I had a beautiful smile

I was beautiful and my eyes would twinkle when I smiled.
Everyone would smile back, and I would hear how my smile would brighten people's day.
I was funny, sarcastic as hell really.
I laughed all the time, found humour in unlikely places.
where no one else did at least.

My kids had a mother who had a light around her almost.
my kids had a mother who was whole.
completely, undoubtedly and absolutely happy with the life she led.

But then, life showed me how not in control of my own destiny I was.
And piece by piece he broke it down.

First, the husband is cheating.
he isn't home and the bed we once never would go to without the other was the place where I would cry alone and cold at night.

Then, my ex and my best friend,
Who I hadn't made time for recently,
He leaves me here in this world alone.
he loved me, he truly loved every aspect of me unconditionally.

And I didn't have the time.

He jumped in front of a train.
I am left here missing him and trying to hold onto every memory I possibly can,
As if I could ever forget him.

Then two months pass and I still cannot believe he is gone.

July 12.... 4am.
the phone rings and I see my parents phone number and in my head I I say I'm not ready for this

My father, who had his body stolen from him
MS robbing him of his independence which I witnessed my entire life.
Who I came to my parents house everyday to care for.
My father who I spent all my time with as a child had done the impossible.

How did he do it?
I will never comprehend it.
he hadn't been able to light his smoke for over a year.
his hands failing him due to contractures.

Somehow he did it that night.
he got the cigarette out of the pack.
found his lighter.
the fan though.... too windy
He pulled the blanket up he told the doctor.
trying to block the wind.

Instead the flames kissed the blanket.
He breathed it in as he screamed

Mom woke up from the couch where she had fallen asleep.

Smoke detectors and screams.

By the time she got to him
dad had put out the fire himself
Mom tried to tell him.

He would never listen to her.
only to me
she called me
told me he had burned himself
I never imagined this
all the ways I would receive this call

Heart attack, choking, never this.

I didn't think it would be as bad as it was.

I came through the front door of my childhood house
It smelled different.

Up the stairs to my parents room..

I saw him.
there was love and fear and wisdom of what this meant.
I saw my rock, my hero.

His face and his hands and chest
had had its skin melted off.
"Dad, you have to go"

To this day his reply haunts me.
one word one simple English word.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah dad"
Yeah... fear, love, calm, disappointment, love.

I helped the paramedic carry hI'm to the stair glide.
I held his legs in place, making sure his knees didn't hit the wall at the corner the way they could.
he looked at me
love
Words he couldn't get out
but his eyes told me anyways.

The smell of burnt skin is stuck in my nose.
post traumatic disorder.

I'm forever living in this moment now.

I'm lost in a land far away, searching for my father's life to have been kinder to him
slipping from far away realm to another seeking him to be standing smiling with me.

But it doesn't come

And one by one the people who live on give up on me.
they see no future anymore
they don't think I can do anything,

So how do I make him proud again.
how do I smile how I used to
how do I shine bright enough for my father to see?

How do I live on and be happy
So he can smile down on me

When I lost the fire in my eyes
and the while inside of me just seems to be growing deeper and stronger with every shitty thing that happens to me?

I want to be the happy mom, the good mom.
I want to be me again.

I'm scared this is impossible
so afraid I will be an eternal disappointment
That I'm failing my kids

That I'm failing everyone
and no one is around to even see me,
If I smiled now who would even be around to notice?