Everyone poops

I am playing with my dollies
And my princess pram all pink
I'm nearly 5
A big girl now
No more nappies
Or plastic pants
I think

I outgrew the potty
When I was only three
My mum says it's because I am brave
Now I go to the toilet all by myself
But today my bum didn't behave

My tummy was hurting
Making squidgy noises too
Blowing bubbles inside
I needed the loo
But it was too far away
I felt it coming
I knew I was going to poo

I couldn't stop it
It was runny and wet
Dribbling down my legs
Err smelly poo
I stood on the floor
I shouted for mummy
But she’d already smelt it
She knew

Mummy came in
Said “Oh deary me”
“Did we have an accident?” She asks
I look down
“Only me” I reply
My legs were horribly brown

I started to cry
Mummy hugs me and says
“Everyone poops you know
Even the Queen
Let’s get you in the bath
Fresh new pyjamas
You’ll feel as good as new
Sparkling, fresh and poop free”

Fifteen years on
My first date a disaster
Oh yes, all thanks to my bum
I should have known better
A bad idea it transpired
A curry
The night before
With my mum

That morning I woke up
I knew I was in trouble
When I felt my feverish brow
My belly was bubbling
Making squidgy noises as before
I was really in turmoil now

This isn’t good news
I feel awful and sick
My intestines are angry and raw
Rebelling and furious
They are plotting their revenge
For the curry I'd had the night before

But I’m a big girl now
So my mum says
The rumblings I chose to ignore
Brave or stupid
Feeling nervous and scared
I walk nervously out of the door

I shuffle into the restaurant
A penguin walking on ice
My bum cheeks squeezed together
I smile, he looks really nice
Actually if I’m totally honest
It was a bit more like a wince
But I was too scared to move
Too scared to breathe
It was all I could manage
I was convinced

I resist the urge to pass wind
My bum and I are at war
Anxious to avoid a lethal escape
I feel the bubbling’s I remembered from before

I excuse myself from the table
Plead silently for my bum to behave
Walking penguin style
Across a crowded restaurant
I can do this
I am brave

I find my sanctuary
In the form of a loo
Sitting down I feel surges of pain
Squelching noises galore
Sweating buckets I'm sure
My modesty I hope to retain

With my elbows on my knees
I push just a little
My bum explodes
I am shocked
Poop expels from my body
A 100 miles an hour at least
Making a terrible sound as it plopped

The smell is intense
I want to cry
Poop has ricocheted off the bowl
Splattered all over my bum
I've formed a seal around the seat
This is a nightmare
I have no control

As I stand up the seat sticks to my bum
I unpeeled myself off
It crashes down to the bowl
I clean up
Feel a bit better
But into bed I want to roll

I flush the smell away
And I hope the disgrace
I look in the mirror and gasp
I look like a zombie
A lovely first date
Was that really too much to ask?

Leaving the ladies
I return to my date
He is still there
What do I tell him?
My secret was mine to keep
Is honesty the best policy here?
What lie can I use?
But I take a deep breath and I speak

“I'm fine, thanks for waiting
I had a dodgy curry last night”
He laughs and I felt silly
Who talks about poop on a first date?
He smiles
He says “Hey don’t be embarrassed
Everyone poops, I relate!”

Shall we go somewhere else instead? He asks
“Like a public toilet?" I joke
He laughs as he takes my hand
He is cute
I really like him
He is gorgeous
He seems to understand

He walked me home
Hmm no
It was actually more of a crawl
But a kiss on the doorstep
And another date next week
Maybe this wasn't a disaster after all

Seventy years on
I am living in a home
I married my first date
We had a family of our own
Wed sixty glorious years
He passed away last year
Now I'm back in nappies again
Oh what a cheer

Yesterday was my birthday
I am ninety years old and a day
I had a naughty curry last night
And I think I'm in trouble today
My tired old organs
Don’t work like they did before
My skin is all crinkled
My intestines are like straws

The nurse comes in to change me
Nappy filled with poop galore
She smiles
Says “Don’t worry my love
Everyone poops"
She's seen it all I'm sure

I smile as I remember
Those very same words spoken
To me when I was four
By my dear old mum
In the bathroom
In our house
So many years before