Stand Up Comedy Routine

I got a reminder in the mail the other day from my doctor to remind me for a scheduled appointment. The one thing that bothered me was that on the bottom of the notice it read “please arrive 15 minutes early.” I’m like “well maybe you should have scheduled the appointment 15 minutes earlier.” 15 minutes early? Maybe if you didn’t make me wait 15 minutes in your waiting room plus another 15 minutes in your doctor’s office, then maybe I would graciously arrive 15 minutes early. That’d be like me saying hey come to my house for dinner at 8:00:    but please arrive 15 minutes early. The only difference between me arriving 15 minutes earlier than the scheduled time would be that I am waiting 15 minutes longer. Why the fuck would I want to do that? Isn’t there enough waiting as there is.  I can jerk off 3 times in that span and not skip a beat. That 15 minutes is very valuable to me. They must want us to read as many bullshit magazines as possible. “In that 15 minutes of time you can find out what drug Lindsay Lohan has shoved up her twat.”

Getting physicals as a kid was always a traumatic experience. I’m kind of pissed off that my mother chose a dude as my pediatrican till this day. She was always in the room during my physicals and I’m like “Mom, wasn’t this the kind of thing that your dad use to do to your brother?” Why do you approve of this? One time when I was 10,12,14 whatever it doesn’t matter all I know was that I was old enough to realize this was an awkward situation. I have developed this social skill. So I go to my doctor for a physical and I’m a big boy by this time so mommy’s waiting at the waiting area. So when I go to whip out my dick he takes a chair and sits down in front of me. Even as a kid I’m like, is this guy gonna fucking blow me? He had his glasses out like this like he was reading the sports section of the newspaper. And earlier he had a hot grad student who was training and overlooking the doctoral procedures and when I was about to whip my dick out she was the one who had to leave the room because she’s the opposite sex and it would be deemed inappropriate. I’m like keep her in here get this old licensed pedophile the fuck out. Like what the fuck. This is kind of backwards don’t you think. If anything inappropriate were to happen I’d much rather the chick be involved not the guy. If the woman assaulted me I would brag to my friends and they wouldn’t believe me. If it was the guy doctor I would have felt depressed,empty and ashamed and would have told my parents and they wouldn’t believe me.  Like anything would have happened.I was still a pervert back then and had the clichéd fantasy that every guy has about a really hot, busted doctor, preferably fake tits examining my cock and then her telling me that there’s an enlargement that needs to be taken care of so she does what any medically professional doctor would do, blow me because porn has fucked up my reality based views on women. Then I started to wonder why I have never seen a hot doctor in my life. Then it came to me, “Idiot hot girls don’t become doctors, they fuck doctors.” What was I thinking? A hot girl becoming a doctor is like a pot grower who buys weed. Why would he need to buy weed when he can grow his own.

Porn has led to many disappointments in my life. I called a chick a whore while I was fucking her one time because I saw a porno actor do it and well….. That didn’t go over to well. She first slapped me; Aggressively got out of bed; got dressed; told me staunchly to never call her again; then called her boyfriend to pick her up. Maybe I was just too honest.

Doesn’t that piss you off? When your girlfriend says the most important thing in a relationship is honesty. Honesty keeps it real. It glues us together.  No it doesn’t. Dishonesty glues us together. If we told each other exactly what was on our minds, my dick would be castrated then shoved down my fucking throat. She would be like “YOU LIKE THAT. HOW DOES IT FINALLY FEEL? NOW YOU KNOW HOW DEMEANING THIS IS!!! I would be pretending to gag so I could convince myself that I had a big dick.

I’m from Tully, New York which is a small town in central New York outside of Syracuse. And coming from a small town has made me realize that I don’t come from an interesting town. So there’s a method I have for telling people where I’m from. The farther I go, the more general vague my hometown is. The only time I can tell people that I’m from Tully is when I’m ten miles away from Tully. When I’m in another county I tell people I’m from Syracuse. Then the first question I always have to answer is “Oh so do you go to Syracuse University?” Then it just gets awkward from there. Then I have to tell them that I go to a community college 2 minutes from SU and now I have become that much less interesting.  When I’m out of state I tell people that I’m from New York. By that time I just go with it. “Oh so do you live in Manhattan?” “You betcha. I’m actually a bullpen catcher for the New York Yankees.” Girls will eat that shit up because the camera rarely shows the bullpen and when they do, they wear a fucking mask like a clichéd villain in a horror film. So fellas when you’re out of state, make sure you wear your favorite team’s uniform with a customized jersey with a fake name on it. At this point there’s really no need to tell that truth. A fake name is the most crucial part of the story because when you lie about your job it’s the only piece of your identity that truly matters and when she finds out that you’re not a plastic surgeon, there will be no excuse for you to examine those titties anymore. So a fake name is nothing but it leaves a trace. If a girl finds out that you lied about your name but you were truthful about your occupation they will get over it because the money is still coming in. If you tell her you’re a lawyer and you really are a lawyer then you can be Bill, Dan Bob who gives a shit. I just don’t know why a lawyer would give a fake name. Other way around you have some explaining to do and that 85 honda civic that you drove her home with makes a lot more sense. Before that she thought you had that car because you were in the witness protection program. I guess telling her you were a capo in the Gambino crime family was a stupid lie to begin with.



