nightmares will be the end of me

         

Tuesday 7th October 2014

         Got woken up being screamed and shaken at yet again at 3A.M          this morning, apparently I was screaming, sounding like I was being          murdered or something. I swear that these dreams will cost me my          sanity. I know they are just dreams but they seem so real. It was          the same dream I have been having for years but they are becoming          more frequent and feeling more real like they are a memory, but not          my own. It's hard to explain but usually when I wake up after a          few minutes I forget about it but lately even when I forget what's          it's about I still feel all the emotions I dreamt about but this          time, it was different. I remember, I remember the start, the middle          but not the end. Well at least I don't think I remember. I am not          sure, I am feeling very confused
I feel like I          shouldn't write it down or something and that I shouldn't talk          about it. Don't know why. I feel like it might make it real or          something or that someone will read this and... I don't know... I          am making no sense at all... Not even to myself... I am so          confused... It's like something is interfering with my thought          process or something, so that I cannot think straight... Maybe I am          just paranoid or something... Yeah! That's it! That's all it          is... I hope
Oh god am babbling again even while I          write. Maybe it's just nerves. Yeah that's it, it's nerves          about next week. Truth be told I don't want to go but my dad said          it will be good for me and that it's a new adventure and that I          should try new things more.
Try new things, pfft          that's a laugh I have a panic attack when he gets the wrong          toothpaste, I freak out if there is a loose thread on my clothing or          anything of mine. Yeah I know I need professional help and I have          been to many but they all just say it's in my head and I say duh          that's why am here then comes the pills that I refuse to take          since that experience a few years ago.
The one when          after a week on meds I had nightmare so bad I couldn't stop crying          for weeks and ended up suicidal. Ok confession time I have always          had suicidal thought but never acted on it till I was on those meds.          A few things have happened between me and a few doctors so right now          I refuse to see any kind of doctor I don't trust them at all I          don't care what kind of doctor they are they come near me and I          will scream and take a chunk out of them with my teeth or what's          left of my nails.
Oh god 9 days to go till I go in          a metal thing that defies gravity and flies God knows how many miles          to New York then another to California. He still says no to my          request no matter how much I beg he refuses to leave me behind or to          move to Russia or Alaska instead.
Doesn't he          remember me and the sun don't mix and that I can't stand          temperatures above 15 degrees Celsius and he expects me to live in          some place I haven't heard of in California. I ask why everyday          but he just says it will be good for me he ignores my replied when I          tell him "yeah good for me like death is good for a teenagers self          esteem"
Oh crap I have forgotten the dream now.          Maybe that's a good thing I am doubting everything more than usual          these days I dunno why maybe it's because I have a bad feeling          about leaving and going over 'There' I am sure he is just doing          this to get away from his ex, talk about clingy that lass really          needs to get a back bone and an education I have only had one or two          boyfriends, ok maybe a little bit more than that but even I know          that guys, like us sometimes need space and doesn't want you all          over them every second of everyday for years that is just down right          desperate.
Maybe her 'clock' is ticking and she          thought that my dad was the best way to get what she wanted and          tried but I can happily say failed miserably. Oh god does that make          me sound cruel? No offence to the 'Ginger Nut' but I didn't          want her as my step mother and I sure as hell don't want a          'sibling'
Oh, um gotta go Mrs Matthers has          caught me writing again and I am sure she will read it in front of          the class again. She has no respect for anyone or anything.
         ~~~
         Well that's me in detention again, I don't see the          point in this, I really don't. I got in trouble for writing while          I was meant to be watching a film. Even after I explained I have          seen the film like a hundred time and that I have the book the dvd          and the blue ray and could recite it at will she didn't believe me          then she asked me to say a quote from the scene where the boy was          found and when I said the entire scene word for word she just got          angry and slammed the ruler on to her desk making everyone flinch.          
I don't think it helped when I said "I thought          we weren't allowed to be writing when the film was on yet you were          writing and it wasn't marking. Looks like a shopping list to me"          then as I turned to sit back down all I heard was heave foot steps          behind me before I knew my stuff was removed from the desk my bag          was gone and my name was screamed by her as she angrily shouted in          my face to get out. Oh I definitely know that what I said next          didn't help me the slightest I said "say it don't spray it!"          I never seen some go that red before I thought she was going to          explode.
The whole class sat in silence no one even          dared to breath or blink to loudly as I walked past them and out the          door.
I don't know what came over me. I am          usually the good girl that does what she is told to do and does what          is expected even without being told. Put the past several weeks          since the dreams started to become more frequent I seemed to have          lost the filter that I usually have when speaking to anyone and the          filter that I put my thoughts through its like something is switched          off or broken or something, but it does feel good to let go of some          anger that I didn't realise I had.
I am meant be          be copying the school rules this now but I have a few copies in my          bag that I will swap over when the hour is up. I don't see the          point in going to school anyway. It's my sixteenth in 5 days and          am out of here and I will rather go to college or get a job that I          can learn from scratch an work my way up. Instead of sitting in a          class learning nothing and getting detention and copying the school          rules. It's all a waste of time, energy, money and effort.
Yeah,          yeah, yeah I know I am lucky to live in a country that has a decent          education system and a father that pays for it too because he cares          but I think he is over compensating. I really do, he thinks that          money can fix anything, and I mean anything. A chipped bone he          bought me a wheelchair because he knew I couldn't handle the          crutches with my fear of falling he never even made me try. I broke          up with my first boy friend he bought me a large fridge freezer for          my room and stalked it up on ever flavour of Ben and Jerrys and          Hagendaz that he could find and ice lollies and ice poles and          everything else that I liked and could eat strait out the freezer he          bought be about 60 boxes of tissues plus 10 eight packs of pocket          tissues and a fridge full of juice, chocolate and milk to make my          milkshakes with. Even though I broke up with him because I didn't          feel that way about him and was opposite from being upset, I was          actually relieved.
