The Bizzare Bar: First Tentacle Forward

       
     
    I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this, anyone who reads it is going to either think I have a very active imagination or I’m bat shit insane. Hell, I can’t even believe it myself. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself so let me give some background before going into the insanity that is my job.

    My name is Jeff. I’m 25 with short black hair and a little bit of stubble. Just recently I had to drop out after three years of college. Thankfully my parents were very forgiving when I told them the bad news, although it might have been because my brother had committed his fifth felony at the time and they were taking the lesser of two evils. I started to look around for a job while leeching off my parents until I spotted a flyer for a cheap, one month bartender school. One month later I passed and became a bartender, which was actually quite the accomplishment since I don’t drink.

    Unfortunately just because I got piece of paper saying I could mix drinks really well didn’t mean finding a place to actually hire me would get any easier. Each day I set out across town, searching high and low but each place I went to was full or didn’t want a bartender that didn’t even taste his own creations. For a week this went on and it looked like I was doomed to spend my days locked in my room, becoming a cautionary tale for future college students to fear.

    One day I got desperate and decided to look in the sketchy part of town hoping to end my quest by either finding a job or being stabbed for drug money. While walking by the docks I spotted it. In big green letters the name “The Oasis” stuck to the front of a two-story building that seemed to blend in with the rest of the boardwalk. There were no lights on in the building but there was an old man wiping the tables that could be seen through the windows where there hung a big sign with my chance for employment written in black sharpie.

    I entered the bar and the old man stopped cleaning and spoke, “Sorry the bar isn’t open for another two hours.”

    “No I’m not here for a drink, I’m here for the job,” I said giving the same smile I had given at every other job interview.

    “Alright you’re the new bartender you start tonight.”

    I stood there in silence as the old man continued cleaning the table. “Really?”

    “Yeah, are you deaf? You start tonight.”

    “Not that I’m ungrateful or anything but shouldn’t you interview me or something before just letting work here?”

    The old man looked up from the table and swung the rag over his shoulder. “Well considering I just fired my one and only bartender last night and we open in a few hours, I don’t have the privilege of being picky. You can start tonight and if you do well enough you can stay. Spend some time getting familiar with the bar and I’ll be back in a few minutes to settle you in.”

    The old man exited through a door leading to the back room of the bar, leaving me all alone. With nothing to do but wait for him to return, I began to explore the place I had recently been employed. There were many tables of various sizes and seats that I found could be adjusted to the patron’s height. Over in the corner was what could be called the recreation area where there stood a couple of pool tables and an old arcade cabinet that had a big sign over it saying out of order.

    Then I came upon my work area, with one of the largest selections of alcohol I had ever seen. I looked through the various shelves holding standards like whiskey and rum, but occasionally I would happen upon a label or a brand I hadn’t heard of before: dragon’s breath, spider ale, fairy piss, each one stranger than the last. While I pondered the taste of fairy piss the owner returned from the back room with a vest, a bow-tie, and a name tag.

    The owner handed me the stuff and I quickly put it on as he began to speak. “Alright we open at seven and close at three and it usually takes an hour to clean up before you’re allowed to head out. If anyone gets too wild we have a bouncer out front and there is a revolver in the fourth drawer down beneath the tap with six silver bullets ready to go.”

    I finished putting on the vest and tie and he handed me a pen for the name-tag. “The bouncer should be arriving shortly, give him his drink to start the night off and make good friends with him. He might be more inclined to help you survive the shift that way. If you need me I’ll be in the back, I’ll come around every so often to check on the place though.”

    The owner turned around and headed to the back door but then stopped and turned back to me. “Oh yeah people call me Artie. Welcome to The Oasis, I hope you survive the night.” With that, the old man returned to the back room and I began to get ready for my shift, nervous due to the vivid image the owner painted for my first night.

    As the clock on the wall ticked I watched the door, waiting for the first customer to arrive. The door swung open and without even looking I gave a hearty welcome to the large shape entering the door. When I finally looked at the figure my expression changed from a friendly greeting to extreme horror.

    In the doorway stood a large creature with black skin, large blood-red fangs, two curved crimson horns, and a pair of red eyes. I could only stare in terror as the beast started to walk towards me, taking long strides with it legs that ended in red talons. It approached the counter, its tail swaying behind it. Placing its large red claws on the counter he said in one of the most terrifying voice that could have only from the depths of hell, “I’ll have an appletini please.”

    In both fear and confusion I responded, “What?”

    “An appletini please, with extra ice and a little umbrella. You are the new bartender right?”

    “Y-yes.”

    “I’m the bouncer. I would tell you my name but everyone I tell it to either die from how horrible it is or can’t pronounce it right, which annoys me to no end.”

    I started to make the bouncer’s drink, the entire time eyeing where Artie had stashed the revolver. It didn’t take long to make it, and it took even less time for the bouncer to take the drink and swig it down in one gulp, umbrella and all. When he was finished, the bouncer walked over to the front entrance and took up an intimidating stance.