So I still live at home which means that I never get laid. I do get to stay out late on a school night so that’s a plus. I still live at home but I don’t have a curfew anymore but sometimes I forget that I don’t have a curfew anymore. I’ll be hooking up with a girl then look at the time and go “wow it’s 10:00 already. I better get my dick out of your mouth before my parents go to bed and lock the door. It’s terrible living with your parents because there’s no growth… emotionally and physically even. There’s not much growth with your dick when your mom yells up to your room and asks what do you want for supper. It’s nice that I have the option but when that happens and you have your cock in your hand, Bree Olsen doesn’t seem so hot anymore and the shame sets in. It’s tough because no matter what you’re still a fucking child around your parents. I’m the youngest of 3 which makes matters worse. My mom was going to clip my toe nails the other day and I’m like “MOM, come on. Your clipping them to short. I don’t like it when you clip them to short because it hurts my toes. But I forgave her because she had a long night and it took her 20 minutes to get me in the bath tub. Then I start to make excuses for myself to make it less lame that I still live at home. I’m like well they are getting old and need help around the house. While I’m thinking that I hear my dad turn on the lawn mower and I’m on pornhub being picky about the porn videos I’m about to watch because you never want to waste a jerk on a sub par porn video. Even if I still have the chance to watch that same video 2 hours later when the pulley is ready to get yanked again.

You know you watch too much porn when you start to get picky with fuck videos. When you have certain standards for porn, you need a hobby. You’ll be browsing youporn with your hand already on your dick but your face looks like your browsing for antiques on ebay. The worst is when you choose a video and apply the lube on too prematurely. Once you’ve put that lube on your hands have fun fast forwarding through the opening because there is no way that you’re touching the keyboard now. Once that lube is on your hands and dick, you’ve pretty much decided that your going to watch through the monologue. I hate this series of events because now I’m going to have to sit through the interview where the director asks groundbreaking questions like “Are you ready for a big monster cock in your pussy today?” Then you can see right through her sad empty eyes and her soulless spirit being while she hesitantly nods hoping that her father doesn’t come across her video. Oh that’s so hot, Darla! My little angel. I mean the pre fuck interviews are so insightful. It was like watching an Oprah interview asking Bruce Jenner if he is becoming a woman. Fuck if I was married to that cunt I wouldn’t want to be a man either. Then you’re forced into watching the foreplay scenes which is pointless. If I wanted foreplay I wouldn’t need porno for that. I’d just tell my girlfriend to tell me how much you care about me and stick 2 fingers up my ass. Where was I? Oh yeah porn. So when you’re stuck in the predicament that I am talking about which I have gone into graphic and disturbing details, the key is to keep your dick hard. You don’t want to miss out on a good position and camera angle because your dick is a turtle’s head. Now if you hadn’t cum yet and the video has ended, the next thing you’ll do is to take a .12 shotgun and kill yourself. Because if you even think about getting up and cleaning your hands then starting the whole process over again, you need to off yourself badly. Also when you do decide to end your life, make sure to destroy your computer. You don’t want the cops tracing through you’re the laptop and connecting the dots because it would be pretty hard for your mom to hear that you killed yourself due to masturbation frustration.