Don't get me started when I          first got my period, that's just too awkward to think about... Too          cringe worthy.
I think he wants to try and make up          for the fact that I didn't have a mother growing up with or a          female role model to talk to and that he was always working to          provide for me and to give me what he never had growing up and the          fact that he works so much that we are lucky if we see each other at          all for months on end and that I hat to practically raise myself          from the age of four.
Don't get me wrong I am not          saying he is a bad father he is just... Absent... And way too          reliant on money. Hence the new job that pays three hundred pounds          more than this one and comes with a house and flat and company car          with the fuel paid for every weekday and a place for me in their          private school for their employees children and it's less hours so          we would see each other more apparently. I will believe that when I          see it!
To me this sounds too good to be true, and          it probably is we just don't know the score yet, I can't even          seem to think of what the catch might be its a 4 year contact and if          his contract doesn't get renewed he gets a large amount of money          to last him till he finds another job and place to stay but I still          get to go to university, not that I am planing on going to          university... Just saying the word makes me want to gag. They are          full of snobs that would do anything to look like the "IT"          crowed.
Well that's detention nearly over and          looks like am getting the Evils from the so called teacher again.          Did she really get qualified to be a teacher? Just saying, I mean I          have learnt more about history watching TV and reading a book or two          than what she has taught anyone., but no one dare say anything          because she is a bit mental. She once shouted at a first year on          their first day for sneezing too loudly. The first year broke down          crying and peed themselves. No one dare stand up to her... Maybe am          only doing it because it's my last week here and I won't see her          again so basically it's talk back and run and hide. Haha          
         ~~~
         I got home some time after 5P.M. I felt so exhausted I          thought I would fall asleep while feeding the strays. Gotta keep          your wits with ya feeding the strays some are just so mean and will          attack with no warning. I feed them cause it might not be their          fault that they are homeless and even if it is they deserve better.          Oh god what will happen to them when I leave... Maybe I can get          someone else to do it? Or maybe if I can catch them I can get them          into SSPCA with a donation to cover the costs of flea and tick          treatment and maybe get them fixed and stuff with the costs of their          food am sure they can help. Can't they? Should go and research          that... Maybe after a nap or after some food, yummmmmm,          fooooooood.
Yeah so nap then food then research          while eating packing can wait. Yey am sorted for the night and maybe          tomorrow too woohoo. Ok I am getting to over enthusiastic about this          I hope they find them good homes I will send them money every month          from where ever I end up.
He left another 3          voicemails again...
"Hi, sweetie sorry          change of plans if you need a hand with your homework call me or          FaceTime me am here but I can't leave the building there is          another leak, yet again anyway I know you will be ok but remember          daddy loves you see you soon. Sorry I know you are a little old for          that I just sometimes forget how grown up you are but you will          always be my little special girl"
"Oh I almost forgot          there is veggie surprise in the freezer if you want it it only takes          a few mins in the mic... I hope you're ok, because I missed a few          calls the past week from school, should I be worried? Listen to me          ramble it's almost like I think you can't look after yourself          but I know you can. Oh gotta go Mr Bossman is giving me those eyes          he gives when people do something ... Different from what he wants.          Oh remember to pack love ya"
"Hi, just          letting you know that I haven't been abducted by aliens or          anything and that I am busy at work will try and make it back before          you go to bed. Remember to start packing and that we have to go to          the doctors tomorrow afternoon I know I know you are old enough to          go alone but if you don't bite this one or hit them there will be          a surprise for ya dad loves ha there is money in the usual place if          you want to go shopping oh and remember no parties no drugs no          alcohol no piercings and defiantly no tattoos and please no more          horrors before bed we both need a good peaceful nights sleep with          no... Disruptions love ya sweetie"
And that's my          father ladies and gentlemen, pfft like am going to the doctors...          Oooooh I wonder how much is left of the money or if he added to          it... Pooh it back up to three hundred. I am tempted to take some of          it like I usually do and hide it and pretend to of bought something          expensive or a gift for a friends birthday... Little did he know I          had no friends
Saying that I did and pretending to          buy stuff for them meant that the past six years I have managed to          save four thousand pounds. And right now with the mood I am in I fee          like packing up and running away so I don't have to move. Saying          that though... I don't know anything about running away or how to          defend myself or what it's like in the real world I barely go out          when am not at school and I do my shopping online I hate being          around people... I prefer being on my own I don't even know          why.
Oh god why am I still rambling... Anyone that          reads this is going to think that at I am a spoilt rotten selfish          stuck up eejit that needs a reality check and maybe I do. I seem to          be rambling on more than usual though I don't usually write like          this or write this much, wait a minute, thinking about it now I          barely write at all.
Bleh.
Whatever          I think I need to go for a walk clear my head and start saying          goodbye to this city and maybe try and go to Glasgow this weekend to          say goodbye to that city to and make take some pictures of my          favourite places and of the things I will miss...
I          have lived in Aberdeen for a few years now but I still miss Glasgow          everyday like I just left it yesterday. I get too attached to things          I think...
Maybe I will finally find out about my          mother, I don't even remember her name. I don't remember her at          all I don't even have a photo of her, I don't even know where or          if she was buried.