I haven't decided on a title yet

Darkness so thick you can almost feel it is all around me, all I can hear is the wind beating against the side of the house, shaking the loose siding. I wake up to the sound of someone screaming. Realizing that it’s me, I lay back down trying to remember the dream. My fiancé rolls over and wraps me in his arms, telling me everything will be ok, it was just a dream. What he doesn’t know is how real the dream actually was. I slowly start to remember what happened, the feel of unwanted hands all over me, the sound of ripping clothes, the hot, wet, stinging tears, covered cries for help. Then finally, the feelings of guilt and shame after. This time, yes it was a dream. The first time though, it wasn’t. I can’t help but think to myself ‘I wish you would have been there to make it better then.’










I am 13 when I first discover that boys aren’t just gross, some of them are kind of cute. It’s the first day of 7th grade and I can’t wait to see if I have any classes with him. I take the time to do my hair just right, and my Mom finally taught me how to do my makeup. I look at myself in the mirror one last time, then walk off to my bus stop.
I walk into homeroom, and there he is. I walk up and ask if the seats taken. He looks up at me with those big brown eyes, smiles that adorable crooked smile, and says “I was saving it for you.” I melt right there.
“What’s your first hour?” I ask, trying to sound like I really don’t care, but inside I’m praying it’s science.
“Gym, what’s yours?” He answers.
“I’m stuck in science. I heard Hay is kind of a mean teacher. I was hoping you’d be there to make it a little easier.” I reply with a shy smile.
He grabs my schedule off the table and checks to see what classes we have together.
“I’ll make you feel all better third hour if you promise to have lunch with me.” He smiles back at me.
“Deal.” I giggle.
After about two weeks of nonstop flirting and not eating at lunch because he makes me nervous, he stops me in the hall.
“Are you going to your grandma’s after school today?” He inquires.
“I haven’t decided yet. I have a lot of stuff to do at home. Why?” I answer, hoping he wants to hang out later.
“Oh…Well if you decide to, call me. I was hoping we could do something.” He quietly replies.
“I can’t call you without your number.” I smile at him as I answer.
He grabs a paper and pen from his bag and writes it down. I don’t actually look at it until I’m in my next class. Under his number it says ‘Don’t lose it. I really want to hear from you later.’ I can’t stop smiling for the rest of the day. I decide to go to the office right before the last class of the day to call Mom. I’m definitely going to Grandma’s today!
I rush off the bus, almost tripping myself and the person in front of me. As my feet hit the concrete, I yell I’m sorry and run at top speed, straight to Grandma’s kitchen. I rush through my homework and call my best friend, Jess to come over. A girl can’t do her makeup right for the cutest guy in class without her best friend’s help.
Jess and I are locked in the bathroom. The counter is covered in powder and eye shadow. Fluffy brushes and lip glosses are scattered all over. The mirror has four different shades of lipstick kisses on it, and I’m finally ready. She wishes me luck, hands me the phone and walks out the door. My fingers start to shake as I dial his number. I can’t believe I’m actually going to get to hang out with him.
Click… “Hello?” His mom answers. That just makes this even harder.
“Is Ben home?” I squeak into the phone. ‘I sound like a complete idiot! He’s never going to actually show’ I think in my head.
“Yes, he is. Can I ask who’s calling?” She asks.
“This is Katie, from school. He told me to call if I was in town today.” I reply.
“Just a second Hun, let me get him.” She says. I can hear some shuffling, then I hear his mom’s muffled voice and some more shuffling. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, I hear the phone switching hands.
“Katie?” He questions.
“Yea, it’s me.” I shyly reply.
“I’m so glad you called! Are you at your Grandma’s?” He asks.
“Yup. My mom said to come here because she’s working late. I was just bored and thought I’d see if you still wanted to do something.” I hear myself answering, but I can’t believe I’m actually talking to him.
“Can you meet me at the park in a half hour?” He says, inviting me out.
“Umm, which park, the big one by the grocery store or the little one by the elementary?” I clarify.
“The big one. It’s a lot closer.” He answers.
“Sure. See you then.” I exhale into the phone.
“I can’t wait.” He replies and hangs up.
I feel like I’m floating as I walk to the living room. I tell my Grandma I’m going to take a bike ride and that I’ll be back in time for dinner. I go grab my bike and just enjoy the wind in my face for a while before I head to the park. Of course, like a total dork I show up ten minutes early. So I head towards the swings to wait. You can see halfway down the road from there. This way I’ll know when he’s coming, but then I see him walking towards me. I start blushing immediately. He must have really been excited, because he’s early too.
“Hi.” He greets me, and leans in for a hug.
“Hey.” I reply, trying to sound cool as I hug him for the first time.
“So, what do you want to do?” He asks, giving me that adorable smile again.
“I was going to swing until you got here. Want to?” I smile back.
“I was hoping we could go for a walk and talk.” He says. There is a weird look on his face. Almost like he wants to say something, but he’s afraid to. I’m kind of scared.
“As long as we don’t go in the woods. I don’t like going back there.” I answer.
We start walking down the path that leads to the baseball fields in the back of the park. We’re walking so close that our arms keep brushing against each other. I kind of want him to hold my hand so I don’t move away from him. After what feels like ten minutes, I feel his fingers brush against mine. He looks at me for permission and I just smile. The rest of the walk is spent with my hand in his and I’m absolutely glowing. Finally, we come to the bleachers by the field and sit down. I look down at our fingers intertwined on the seat and can’t help but blush.
“I’ve been waiting to do that for a really long time.” Ben whispers, looking down at our hands.
“Me too.” I whisper back with a smile.
“So, I wanted to ask you something earlier, but I don’t want you to freak out ok?” He says.
“I promise I won’t freak out, Ben. You can ask me anything.” I reply, reassuring him.
He takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. Then he looks at me, melting me with those gorgeous brown eyes and says “Will you be my girlfriend?”
I smile at him again, blushing like a brand new bride. “It took you long enough.” I answer.
Ben lets out another breath that I don’t think he realized he was holding. Then he smiles and blushes. He whispers “You’re my first, so I don’t really know what to do.”
I blush even more, like it’s possible and reply “You’re mine too.”

I’m dating the cutest, most popular guy in school, but it’s not like I imagined. There is no hand holding at school, no hugs in public and no dates. I start to wonder if I’m doing something wrong. I decide to ask Ben when I meet him after school. If something is wrong, he’ll tell me…right?
Ben calls Grandma’s at 4 o’clock like every Tuesday and asks me to come meet him at our corner. Something sounds different about his voice. Just off, I guess, but I go anyway. When I get there, Ben has some friends with him. We all walk down to the park. He blows me off to play basketball with his friends. Finally, I get bored and try to get his attention to tell him that I’m leaving, nothing works, he just completely ignores me. I get sick of it so I just walk back to Grandma’s. I decide that night that it’s time to get some answers. Summer vacation is coming up and I don’t want to waste my time waiting on a boyfriend that’s never around.
The next morning at school, I sneak up to Ben’s locker before he gets there and leave him a note to come find me before we go to lunch. I head off to class and hope he actually does what I asked. I can’t concentrate in class all morning. Court told me that she had seen Ben with Beth before first hour, and then again on their way to second. She also said that they looked awfully cozy. Now I know why he’s been acting weird. He’s been seeing Beth behind my back. She was supposed to be my friend.
By lunch, I haven’t heard anything from Ben, I haven’t even seen him in the halls. He’s avoiding me. I decide to sit with the girls at lunch. I tell Court and Lynn how weird Ben’s been today, and that I’m breaking up with him as soon as I get to our next class. They both look at me like I’m crazy. I tell them I don’t care what they say, I’m doing it. I leave lunch and head off to my next class.
When I walk in, Ben looks up and smiles at me. I give him a dirty look, walk over to the next table, and put my books down. I walk back to him and sit down. He gives me a really weird look.
“I know what you’ve been doing with Beth.” I say.
“What are you talking about?” He asks, blushing. He knows he’s been caught.
“Someone told me you’ve been with her all day. I just wanted to tell you that we’re over.” I reply and stand up.
“You’re breaking up with me?” He questions me, his voice cracking a little.
“Like I said, we’re over.” I answer him and walk away.
The rest of the class, he keeps looking at me like I’m going to take it back. I won’t though. He didn’t even try to object or anything. Obviously, I was right about Beth. Sure enough, after class, he goes straight to her locker and puts his arm around her shoulder. I watch them walk down the hall, and head off to my next class. I pretend like I don’t care, but I do. It hurts to be replaced so quickly.
For the next couple of months, I refuse to even look at Ben in town. I will not talk to Beth either. They are both traitors in my eyes. I can’t wait until the new semester starts. I hope that I won’t have any classes with either of them. The next Monday is the beginning of the new semester. The only exciting class is my Spanish class. I really hope they aren’t in it.


























“Baby, it’s just us here. He’s not here, and he never will be again.” My fiancé whispers while holding me.
“I know that. I just can’t get it out of my head.” I whisper back, snuggling further into the safety of his arms.
“I know…I wish you could. I want you to know I’ll never hurt you like that, and I wish I could’ve stopped him.” He replies, squeezing me a little tighter.
“You did. You’re the one who got me away from him.” I sigh into his neck.
He holds me tighter than ever before. Knowing that I meant what I said. Also knowing that he still doesn’t know the whole story. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell him the details. All I know right now is how thankful I am that he’s the one holding me close, not those horribly cold, hard and forceful hands that have hurt me so many times before.