    Not long after, the bouncer’s back turned to reveal the first actual customer of the night. He stood almost as tall as the bouncer, but instead of black leathery skin he was covered from head to toe in gray fur with a tail and two ears on top of a wolf head. The wolf man walked over to the bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As I got him his drink, I failed to notice the large influx of “customers” being let through the front door. By the time I handed the wolf man his drink all I could see was a crowd of various tails, horns, and things I couldn’t even identify.

    For an hour this went on, a new customer of unfathomable creation would walk up to the bar, order a drink, and by the time I returned a new mass of creatures would be there. I just took the orders, not wanting to insult anyone or lose my head and, for all intents and purposes, I did my job right. I was doing it so well that I didn’t notice when Artie popped up behind me to see how I was doing once the wave of orders died down.

    “So how is your first night going rookie?” Artie said with a small grin on his face.

    “Are the customers usually this…unique?”

    “Yup, it seems this has become a favorite place for unusual creatures to come and get drunk.”

    “Where do they come from? I’ve lived in this city most my life and the strangest thing I’ve seen is the hobo that yells out the names of trees at the highway.”

    “I don’t know, their money is good, so I really don’t care. And how is Gregory?”

    “Aren’t you worried about what kind of creature might walk in next?”

    “That’s why I hired Mitch II.”

    “That’s his name? It doesn’t sound all that terrible.”

    “No that was just the name of my old bouncer before he ate him.”

    “And you let him protect your bar!?”

    “He’s actually very gentle when you get to know him.”

    “He ate a person!”

    “Well Mitch was kind of a dick.”

    I closed my eyes and gently rubbed my forehead to come up with some kind of sane explanation to the owner’s logic. I must have been doing this for a while because when I opened my eyes Artie was gone, leaving me at the bar with just myself and a crowd of creatures.

    There was nothing I could do but just keep working through the confusion and hope to get through the night intact. As the night went on into the very late hours of the night, the crowd started to disperse and I could actually start to see individual customers instead of the sea of appendages. I will admit that the work never got boring, if only because the customers never ceased to astound, amaze, and downright terrify me. Before I knew it the bar was down to a few stragglers, looking to get one more drink in them before having to stumble home.

    One of the last drinks I served that night also turned out to be the most enlightening. The customer called me over to ask for a drink, something hard and strong. It was to my relief that he looked normal, just a regular guy, with a regular torso, and regular face. I got the man his drink, he took the drink in both his hands, took a big gulp, and one of his tentacles placed some money on the counter. Fuck.

    “What are you looking at?” said the tentacle man noticing that I was giving him a certain look of disgust.

    “Sorry,” I replied trying to avoid god-knows-what the customer would do to me if he got insulted. “I’m new and not used to the customers around here.”

    “Well you seem to be okay. You at least know how to make a good, hard drink.”

    The tentacle man seemed like an okay…patron so I decided to try and start up a conversation. “What has you drinking so hard tonight anyway?”

    “It’s complicated you wouldn’t understand.”

    “Won’t know if you don’t tell me.”

    The tentacle man took a deep swig of his drink and began. “My name is Terry and I’m the son of a tentacle monster and a very messed up woman. I graduated from high school at the top of my class, got a degree in physics in only two years, created a new type of ice cream, and survived a fall from twenty thousand feet. Despite all this, all anyone ever calls me is that tentacle guy. Everywhere I go people avoid me like the plague, giving me dirty looks and wanting nothing to do with me. Of course this had led to a very depressing romantic life. Girls take one look at me and run the other way in fear of becoming part of those videos on the internet that have caused so much money to be invested in brain bleach.”

    “Well I’m sure there’s someone out there for you. There has to be some woman who’s into tentacle sex.”

    Terry gave me an angry look. “You think I’m into that stuff just because I have tentacles? Well, then you must like anal fisting because you have hands and an ass.”

    For the record I don’t so his argument was valid.

    “Sorry, it’s just that’s what is usually heard about tentacle monsters.”

    “And now you see my point. No normal woman will come near me and the only ones who do are only interested in recreating some sick fantasy.”

    “Don’t give up. If you keep looking I’m sure you’ll find a woman that looks beyond your tentacles and sees the real you.” Never in my life did I think that sentence would come out of my mouth.

    Terry finished the last of his drink and put the mug down on the table. “Well I doubt it will be that easy, but thanks for the kind words.” Terry got up from the bar and left a generous tip. “Thanks for listening to my little tale of woe.” With that Terry squirmed his way to the door and left.

    Terry was the last customer of the night and the last one to leave was Mitch II slurping up one last appletini before heading to whatever horrible place he called home. As I was cleaning up the place Artie once again appeared from the back room and began to help clean up.

    “So, what did you think of your first night?” Artie said as he mopped the floor.

    “I’d say I’ve had stranger but I’m not a good liar.”

    “Well you seemed to do a good enough job, so consider yourself hired. Once you’re finished up here go on home, you’ll be starting your next shift same time tomorrow.”

    With that my first night ended and my employment at The Oasis begun. On the way home I kept thinking of the various reasons why I shouldn’t return to the bar but they were all shot down since this was probably the only job I could get. I decided to go back to the bar the next evening, where my story continues with an ever increasing decline in believability.