you're a monster when you think you're an angel.