These F@(king Flies

“These fucking flies!” I screamed as I flailed my arms around like a maniacal inflatable man that you see out the front of a used car lot. Instead of the big cheesy grin my mouth was a distorted mess full of what had become the bane of my existence.
Bush flies.
My workmates were laughing hysterically at my misfortune as I was trying to cough up a few of the dedicated bastards that had flown down the back of my throat. The persistence of these tiny devils had enraged the inner beast, so I let out a hellacious cry of frustration into the dry, blue desert sky.
My workmates stopped laughing immediately and looked on in stunned silence.

Most of the time I was a pretty cool and collected character, I wouldn’t let a lot of things get me so upset. But something about these god damn insects really got my blood boiling that day. I ran away from the work crew with my arms still waving wildly around my face.
Which was obviously futile.

We were sent out to this barren red land in the middle of nowhere to fix some power-lines after a transformer had exploded. Our current location was on top of one in a series of hills made up mostly of jagged red rocks and a few rough spinifex shrubs thrown in for good measure. The heat was blistering and that only meant one thing out here.
Fucking flies!

I'd had enough, I had to get away from my workmates and let out some steam. Carefully navigating the large and small jagged rocks all the while swiping at my face constantly I made my way out into an endless nothingness. I didn’t know where I was going or why I was going there. I guess somewhere deep in my subconscious mind I thought if I kept moving eventually I could outrun this flying army of death angels.

(FUCK!)

a thought suddenly came to me. (oh shit.) I could feel a bowel movement coming on and I was miles away from a toilet and I had no toilet paper. I looked around and could no longer see the work-site or any of my workmates. That was good because this (Fuck off you fucking...) could be embarrassing and those guys would never let me forget it. I figured if I could find a (Whore cunt bag...) bush close by with some nice big soft leaves that it shouldn’t be too irritating on my poor ass. Unfortunately the only plants in site were covered in spinifex. Shove some of that up your ass and I have no doubt you wouldn’t be able to sit down for the rest of your days. It would no doubt leave more of a mess than it removed.
(I swear to god I will...)
There was only one thing for it. I looked around and found a nice big boulder (kill every last one of you.) that would provide me with enough shade and something to lean against.
(I think I'm gonna fucking lose it here man!)
I unzipped my pants and took them off, resting them on top of the boulder. I could already feel the flies tickling my upper thighs which caused me to twitch my head uncontrollably. When I took off my underwear they dive bombed right for my junk and that was it!
(AAAAAAAAGH!)
'You fucking animals' I screamed in distress 'why cant you just leave me the fuck alone!?'
I was jumping up and down whipping my purple jockies through the air and acting like a complete nut case. I was attempting to kick into hordes of them but was connecting with nothing.
'Why wont you just die!'
I swung my leg up to try again but somehow lost my footing. I managed to fall onto my side without hurting my back but my elbow smashed into a rock with a sickening crunch.
This only seemed to aggravate me further, I started swinging my fists into the clouds of black, each time wincing from the pain of my shattered elbow. That no longer mattered now, I was a man on a mission.

Hunt and destroy every last fucking one of them.

Suddenly my foot caught on a tough root in the ground and my body was flung forward, I failed to notice the steep decline of the hill I was now stumbling down, my elbow was screaming in absolute agony. As I came to the end of my fall my head was split open on a sharp boulder that brought me to an instant stop.
As I lay there with a face full of blood and broken teeth the flies had a new reason to love me even more. They swooped into my mouth happily gorging on the feast of blood and flesh before them. It was a marriage made in heaven. Me, dead in the middle of nowhere with no pats and faeces smeared all over my legs and my face being devoured by these fucking flies.


The End.