A Light In The Dark

A Light In The Dark

Summary: There was something about him, something attractive, undeniable and alluring. And Carson Prescott gave and the abyss took.


I won't call this love because love is the closest you can get to death while still being alive. And I know now that I reached the end of that path a long time ago. Before I saw him I was normal. Not because I wasn't someone who felt passion for those of my same gender; that has nothing to do with who I am now. All I know is that before we met I was normal. I was me. I had friends, I had a job and I had hobbies and things that drove me out of my shell and let me live life in a way I never would have if we had been raised together like our parents meant us to.
My life circled around the words of my fiance. She was a beautiful woman, I think. I can no longer recall her face... Everything about her is a haze of senses, the smell of wildflowers, a blue dress and long blonde hair.
She had warm hands.
I was trying to become a teacher I think, a history teacher. That is all I know, the drugs have erased everything else.
My home was small and cozy with all the things I needed to live, not wanted- but necessary and I was never there for long I always seemed to be out and about. I remember running in the mornings up and down a dirt path in the valley near the college. The sound of wind through the trees in summer is so vivid I can see it in my dreams.
I used to talk to people, fellow aspiring teachers. We laughed and drank and even though I can't remember their names I hold the same affection for them, even though I don't know who they are I love them.
I miss them.
My life had the clarity of a film in Technicolor. It was all blue skies and long ranges of green fields. And now it is a forest in the dead of winter; the bare branches gnarled and thin reaching upwards and spread out like cracks in colored glass. The skies of my life are shades of grey and red and the cold is seeping into my bones.
When he entered my life I was unaware. My mother had briefly mentioned a brother all other details escape me.
His name was Avery, Avery Prescott. He was about three inches taller than me and blonde with piercing green eyes and an impish smile. He was twenty three and enjoyed hiking and surfing in the summer, he was studying to become a museum curator. He has a beautiful girlfriend who is an artist and he wants to marry her. His dream is to open an art museum for her and allow the public to enjoy her talent.
She's somewhere in the basement right now. Or she was last time I checked.

Avery came into my life on a Friday evening, it was planned by our mother who wanted us to get along since were close in age. Or so she thought even though I'm five years older.
I saw him sitting by the window stirring his coffee and watching the cars pass by. I felt a shiver, I  was anxious about meeting him but I kept it together.
I sat down across from him and introduced myself; he smiled and did the same. We talked for a long time and it was nighttime when we finally went home.
I talked about him to my fiance and to my mother and to my friends. He was formally introduced to everyone about a month later. We were closer than ever after that. We talked about everything. He told me about his problems, he sought my opinion and advice for a lot of choices in his life.
So I made him leave his girlfriend.
I helped him understand that he was too young to have such a serious relationship and that at his age he should have been concentrating more on himself and what he needed.
He moved to the same city and applied to the same college; he got in and began living in the dorms. I began to visit him a lot and we would talk and laugh and eat. We had so many things in common.
I only wanted him to be a good person. And I wanted to be a good person for him.
My friends didn't like my behavior. I mean-I...
They all left, one by one they left me alone and my fiance was the last one to go. We had a long and serious talk but I don't remember what we spoke of. I only know is that Avery was there for me. And he told me he loved me.
He met a nice girl in the Humanities department and she seemed sweet and I was lonely so I took her out on a date and we chatted and kissed goodnight. I told Avery about it and he never spoke to her again. So I didn't either. I didn't want to date someone who didn't get along with my closest...friend.
He sometimes asked me what I was doing when I wasn't with him, as if he didn't know what I was doing. As if I wasn't always thinking about him and dreaming about him and how long the nights were when I wasn't with him. I had one picture of us on my wall by the window; it was from a camping trip during the summer when we met.
I told him I was studying. But I had dropped out because school was taking up our time together and I wanted to be available just in case he needed help with something.
But then I made a mistake. We were drinking beers in his room and watching our favorite movies and he was sitting right next to me and laughing and he smelled so good and was so close that I leaned over and kissed him.
He laughed at me, told me that I was drunk and acting weird.
I made him understand that he was wrong and that we were meant to be together.
I made him understand.
I MADE HIM UNDERSTAND.
All I wanted was for him to love me.
He kicked me out and called his old girlfriend the one I told him tried to seduce me and it unraveled everything. She came back into his life and pushed me out of it and I was left with nothing.
I came home broken, half of one person because the other man in the pictures on my wall didn't want to be with me.
Now I kind of understand why he pushed me away.
Because when I brought his pretty girlfriend over for a visit she wouldn't stop telling me what Avery said about me. How he didn't like me anymore and that he wished he'd never met me. But when I took her inside she started to cry, she was looking around and shaking, cursing under her breath when I was walking her down the hallway to the basement entrance.
I pushed her down the stairs of the basement and called Avery's cell phone. He must have heard her screaming. It was so loud.
I'm waiting for him to come and save her from me now.
Because when he steps through that door he'll see the picture on my wall. The ones that made his sweet, pretty girlfriend shake and cry. He'll see how I've printed out that picture once a day since it was taken. I've put it on the window, on the wall above my bed. I've even put some in the hallway and bathroom because I don't ever want to forget his smile.
I want him to know me.
I want him...I want him to know that resplendent thing that he has given me, so bright it burns.

I won't call this love. Because I've known love and what I have for him surpasses that. It goes so deep inside of me that it's spread its roots and taken the place of every other feeling and sensation. It is all encompassing and it has covered me like a second skin.
And when he comes for her I will make him understand.
I WILL MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND.