Papa Japetto's Hairy Adventure

June pulled up in front of her house, and shut her hoverbike off with a lethargic turn of her wrist. The teen slid off the light blue vehicle into a crouch, and proceeded to fold it into a rounded box the size of a backpack after. Bike in hand, the jean-clad youth slowly walked up to her front porch, dropped the folded bike next to a worn rocking chair, and slumped into the wooden relic. Her front door opened with a creak. A middle-aged man in a faded green suit stepped out, and looked down at June.

"Are you alive there, honey?" the man asked, a tinge of humor in his voice. June sluggishly looked up to the lanky figure.

"Does a heartbeat count?" the youth answered, her voice dry.

"That's a start, how about some brainwaves?"

"None of those, uncle Donik."

Donik shook his head, and ruffled June's wavy black hair. The thin man walked back into their house, and June called after him.

"That hand better be clean, uncle!"

"Your aunt hit menopause early, I haven't had to tug for two months."

"Uncle!" June cried out. Donik came through the doorway with a wide grin on his face and his own folded hoverbike in hand.

"There we go, now we've got some nerve cells running around."

June's gray sweatshirt devolved into deep wrinkles as she slumped further into the rocking chair.

"Today was boring, too. There, now you don't have to ask."

"Figured as much, hun. No pretty boys to look at longingly?"

June hissed.

"Or well-built women? There's gotta be one on your Gravball team."

"C'mon Uncle, I don't swing that way! I told you and aunt Capterra that the day you adopted me!"

"Things change, I thought I may have liked men until your aunt swept me up in those big metal hands of hers."

"Hey, I thought she lost her arms after you met!"

Donik waved his hand "You get the point. Well, I won't harass you anymore - it's hard to appreciate anything that goes on in Lumbio when you aren't from here...anyway, got a graveyard shift tonight, so I should head ou-"

The rest of Donik's sentence was drowned out as a jet-propelled hoverbike roared past the porch. June and her guardian grasped at their ears after its passing, and shouted in unison.

"Fuck!"

As the crimson bike zipped towards Lumbio's walls, a trio of black and blue hovercars rose from the city's streets, and shot after it. June gasped.

"Papa Japetto...it can't be! Since when's he been stealing from this district?" Donik flicked his adopted child's shoulder as he walked by.

"A museum opened up on 38th and Yun Street...and they're running an exhibit on the Pasarra." As the slender man started to unfold his hoverbike, June walked over and sat by him on the curb.

"Great. Of course he'd hit something like that..."

"Ever miss him, June?" the youth stared at her guardian as he continued to assemble his bike. Her head sunk into her folded forearms as she muttered a reply.

"Sometimes, uncle. I know I've said it before, but...life was a lot more exciting after he took me in. Helping him steal Pasarra relics and returning them to the Bristling Barrows was all the adventure a little girl could ask for...but it's for the best that aunt Capterra took me away from him. Papa Japetto never hurt anyone, but a lot of people wanted to hurt him...just wasn't safe to be around."

Donik locked the last plate of his bike, and hopped on. As his hand rested at the ignition, he opened his mouth, then stopped. He opened his mouth more, yet didn't speak again. Tears welled in his eyes, and words finally came.

"I've always appreciated your honesty, hun. I'm just an accountant who goes to work and gets paid - no adventures, no supped-up bike, and definitely a fear of the law. I hope that...putting food on the table, lending an ear, and grossing you out with things you don't need to know have made you happy enough."

June almost knocked Donik off his bike with a hug.

"Of course it's been enough! It's always been enough..." Donik returned his adopted child's hug, then let go as he started up his bike. The slim accountant wiped his eyes, and smiled at June as he rose from the street.

"Thanks, June. You...be good now, kiddo." Donik guided his hoverbike higher into the air, and waved to June before hooking a right at the end of the block. The teen rocked back and forth a bit at the curb, then made her way back to the house with a smile. It died before she could open the front door. The same screeching jet engine from earlier steadily grew in her ears, and the youth's shoulders sunk.

"He couldn't have noticed me. There's no way."

