He knew he had to forgive her

He looked down at her, sleeping soundly in his arms and a deep pain nestled in his chest. You can not understand what heartache means until you feel that profound discomfort in the center of your chest. Seeing her so small and vulnerable, so pale, her wispy hair flattened against her head from days of sleeping, wasn't easy. She was such a vibrant and lively girl when they met. He knew he should forgive her, she has no control over this. She is merely a prisoner, slumped over on this black horse of misery. She has no power to guide it toward the light and it effortlessly gallops her deeper into the dark woods. She is at mercy of this darkness, alone in it's shadowy embrace. She invites nobody with her and he can't help to feel so angry at her selfishness. She was used to these trips long before she met him and she chose not to share this experience with him. He fell in love with the promise of a happy future together, totally unaware of the darkness lurking in the background. He wants to leave this room, he wants to walk away and never feel like this again. But leaving means giving up on Maria, She is still there, she is somewhere in his arms and if there is just a small chance that he could see her again he would stay.

He still remember when they met on a plane getting ready to skydive and how she could not contain her excitement before her jump. She was unable to sit still and couldn't decide if she wanted to go first or last. He wanted to know more about her but all she could talk about is free falling. She wanted to free fall till the last minute, and she feared that she will pull her cord too early. She decided to go first and flung herself recklessly out of the plane yelling "I will not pull the cord!" Seconds later she pulled the cord and her parachute opened instantly. She did exactly what she feared she would do and everybody in the plane laughed at the fact that she must be so frustrated at herself. He felt like he knew her and decided to take the second jump. He wanted to catch up with her before she disappeared in the crowd. It was easy to find her, she loudly claimed that her parachute malfunctioned and she charmed her way into a free jump. He was intrigued by her and when he heard she was jumping again, he made the investment and booked himself on the next jump too. They ended up sitting next to each other and he was instantly drawn to her. This time she jumped last and she manage to free fall until the last minute. He waited for her and after packing their chutes, the stayed at the club for a few drinks.

Their connection was easy but unbeknownst to him, their boat was floating on many lies. It wasn't until months after they were married that the first hole appeared. While searching for lip balm he found a small bottle of anti depressants in her purse. It surprised him, but he didn't make much of it. Many people use it and she is happy all the time. a Couple months later she became increasingly moody and then she disappeared for a whole night. He was sick with concern and his mind contoured many horrible scenarios of what happened to her. He called every hospital and every police station. He could not think of any reason that she would do this, they had no fights, there was no economical strains , no family issues. The next morning she walked back into his life and calmly claimed that she had so much work stress and she just needed to clear her mind. He wanted to scream at her and shake her until all his worry disappeared, but she looked so broken and so vulnerable, he didn't want to add to her distress. He only held her and reveled in the fact that she was unharmed. Shortly after that came the first hospitalization, she could simply not get out of bed and he thought she must be sick and took her to the emergency department. It is there that he learned the full extent of her disease, Clinical depression. From family he learned about her many hospitalizations and desperate suicide attempts. The holes in their boat grew bigger and it slowly started to sink, no matter how hard he tried to patch it.

For five years he continued to search and find through the maze of this horrible disease and every time he lost her it took so much longer to find her. Every time she came back she seemed more defeated and little by little she started to give up, until she stopped fighting