The Greatest Secret Of The Universe

I have something you want, but you can't have it. It's a secret. I might tell you, maybe. Well, probably not, but we'll see.

It's the most amazing and thought provoking secret. I've never heard one like it, ever! Never in all of my two hundred and thirty six years of being in existence. Did you notice how I said 'being in existence' instead of 'here' or 'on Earth'? That is because I don't know where 'here' is and I'm definitely not on Earth, that's for sure. Although, you're probably on Earth, a spinning ball of rock and iron whizzing round a giant fiery ball of gas. I get dizzy just thinking about it.

Anyway, back to the secret, the dreaded secret that everyone wants to know. Some people believe that they don't want to, the impudence! Inside their brain a nagging voice tells them that they really do want to know. That's me, I am the nagging voice inside their head, in fact, I'm in everyone's head, simultaneously. It's quite a talent.

Your husband wants to know, your kids want to know, so does that annoying teacher you had in S1 and that one cashier you're always trying to get. The Prime Minister and The President, they both want to know too. Your grandchildren and great-grandchildren, they will want to know. Like I said; everyone wants to know the secret.

All of your ancestors have died not knowing. You might be the first of your species to know the greatest secret of the universe. Or you might be left in the dark, just like everybody before you.

And by the way, threats don't work. You wouldn't believe how many times I've been threatened and cursed. Of course, it's never worked. I mean, I'm still here aren't I? You humans are very good at threatening things that you can't see. Someone, a woman, I think, once said she would cut out my tongue. I just laughed, how can you remove something that's not there? It's impossible!

Most people have tried to guess the secret, and boy have I had some ridiculous suggestions in my time. The secret to unbake a cake? How to find a four leaf clover? How to stay slim? How to train your husband? You're so greedy, everything has to be about you, doesn’t it?

I do know the answers to those questions though. You can't unbake a cake. To find a four leaf clover you have to be patient and search for hours. As for staying slim you need to keep a varied diet and exercise often. Now, your husband is a human just like you and unless he's peeing and making a mess of your carpet, you don't need to train him.

Oh, and don't start thinking that you're special because you're not. I've said this to everyone you know and everyone you don't know, even that one man that nobody knows. I like him, he came the closest to guessing the secret. He is a hired assassin, he's paid to kill, his targets didn't know his true identity, even his employers don't know. He's constantly changing his appearance, his features, the way he talks and walks. A tall man with dark skin and nicotine stained teeth one week, then a drummer in a rock band or a Chinese pirate off to dispose of the Sultan. That was one hair raising adventure, a tale for another time.

You're probably wondering why I'm still pestering you, why is it that I've never told anyone the secret? You see, you've come into a new age, a new era filled with technology and machines to do your work for you. I'm telling you about the secret without revealing it because your species has become so reliant on technology, that it's becoming unhealthy. If I asked you what is seven thousand nine hundred and one plus six thousand eight hundred and forty two? Your first reaction would be to pick up a calculator. Don't bother, the answer is fourteen thousand seven hundred and forty three. By telling you about something nobody knows, I'm making you think. What's the one thing everybody wants to know? Then, how do you get it? Come on, think, use that dusty old brain of yours.

No, no eureka moment, no cha- ching, no light bulb above your head. I had high hopes for you, oh well. I've come to my decision. You try your best, you've got good morals, well, apart from that time... you know what, that's probably best left unsaid. I like you, so, I've come to the conclusion that you, an average person, deserves to know the secret. So, I'm going to tell you. Wait, this is the first time it has ever been said, what if it's not dramatic enough, what if it's too dramatic. I might have chosen the wrong person to tell. I should wait another two hundred years. Yeah, yeah I should.

No, did you really believe that I'd wait two whole centuries just to tell you. Ha ha, you humans are so gullible.

Anyway, back to the secret. You, you are the greatest secret of the universe. You, collectively, as a race, as a species, as humans. You and your space landings on the moon and your deep dark ocean lagoons. You are the secret, the secret everyone wants to know. Tell your friends, tell your neighbours, tell your kids. Just never shout it, only whisper, like a giant game of Chinese whispers on a global scale. Spread the word. Over and out.