The teen turned around, and was unfazed when her words were proven wrong. Speeding straight for her house was Papa Japetto, who shook his exorbitant red, yellow, and green hat around in greeting. June sat on her porch, and returned her former guardian's gesture with a timid wave. The deeply-tanned man struggled not to fall off his bike as he ground it to a halt, then simultaneously hopped off as he shut it off. The flashy red vehicle clanked as it struck the street, and June winced.

"Japetto! You're still treating that poor bike like junk?!" the youth yelled out. Japetto wiped off his open jacket, and his pot belly freely jiggled as he did a cartwheel onto June's lawn. The weathered thief fell onto his ass, and pointed a finger at June.

"Papa Japetto! Just 'cuz I ain't takin' care'a ya na more don't mean I ain't ya pops na more, June! An' seriously - is 'at the first thing ya say ta me, after all 'ese years?!" the weathered man said in his jumbled dialect.

"Fine, Papa Japetto, I'm sorry. But... how did you find me? There's no way you happened to spot a 16-year-old girl and, somehow, realized it was me!"

Japetto gave out a hearty laugh.

"I foun' out Capterra's stony ass lives 'ere, an' she had mama eyes for ya when she crushed mah leg 'ere with one han' an' took ya off mah bike with the other." Japetto stuck his left leg up in the air, and June sighed when she saw the blocky bionics that had replaced Japetto's original lower leg.

"I'm sorry Papa but...auntie taking me into her care was for the best! I'm so sorry about your leg...but I'm safe now. It's nice to see you, though."

Japetto got up, performed a couple more graceless cartwheels towards June, and plopped down below the teen.

"An' I'm happy ta see ya too, girl! So, wanna get outta this borin' city? Ya prolly saw me comin' by earlier - I'ma still runnin' from the police! Which remin's me, gotta sen' out anoth'a distraction!"

Japetto pulled a dark rubber ball from his jacket, and poked a few points on the dull orb. June's former guardian tossed the ball in the air, and a crisp hologram of Japetto on his hoverbike came out of the device. The ball blended in with asphalt as it zipped down the road, carrying the hologram with it. The sound of sirens rose, and faded away as the decoy did its duty. June stifled a chuckle as she looked back to Japetto.

"Look, I've missed you so much Papa Japetto but I...I can't come with. Thanks though, Lumbio does get boring..."

"Borin' 'nough ta join me, then!" Japetto stood and stretched his hand out to June. The teen's brow scrunched, and she stared hard at her former guardian.

"Auntie and uncle would kill me...no way!"

"Blame me! I'll say I kidnapped ya, ya can work out some tears, an' Capterra will try 'n break mah other leg this time! Jus' come on!"

"Why...why have you always been so stuck on stealing artifacts?"

Japetto rolled his eyes, set his fists to his hips, and gave June a patronizing stare.

"I told ya so many times as a kid, 's'a game! S'all a big game! Why'd I be so damn broke if I was doin' it all for money?!"

"Well, I still don't believe you! Just say you hate Lumbio...the government took all of the Pasarra's land way back when, right? When I play Gravball and the other team's full of bitches, it's sure not a game anymore for me! So why's it different for you?"

"Ah jus'...screw it girl, if you ain't comin' with, I'll jus' swoop through the Bristlin' Barrows alone, an' see all the chupaphants an' their skinny legs an' their tube-mouths an-"

June blushed. "D-don't tell me about the chupaphants!"

Japetto's grin grew wide. "Las' time I went through, there're buncha calfs an' shit, girl. Even saw one with fur as dark as yer hair!" June let out a long sigh, and stood up.

"C'mon then old man, show me the chupaphants. My throwing arm's gotten better, so I'll be able to toss your holo-orbs to cover us." Japetto's belly shook as he leapt and clapped his feet together in the air.

"'At's mah June! Warm as summer but got 'nough'a spring's cool ta keep ya smart!" The teen stepped down from her porch to embrace Japetto. The pot-bellied man whirled her around a few times, then set her on his bike. The thief's bionic leg screeched as he leapt into the crimson vehicle's seat, and its ignition switch groaned as Japetto almost twisted it out of the socket.

"Papa Japetto...please tell me you have a back-up helmet. I don't like the wind in my face anywhere near as much as you do." The weathered man slid a hand into his bike's side compartment, and produced a midnight blue riding helm. A strip of duct tape held together a split child-sized helm and enough rubber segments to make it adult-sized.

