Macho Man Randy Savage Visits Purgatory

Author's note: I do not watch wrestling, I have never been a fan of wrestling, and I have no idea what Macho Man is/was like. This may not be canon for him at all. Just go with it, ok?



                             

                             Macho Man randy savage experiences purgatory

By NINA STONE

Macklemore ain't got nothin' on Macho Man Randy Savage's fringe game, hell no.



Macho Man Randy Savage wears the bicycle tassels of a little girl on his jacket and makes it macho and manly, but alas, Macho Man Randy Savage has no more sparkle fringe to share with the world.



Macho Man Randy Savage can hold his ale, but this time Macho Man Randy Savage drank enough to get Andre the Giant tipsy, and ended up in a pub brawl with a troll who happened to be the familiar of a particularly ill-tempered wizard. Macho Man Randy Savage thinks he mighta been queer or somethin' because he kept fussin' over his robes like they was the holy grail when Macho Man Randy Savage threw him in the ashy hearth at the back of the pub. Since the floor is made o' dirt that scuffed up his high heel boots pretty bad. And who understands a man's love for his sparkly tassel jacket better than a gay feller? Well, this wizard guy was right pissed off about his dress and shoes after Macho Man Randy Savage got too drunk and kicked his ass for letting his troll sass me, and he sent some kinda queer fireball at me what burnt up all the tassels on my jacket. Now Macho Man Randy Savage hasn't got any tassels on his jacket to make him look extra like a giant parade bus, but he does have a hole in his heart where the tassels used to be.

         You see, Macho Man Randy Savage is fairly certain you cain't buy any goddamn tassels in Middle Earth no matter how intimidating he is. He--"



"Good sir, I am quite saddened by your plight and I see that you are distraught but the troll of which you speak and his wizard are still tearing this pub down around mine elven ears and I haven't paid the tax collector the quarter's Fantasy Pub With Wizards and Shit tarrif yet, so I must insist that we halt this conversation long enough to assess the situation and attempt to soften the blow."



The wispy elf man stood about a half a head shorter than Macho Man, and his ears stuck up in points from his banana-white hair. Macho Man thought this guy might be a queer too, but the gay elf was right; there was still an issue in the pub and the gay wizard was blasting hexes at all the dwarves, halflings, orcs and hobbits just trying to enjoy their ale. Ever since Macho Man Randy Savage had met his demise on the day the fundamentalists had predicted the Rapture, he'd seen just how wrong those freaks were about the afterlife, religion, and literally everything else.



When Macho Man had next opened his eyes, he found himself in a strange village which seemed straight out of one of those nerd Hobbit movies about them elves and shit. Macho Man was pretty sure this wasn't heaven, but he didn't think it was miserable enough to be hell either. Macho Man had decided that this was purgatory when he realized that he got stronger every time he defeated any sort of villainous type. When he had thwarted that ill-tempered orc from raping that Dwarf gal with the beard, he grew an inch and a half and his sunglasses suddenly deflected the sunâs glare in such a way as to burn things if he willed it. When he had thumped that pirate on his head with a closed fist and knocked him out before he could run a sword through a fish merchant, he mysteriously found himself able to read people's thoughts, but only when they were thinking about food, toilet humor, or if they were about to fart and they were trying to do it silently or in such a way that it would not be obvious who the culprit might be.



Macho Man Randy Savage had briefly wondered, from time to time, what exactly he would have to do to gain a new power or ability that would actually matter or be of any use at all, but he typically did not have much time to dwell on such things as there was a seemingly endless supply of mead, ale and lager, and an endless number of inns, taverns and pubs along an endless number of cobblestone roads and dirt paths that wound this way and that through an endless and bountiful land. Also elf chicks.



But here in this pub Macho Man Randy Savage saw that perhaps he was being too judgmental of the strange characters he met. He looked down at the elf man in front of him, deep concern for his livelihood and mounting panic behind his grey eyes, and saw that he wore a wedding band around his finger and a female elf was indeed hovering in the background looking harried and upset. Maybe elves were just effeminate and this feller was not necessarily gay after all and even if he was, why does it matter? This had been the best ale Macho Man had tasted since he'd woken up in what he was now mentally referring to as Crazy Nowhere Beer and Cheese Land, and the food had been the least worst as well. Macho Man was beginning to feel guilty for getting too slammed and fighting a troll and a wizard who also might just be stylish and not gay and so what if he was his robes were probably expensive and he had a right to be concerned over them.

         Macho Man Randy Savage was growing up. His thoughts still formed in run-on sentences and half-formed fragments of nonsense, but emotionally, he was beginning to mature.



"STAAAAAAAHHHHP!" Macho Man filled his giant hairy lungs with air and bellowed over the din of curses and crashing flatware. The room froze and looked at him with bewilderment. Macho Man realized he must seem very bright and strange to these people (? Are they people?) and his heart softened three units that day.



"Weird humanoid fellers here today, Macho Man Randy Savage wants to apologize for gettin' too drunk on this delicious ale and lettin' his temper get the best of 'im. Macho Man Randy Savage ain't such a bad guy as you must all think. Gay wizard guy," he said, turning to address the horned man in the shimmering black floor-length gown and high heeled boots, "Macho Man's sorry he roughed up your troll or whatever. And if you like to have weird buttsex with dudes why that ain't none of Macho Man's business and it ain't hurtin' nobody. Macho Man Randy Savage just gotta ask you to simmer down now and maybe stop tearin' the shit outta this elf dude's fine dirt establishment. Please," implored the Macho Man to the sorcerer, âlet Macho Man Randy Savage buy you a beer ânâ we can work out a way to help these folks fix their furniture 'n' shit and maybe you can tell Macho Man what it's like to be a wizard feller! But Macho Man Randy Savage only goes for the gals," he added ironically through gold glitter sunglasses and standing there in lime green spandex, "so this is just a platonic type drink."



The sorcerer, or wizard, or drag queen, or whatever he was we're still not sure, seemed to contemplate the Macho Man's words with concerned sincerity, though he kept his wand raised and pointed at the Dwarf who'd been gnawing on his troll's arm and now stood frozen, mouth open but not yet biting the troll who simply stood there unfazed by the tiny dwarven man.



"Okay, roll to see what the wizard does."

"Wait, I gotta take a leak."

"Yeah, I"m gonna go outside and have a smoke."

"You know what I'm just gonna run down to the gas station and grab some snacks. You want a soda or something?"



Jason, the Dungeon Master, looked at his asshole friends and sighed. "You know what, this is totally ridiculous anyway. Just get the fuck out of my apartment. You are all dicknosed pricks. See you next Saturday."







Fin