Final Punctuation, Inc.

Before I met my husband, it seemed transparent to my family, my sisters in particular, that my life would be colorless and unchanging until I died. The script required me to never marry, but live at home with my mum until she died, then inherit the house. I would never work, but subsist on a disability check from the government. If I were to marry, we would live in my mother's house. Anyone willing to marry me would be glad for the house. He would probably lack ambition, anyway. This plan was a tacit understanding in my family. I never accepted this plan, I just never rejected it.

When I was twenty-six, that all changed. That year, I dumped my longstanding-but-useless boyfriend. I fell in love with my husband while he was pursuing his M.A. In Health Physics at UMass(The University of Massachusetts.)He didn't find me stupid or useless. Instead, he encouraged me. With him around, I tried new things.

Taking driving lessons fulfilled a desire I'd had for years— to actually hold a license. My seizures were dormant then, and the chance to drive appealed to me. My husband,"Whiskey," fully believed I could do this; doubt never entered his mind. We'd go to dinner, often followed by a driving lesson. At twenty-six years of age, this was heady. I drove at night in mall parking lots, and at dusk in empty parking lots. My driver's ed teacher owned a subcompact, but Whiskey drove a truck. Soon, the subcompact my instructor provided seemed teeny. When I received my license (on Bill Clinton's first Inauguration Day!), Whiskey was excited for me. He helped pick out a vehicle, too. I eventually purchased a GMC three-quarter-ton pickup truck from his brother-in-law.

At this time, I was still seeing the clueless boyfriend and only coming to realize I loved Whiskey. Whiskey recommended I purchase a truck. In an accident, I'd be protected by the steel. I told Useless about my plan to get a truck, and he looked doubtful. His remark was,"It's not very feminine." Feminine? Really? My brother Francis responded similarly. " Oh, no, Whiskerface, you don't want a truck." This was toward the end of a family gathering, and, irritated, I informed Whiskey of Francis' attitude. My husband crossed the room and spoke with my brother for a minute. I noticed my brother nodding his head in agreement. Apparently, my owning a truck now pleased Francis. Whiskey—using the twin powers of persuasion and testosterone— convinced my brother this choice was wise.

My sisters had no interest in the vehicle argument. They decided that not only did my husband deserve to know my flaws, it fell to them to enumerate them. The list is as follows:

(1) I was stupid. Caitlin told him, "She's not too bright," while Colleen used the phrase "Not the smartest." Whiskey defended me the first time, and the second time around he thought She has them all convinced. She's even smarter than I thought. After all, if I confirmed their belief about my stupidity, I avoided a lot of work.

(2) I was incapable. They were both very clear in stating that I couldn't do, well, anything. Whiskey spent every weekend with me, and knew they had this wrong, too. Letting them think this simplified my life beautifully.

(3) I was defective. Colleen asked him if he knew I had "funny spells." I love Whiskey's response. He asked "Oh, do you mean the Sturge-Weber Syndrome and the seizures she has?" Colleen was taken aback; she must have believed I kept it secret. What good would that do? If I'm going to lie down and shake for 2–3 minutes, letting people know cuts down on ambulance calls.

There were a few lesser remarks about my inability to cook and my lack of makeup and hair styling skills. I realize now that my sisters were bewildered by my success in capturing Whiskey. I didn't attract him using traditional methods like jewelry and makeup. That was the method I should've used. Somehow, I landed a tall, intelligent, interesting graduate student without artificial help. I shook their view of how the world of dating and marrying worked. For us, simply courting succeeded beautifully, because from the first, we were friends.