"Don't tell me that's my former helmet, Papa."

"I won't! Now get it on s'we can go!" June did as asked. The vehicle steadily lifted the two off the ground, then lurched forward as Japetto floored it away from June's house. The teen frantically tightened the straps that held her to the bike. Siren's rose behind her, and Japetto produced another holo-orb. June instinctively snatched the ball from the thief's hand, and fell into a cyclic rhythm that she hadn't executed for eight years. Japetto pulled numerous breakneck turns, and when the police weren't shaken off by those, he would slow down so June could toss a holo-orb. As it had in the past, the tactic still held true; the police were as diverted by the holograms as they were by Japetto's reckless driving. Pedestrians along Lumbio's streets watched the chase in fascination, and many scurried closer to skyscrapers in fear of the roaring vehicles. As the Pasarran and June neared Lumbio's walls, a new squad car appeared - and it couldn't be shaken. A brunette woman with gray streaks in her ponytail stuck her head out of the passenger side, and guided a loudspeaker to her lips with a metal hand.

"Stop! Stop in the name of the law! And June, that better not be you on the back of Japetto's bike!" June squirmed, and Japetto shouted back to her.

"Would be ya aunt who clamps ta mah ass like a lifer in'a showers! Fuck if'n I be caught by 'ose metal mitts again!" June screeched as Japetto bee-lined for Lumbio's walls. Capterra practically roared into her loudspeaker as her squad car struggled to keep up.

"If you sweet-talked my girl into this shit Japetto, it won't just be your leg you lose this time!"

June gasped at that remark, but was alieved to see Capterra's partner try to snatch the loudspeaker out of her hands. The driver was forced to ground the vehicle to a halt as Capterra's augmented arms held the device in a death grip, and in that moment, Japetto rose above the city's wall. The police sirens still roared within Lumbio, but none dared to leave the safety of its barrier. A half-hour passed as the two went well out of the reach of the city, and Japetto slowed his bike down as June took her helmet off with a gasp.

"I was a crazy-ass little girl! Don't know how I kept so calm about doing a run like this when I was younger!" Japetto lightly slapped her shoulder a few times, but shot his hand back to the bike's controller when it started to tilt too hard.

"Ya were a perfect partn'a, can tell ya that, June! Brave 'a ya not ta back down when Capterra was ready ta wreck me!" the weathered man said.

"Guess so...I'm in deep shit when I get back, though."

"I'll cov'a for ya, 'member child? S'all good!" June shook her head in disagreement, but Japetto's eyes were back to avoiding the increasingly dangerous terrain around them. As the Pasarran guided his bike higher towards a distant line of snow-covered mountains, June broke the silence again.

"So Papa...if what you're doing is a game, then why are you the only one playing it? Well, besides me now, I guess."

The thief sunk into his seat before responding. "I 'idn't try tellin' ya way back when, but what I been doin' all 'ese years use'ta be the norm 'fore Lumbio's walls swep' up the lan'." Japetto pulled a silver figurine from a left-hand compartment on his bike, and handed it to June. The teen raised an eyebrow at the statuette; it was smoothly shaped in the form of a cross-legged man, his eyes serene, his hands extended above him.

"This doesn't look like any Pasarra relic I've seen - you took it from that new exhibit, right?"

"Yeah and yeah, mah ancients didn't make it, but was in 'at museum! So what does 'at mean, June?"

"I don't know, the Pasarra got it through trade? Or stole it?"

"Ya secon' answer's close! 'Ey did take it, but it wasn' stealin' - was like capt'a the flag!"

"What kind of people would make something this valuable, then treat it like a gravball?!"

"But 'at's how it was! Instead'a stupid-ass wars 'n shit, the Pasarra, Mengela, Kipeo, 'n the sneaky Lomsk competed in'a differn' way - all made shiny trophies like the one in ya han', an' put 'em in hard ta reach places, an' would all try 'n take the trophies from each other. Fuckin' gran' time for art, trade, an' best of all - braggin' rights!"

"But...that's not what I learned in school." Japetto let out a mocking laugh that reverberated off of the mountain range.

"Course it ain't! Tried tellin' ya 'at the Four Tribes were just barbarians 'n lotsa other lies, right?! S'all so Lumbio's government can hide the blood 'at built its walls!" June was taken aback, and fear seeped into her voice as she responded.

"Prove it! Sure there being tribes besides the Pasarra makes sense, but when Lumbio took the land, there were robots that fought against them! If the tribes really were peaceful, why'd they have such powerful machines?"

"'Ose 'bots were the referees. Early af'er the game was made, some in'a tribes still got violent jus' cuz they kep' losin'. So the elders came togeth'a an' had their smartest build'as start work on somethin' ta stop that without bein' biased. 'Leven generations later, n' the referees were born - only ta be broken eight later! Here, s'all in this notebook a smart guy gave me when I'sa kid in the slums." Japetto slid his hand into yet another compartment, and shoved a book into June's waiting palm. The teen intently fell into the notes for a while, but looked up as Japetto shook her shoulder.

"'Ey, take a break - 'ose chupaphants I tol' ya 'bout are in sight now!" June looked below Japetto's hoverbike, and dozens of shaggy, lanky creatures slowly moved to and fro in the lands below the Barrows. June's mouth was wide with wonder as a mother used her trunk-like mouth to nudge a calf towards a bulbous plant. The young chupaphant placed the end of its trunk against the enormous fruit, and its belly was soon big from how much juice it had sucked out.

"I forgot how silly the calfs were! Oh no, it's trying to take too much!"

The mother nudged the calf aside, and it struggled to try and take more of the plant's essence. Japetto and his former ward shared a laugh over the gluttonous youngling. The Pasarran pulled an empty flask from a compartment, and guided his bike to a plant that wasn't surrounded by chupaphants. As the bike touched down with a thunk, June checked her phone.

"Damnit, I think my aunt just got off work. We should keep this quick." Japetto opened a hole in the bulbous plant with a stubby knife, placed the wide flask against the gash, and responded to the teen.

"Shit, can't even enjoy a trip with mah daughter! Alright, leme jus' fill a second cask 'n we'll go."

"Thanks, Papa. I don't want a repeat of eight years ago." June rummaged through the bike's compartments, and found the second flask and a couple jackets. After a quick drink, the two geared up for the cold weather to come, and started the bike up again. Mere minutes later they had reached the base of the mountain range. Japetto angled his bike and shot towards the Barrows. Even with her oversized jacket on, the hair on the back of June's neck bristled. Right before the teen's shivering started to mess up Japetto's steering, the crimson bike ended its ascent. Japetto shut off his bike's thrusters, and let its air jets lazily carry him and June towards the blocky ruins before them. The Bristling Barrows had been built into the dark stone of the mountain. Numerous shattered staircases lead up to the rectangular buildings, each draped by decades worth of snow.

"'Member which one's the trophy hall, girl?" Japetto quipped at June.

"It's only been eight years, jeez Papa...that one!" The teen pointed towards the center of the rectangular structures. Standing there was a building thrice larger than any other, with geometric  statues gracing its gates. Japetto roughly landed his bike, and got a smack on the head from June. Without responding to the teen, the weathered man pulled out the silver figurine he had taken from Lumbio, and started scaling the staircase to the trophy hall. June's grimace turned into a slight smile as she watched her adoptive father make it up the first fourteen steps. The Pasarran ground to a halt and shouted to her.

"C'mon girl, the runners deliverin' a trophy together's'a tradition! Don' leme take all the credit!"

The teen giggled, and carefully followed after her former guardian. The two almost slipped on the snowy steps numerous times, but entered the structure unscathed. Japetto pressed a button on his hat, and festive lights lit the way forward. At the end of the hall was a narrow stone dais surrounded by dozens of smaller ones. As the two walked towards the central chamber, June tilted her head in surprise as she passed by a trio of dark statues.

"Papa Japetto, have these always been here?" The thief chuckled before replying to the teen.

"'Member those referees I tol' ya 'bout? 'At's what 'ese big boys are! Foun' em lyin' aroun' in ol' battlefields, ain't get 'em ta work fer the life'a me, though. Figured I'd return 'em home, at least - 'an see if they'd scare off whoever's been takin' back whatever I bring 'ere!"

The two reached the central dais, and Japetto withdrew the silver statuette from a jacket pocket.

"No damn s'prise, last three trinkets I snatched got taken right away while's I was out! Whatever...go ahead girl, never get ta watch somebody else place a catch na more." Japetto shoved the silver figurine the teen's way, and June gently placed it on the dais.  Tears welled in her eyes.

"I...I forgot how fun this was. My teachers always made the Barrows out to be a terrifying place but...I feel so good to...to prove them wrong by being here again." Japetto rustled his former ward's hair.

"Yer keepin' the game alive with ya pops again! Couldn' be na more proud'a ya!"

The fall of heavy footsteps startled the two, and their eyes shot to the trophy hall's entrance. Standing there was Capterra, who shook like an awoken volcano as she roared at her niece.

"June, come here right now! And don't make a move Japetto!" The policewoman's bionic fingers hissed as they clenched and unclenched. Japetto raised his hands and addressed his enraged nemesis.

"'Ey, ya gonna have ta go through me ta get 'er! Whether she likes it or not, she's spendin' time with 'er pops!"

"I wasn't talking to you, scum! If you took her against her will, though..." Capterra slammed a fist into the hallway's wall, dislodging chunks of dark brick.

"Y-yeah I nabbed 'er! Right off ya fron' lawn!" June gasped, and shoved Japetto behind her.

"He's lying, I chose to go with him auntie! Please, please don't hurt my papa!" Capterra's eyes narrowed at her adoptive niece.

"Be smart, June. If you say that when we get back to Lumbio, you'll be labeled as an accomplice, not a victim. I can't protect you if that happens - so take back what you said!" June stared slack-jawed at her aunt. Japetto set a hand on the youth's shoulder, and spoke.

"Ain't ya a shit mama, tellin' ya girl that she could be doin' time jus' cuz she hopped on 'er ol' man's bike! No won'er she still calls me papa, an' is jus' callin' ya auntie!" Capterra took a menacing step forward.

"Shut the hell up. You could have actually raised June well, but instead you dragged her along for these petty thefts you're always doing. When I caught you two eight years ago, she could barely read or write! That's why I took her from you, you kleptomaniacal, dimwitted dirtba-" Japetto belched before the policewoman could finish her verbal barrage.

"Gonna use 'ose big-ass words on me, huh? Who'n the fuck still says 'kleptomaniacal', jeez, jus' call me a friggin' klepto 'stead'a wastin' time! Oh wait - ya p'lice waste errbody's time, friskin' slumsfolk cuz they 'look suspicious' 'n other bullshit!"

"Don't you dare slander my fellow officers!"

"Ain't lyin', jus' tellin' it how it is - exac' opp'site of what ya fuckin' school sys'em, gov'ment, 'n every other batshit foundation that yer precious 'lil Lumbio's built on!" Capterra was sprinting at the weathered man before he even finished. June snapped to attention, and cried out at her guardian.

"No! No, stop auntie! Stop!" The teen spread her arms out in defense of Japetto, but it was of no use; the policewoman's fist pulverized the Pasarran's jaw. Japetto fell to the trophy hall's floor unconscious. June screamed and tried to drag Capterra away from her fallen father, but all she managed to do was skew her aunt's aim. After hearing one too many wet cracks come from Japetto's beating, June began to pound into Capterra's back. The policewoman shifted her spine, and her adoptive niece struck the exoskeleton that supported and powered the woman's bionic arms.

As June reeled away in agony, a dark hand shot at Capterra's right arm, and held it in place. The teen's eyes followed the black limb to one of the hallway's alcoves, and quivered as the owner of the arm stepped into view. It was one of the referees. The towering, bipedal robot lifted Capterra into the air by her wrist, and the policewoman started to simultaneously scream and slam her other fist into the machine. The eyes of the other two referees came to life, glowing white as they fell and crawled into the hallway, unable to walk due to their long-ago-ruined legs. As the first referee struggled to catch Capterra's flying fist, the other two reached for the woman's legs. June's heart raced as she rushed forward to pull the ancient machines away from her aunt. The teen desperately tugged on the fist crawler she caught, but her grip had no power against the mechanical muscles of the referees. The assailed crawler took hold of the teen's leg, and June cried out as the remaining crawler reached for her aunt's.