Do any of you in the audience sext a lot? Yeah? Now guys do you sext to get hard or do you sext because you’re already hard and your life is completely empty? It’s the latter for me. I mean really who is getting off on sexting? A deaf mute? When I sext a girl I’m with my buddies hammered and we’re laughing our asses off. Because the act of sexting itself is so fake you say things like yeah now I’m stroking my cock thinking about kissing your neck and then your entire body right down to your pussy even though your really making hand gestures to your friends like a bunch of pent up douchebags. I mean none of us can talk about a girl in a nice respectful way even if you do respect her. If anything sounds remotely sensitive we call each other a FAGGOT or NANCY QUEER. Which would be oxymorons because were talking about girls. One of your friends would be like I made sweet passionate love to my lady last night. Then someone would shout out HOMO. What a fucking fag. Like how is he a fag he just said he plowed a girl but in a nice way. What the fuck did you do last night. You don’t even get laid but I digress. So I remember one night I was loaded and one of my buddies took over the sexting duties which was a big mistake. Not because It made me look bad. I could care less but it ruined my chances of sleeping with her. Now this girl was taking it seriously I mean she was really into it. In reality she was probably doing the same thing with her friends but whatever. Doing hand gestures and shit. (Imitating fingering gestures) I mean it was a goof but everything I said I would do. I defiantly would plow my cock into her pussy but I hardly knew this chick and you’re more bold via texting. Now she said something about how she got a new tongue ring and how she was going to suck my dick and put my balls in her mouth with it. Now at this point my friends and I were hooting and hollering and then started to air hump everything in sight. I mean if you walked in on this you would have completely shit yourself. So I asked my buddy Nick what I should say back and he got a little overly excited and took my phone without thinking and then the damage was done. You know what he said? He said “Yeah you would like that wouldn’t you, you dirty whore.” I looked at him with this face and simply said WHY? The one word you don’t say during dirty talk is whore or slut, cunt and anything else in that nature unless they like that and when you’re already in the sack. Not when she is likely sober and probably not that horny because as I said sexting most of the time is fake. You know how I know it’s fake? I’ve sexted girls while having a conversation with my mother and looking her into her eyes. Trust me I can maneuver, but I’m not going to be rubbing my dick in front of my mother no matter how much the girl I was talking to wanted it to be authentic. I’m rubbing oil on my tits and putting 3 fingers in my pussy. What are you doing stud?” Talking to my mom about putting grandma in a nursing home… whilst stroking my hard rod. Give me 20 I’ll get to your level. I’ll be placing my dick in my freezer while I let my dog eat a popsicle out of my ass. Send. Oh… you dirty little whore. look at any of you ever again. I thought I would try stand up to get laid but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. “Hey aren’t you the comic that said you were going to let your dog eat a popsicle out of your ass?” “Well I was at the freezer. It was either a popsicle or a frozen hot dog.” I think that’s enough of my shoving freezer treats up my butt don’t you? But I never said anything about fruit.

Any of you go to OCC? Yeah? See me after the show. Her major is human sexuality. You know why? Because she’s a hot chick who goes to community college that’s why. So what courses do you take?” “How to fuck 101.” “Great.” Her goal in life is to learn everything about sex and then fuck a guy who’s in finance. What do you two bring to the table? Well I handle our books and finances. I account for everything we spend on. I keep a journal entry of our assets and liabilities we owe to creditors and the whole 9 yards. What does your wife do? Oh she fucks like a wild animal with rabies. Yeah you see that scratch on my neck. Not from the cat. You didn’t think I was doing this for nothing did you? More power to ya ladies I mean without you in our lives we would do stupid shit and you keep our egos in check and bring us down to earth plus, well we couldn’t pro create so the human race would die. “If my sister told my father that she was taking human sexuality he would have had a heart attack. He’d been like  sigh… “I should have never let you out of the house.” “But dad that’s why I’m taking human sexuality. Cause I never left the house to learn how to fuck.” “I guess that’s true sweetie, well make sure he’s in finances.” My dad’s all old school farm boy who believes a woman should save herself and be a good wholesome, American, conservative woman and take care of the home and her 14 kids where 3 of them didn’t make it. Even though my dad use to fuck everything that moved when he was younger. My grandma slipped up and told me how he went out with my mother’s sister before he went out with my mom. I’m like, “Christ.” You fucked Aunt Helena? My fat, disgusting aunt who’s always yelling at her husband when she drinks too much wine? Then you fucked mom? At least you kept it in the family pops. “You didn’t fuck grandma did you?” “Son you think I went over there every morning just to have coffee”? Let’s just say I accidently left my creamer in nana’s can if you know what I mean. Let me put a disturbing image in your heads. Imagine your grandparents fucking. Grandma’s on top riding grandpa who’s hooked up to the dialysis machine. (Old man voice) I’m gonna cum!!! Which is always followed by call the ambulence!!! I mean how can it not be a near death experience after every time elderly folks have sex. I did a bump of molly and had sex with a girl for 4 straight hours and thought I was gonna die. My heart was pumping and all I could think was that this is how I’m gonna go. Wait till my mom hears about this. Then the thought of my mom set me back a couple hours. I was like focus!! Ok, boobs, boobs, boobs, wait why do I have to think about boobs I’m fucking someone who has boobs what the fuck? Just touch them and play and fondle with them Mike this is the real thing. This isn’t your laptop on your stomach.  I can’t imagine when my bones are brittled and my lungs have basically fully collapsed. I bet old people don’t even fuck around with foreplay. Foreplay? Foreplay to me is not fucking dying. Grandpa’s on Viagra and has been hard the past 3 hours and needs to get it over with or else his dick will explode. “So grandpa didn’t lose his penis in Vietnam?

Don’t you hate when a girl goes down on you, it had to be the time you let it go down there. Whenever I shave my pubes I never get laid. Because when you shave that means you’re going out just to get laid and it never works out. When I get laid it’s unexpected. Hey pussy. So then I’m like ahhh I’ll probably won’t get any and soon enough, she’s digging through a black forest looking for big foot down there. Now big foot represents my penis in that joke but believe me, if there was such a thing as small foot then I would have used that euphemism but I’ll stick with big foot.

