My Abyss

His words echoed in her mind creating transparent hands which pulled at her essence, tearing her down into a spiral of deleterious thoughts. She wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough, couldn't succeed, wasn't worth love, compassion or empathy - she was unlovable. Grief and anguish paralyzed her.

She sat down and curled into a fetal position. It had been over a month since he'd announced that he didn't love her anymore, that he'd been cheating on her -- again. She'd done her best to remain strong, to take care of the kids and keep from breaking down. But here in the quiet of an empty house, she couldn't control her despair any longer.

Sobs wracked her body and she felt a pit of darkness opening up under her. Lost and alone, her dependency on him caused her to feel pathetic and desperate. Before his announcement, she'd quit her job to go back to school. But unable to concentrate and study, had dropped out once again.

She'd given him thirteen years and five children, tolerated his adulterous nature and condescending attitude, and allowed him to put his ambitions before hers, all to try and facilitate some sort of peace. Nothing had worked. And now, here she was -- a single mother, without education or income, and responsible for five children.

Snippets of conversation floated through her mind...don't you want me to be happy, I love you but I'm not in love with you, you stole my twenties, your bullied me into staying with you, you tricked me by getting pregnant...each phrase a punch in the gut, a hand pulling her down into the abyss of depression and desolation.

She wondered if it wouldn't be better if she went away. Would it be easier for her kids if she wasn't around so that they wouldn't be torn between their father and her? How long would it be before they forgot her and began treating the other woman as their mother? Would they even realize she was gone? Would they miss her?

It wasn't the first time she thought about vanishing. There was a time when she'd made sure to exit the bus stops before the one by her house because if she didn't, she wasn't sure that she would get off at all. In an earlier occasion, she'd packed up the house one night when he'd stormed out. He'd been upset because she wasn't taking care of the housework to his satisfaction. She'd been exhausted and pregnant and sick, working and taking care of toddlers. The next morning he'd come home and been all apologies and regret. They'd only had two kids then...now, she couldn't remember why she'd stayed.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to center herself and ignore the gripping emotional pain that tried to drag her down. She was a month older than he was, he stole her twenties as well...if there was any stealing to be involved. She knew instinctual that she wasn't responsible for his happiness, as he wasn't for hers. They had both chosen to have the kids they had, after all there were options. All of his reasons were excuses...nothing more. But still, his accusations hurt and stabbed at her inner being.

The floor under her felt like it was collapsing. She didn't know if there was a way out, or way to survive the emotional whirlpool she was spiraling in. All she knew was that she couldn't move forward the way she was. Crying out, she allowed the hands to drag her down to the depths of her existence. Their fingers grabbed at her raw nerves and yanked on the last strands of who she thought she was.

She breathed in, gasping as she felt the raw emotions cutting into her like razor blades. How could she feel worthless when she had raised five children she felt so proud of? How could she let one man belittle her when she had survived living on her own with five children, putting up with being cheated on, having no money and still making a household work? How could she allow him to cause her to feel insignificant when she had battled so many demons?

She curled up tighter. Emotions ragged both self-depreciating and empowering, she didn't know which to listen to. How do you assess self-worth? How do you determine value? She'd tried to find worth within herself, but it felt so impossible, so out of reach. She was the mother of five, the protector and caretaker of five people. She was a sister, a daughter, a friend. She'd been employed and it would happen again. She was smart, she could do anything she wanted to, she just needed to allow herself to believe that she could accomplish what she needed to.

But belief was a fragile thing. She didn't know if she could hold on to it long enough to achieve anything. Disappearing was easier. Vanishing into the distance and not worrying about the consequences was an option that felt real.

She looked over at a bouquet that had been delivered that day. The note read 'You're loved and appreciated. Thank you for being you." It was signed by her cousin. Someone would miss her. The phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Come be with us. Come hang out."

More people that would miss her. Vanishing could wait...for a day or two. Today she could let the people who appreciated her know that she realized they were trying to be there for her. Looking at the abyss, she nodded to it, acknowledging its existence. The pit would wait. It would still be there when she got back, but maybe...just maybe she would be a few more feet away from it.