"Auntie! Auntie! No, don't hurt her! Don't touch her!" The teen let herself fall, and lunged at the second crawler before it could reach Capterra. The robot's head whirred as it regarded the teen, but it paid her no heed after, and kept crawling. As if it was fed up with trying to catch Capterra's hand, the only standing referee crushed the wrist it held. The machine on the floor finally took hold of Capterra's legs, and the first bent down and smashed Capterra's arms from the elbow down into scrap metal. June spat at the referee that held her, then proceeded to repeatedly headbutt its dark face. On the teen's fifth strike, her vision swam. The machine's glowing eyes was the last thing June saw before all went dark as the Barrow's bricks.


June's eyes slowly opened, but she closed them right away as numerous lights scorched her vision. After a minute, the teen opened them back up again. Medical equipment, teal beds, and curtains went from painfully blurry to clear. The youth sat up and looked to her right. Sitting with tax forms in his lap and an intense expression was Donik. The accountant guided a pen over his current sheet, and marked sections as quickly as he returned to examining them.

"Hey...uncle...what are we doing here?" The slender man withheld a gasp as he looked up at his ward.

"June! Didn't expect you to wake up so soon!" the accountant spouted out.

"Oh yeah, I headbutted a robot...wait, where are auntie and Japetto?!" The teen almost sprang up from her bed, but a sharp pain forced her to stay seated. Donik gently pushed the youth down to relax, and June set a hand to the icepack that had been placed over her bruised forehead.

"Well, your former dad's right over there..." Donik stuck a thumb towards a bed across the room. Wrapped up like a mummy and hooked up to an IV was Papa Japetto, who softly snored through his facial cast.

"Poor guy hardly had any cash, so I covered him for your sake. As for your aunt...it's...it's a mess, hun. She's two floors above, strapped down to her own bed. Even with the strain on her muscles, she kept trying to attack Japetto."

"I...I can't be surprised. I'm just glad we came out of the Bristling Barrows alive. How'd you find us?"

"Took some yelling, but I managed to get a couple off-duty officers to stop circle-jerking and come with me to the Barrows. Almost shat my pants when I got there. I've heard about the robots that fought against Lumbio to protect Pasarra lands but...to see them activated and holding onto the two most precious people in my life..." June grasped the thin man's hand, and he continued after a deep breath.

"The officers with me almost opened fire on the things, but they just stared at us with those glowing eyes...and let the three of you out of their grasp when I walked forward with my hands up." June slowly nodded. The teen summarized what had happened that night, and Donik's face went through a dozen different expressions throughout. At the end of the teen's tale, the accountant let out a low whistle.

"I'm not pleased with you running off honey but...it sounded like you had a good reunion, at least. I just hope you understand why your aunt and I didn't want Japetto near you again after all that." June set her hands on Donik's shoulders and looked into his eyes.

"I promise, it won't happen again. Escaping the city was harmless enough but...I don't want anyone I love to be hurt again! Not because I wanted to be a little girl again, and not for anything else."

"Good. You're grounded for at least a month, but I'll give you a reward for coming out of this smarter." Donik gently picked up June with a bridal carry, and walked her over to Japetto's bed. The teen delicately set a hand to the Pasarran's chest, and whispered.

"Wake up, Papa Japetto. Wake up..." The wrapped-up thief stirred, and groggily looked at his former daughter.

"I'm so happy you're safe. I'm so sorry for what auntie did...but you wouldn't believe it. The referees woke up to protect you. They saved your life without hurting auntie...too much."

Japetto sobbed through his bandages, and winced between muffled chuckles.

"I'm also sorry because...that was the last run I'll ever do. But...there's something else I can do to keep the game alive. I'm going to teach people about the tribes, and the great game that Lumbio took away from them. I don't care how many years it takes, but I'll do it for you, Papa."

The Pasarran went silent for a bit, but tried to mumble four words. June smiled as comprehension dawned on her.

"I love you too, Papa Japetto."