Now as a guy up here talking to all of you I have the power to say that I know every guy here has tried to suck his own penis. I can honestly say that I was successful one time and I’m not as proud as I used to be. But when I was 14 I was as flexible as a gay Russian gymnast. But whenever I have this conversation with my friends their like fuck no that’s gay as shit I would never try and do that. I’m like really? You give yourself a hand job 5 times a week and that wouldn’t be just as gay? Excuse me for trying to spice up my sex life with myself. But the first time I came in my life, I was 13 and was down in my basement just randomly stroking my dick because instincts kicked in. It’s kind of weird that this was the first time I had cum because there was a pool table in my basement which involves long sticks and a lot of balls. I don’t think that was the trigger plus when are psychiatrists ever right. Now the first time busting a nut is definitely a weird experience because I didn’t know what was going to happen and I honestly thought piss was just going to stream right out uncontrollably. But of course it wasn’t urine, it was this mystery white fluid which made me think, oh so that’s what my priest made me swallow which he told me that it was holy milk that washed away my sins. What? Do you think I had a choice? It wasn’t that big of a deal I swallowed his load, did 10 Hail Marys and was on my way. Sorry Catholics. I use to be Catholic so I can fuck with you. Now before I could cum, I would just rub my boners against non living objects. My favorite was our corduroy chair. That chair was my bitch. I remember I was the ring leader with the bros on dick rubbing methods. I’d go to school bragging about it like “you have to try humping your pillow.” It is magical. I haven’t skipped a beat ever since. Then I started watching porn. And now the real fucking non living objects happen. I poked a hole in my teddy bear and fucked it. And I mean fucked the living shit out of it. Hours and hours and my dick use to chafe because of the cotton stuffing inside of it. Then I remember I would actually make a conscious decision to either cum inside it or pull out and bust right on its face. I’d be like “yeah you like that don’t you”. The whole pulling out method started because I was trying to emulate the porno actors. I would change positions. Fuck it doggystyle, fuck it sideways. Even did reverse and regular cowgirl with it except I had to use my hands to move it up and down which wasn’t a problem. I was a narcissistic little kid because I would watch myself in the mirror fucking this teddy bear. I had to start calling it a Trinity bear because I felt it was gay to fuck a male stuffed bear like that made it any better. It wasn’t weird enough already that I was fucking a teddy bear but I made sure it wasn’t a male. I came up with Trinity because it started with a T and because she was a dirty little slut who had major daddy issues. Now can you believe this was the same kid who gave up masturbation for lent one year? I sometimes can’t believe it as well I’m like wait, holy mother of god I did do that. Man Trinity must have been drowned in cum on easter. I fucked her like I was coming back from war. I even told the Sunday school teachers that what I gave up. “So what did everybody give up for lent this year. What did you give up for Jesus?” Everyone would be shouting and shit. “Pudding, Play Station, TV, School.” Funny Kid. “Chocolate….  JERKING OFF.” “You know that’s a sin don’t you. You shouldn’t be doing that anyway. Yeah you know what else is a sin? You getting fucked in the ass in catholic school while you were “Saving Yourself.” “I can’t insert a penis into my vagina because it’s against my religion and I’ll spend the rest of my eternity with the angel of darkness. Yeah but you can have a cock jammed down your throat while another guy fucks you in the ass? Yup because that’s the holier thing to do.

I was flipping through the television the other day and I came across the religious channel. It’s 24 hours of church services 7 days a week in case you missed out on church Tuesday. Who actually watches that shit. The only people I can think of more than likely doesn’t even have a television.

You know what’s gross. People eating corn. Have you actually watched and notice people eat corn. It’s disgusting. I don’t know what it is about corn but for some reason it brings us back a million years. (Imitating people eating corn). Try taking someone’s corn from them and I guarantee you they will bite your arm.

Speaking of disgusting, I deepthroated a banana the other day. Just randomly saw a banana and thought hey let’s see how good of a cocksucker I am. You never know when you might need this skill. One day you may have to deepthroat out of a situation. It was rather disappointing, I could only get like 3 inches down.  Then my friend was like hey maybe you should shove a banana up your ass and see how good you can take it. You might go to prison one day. This was the same friend by the way who called that chick a whore. Yeah, I’m gonna shove an 8 inch fruit up my ass. So I try to work it in there. Turns out the circumference of my asshole isn’t big enough for a banana. So how the hell is it going to be big enough for a 10 inch, monster, black cock coming from a man who killed his own mother in law. Well, I guess that’s not that crazy. Who hasn’t thought about killing their mother in law. I don’t even have a mother-in-law and I already know she’s gonna be a cunt.