The Dark Christmas

It is going to be a dark christmas

Yes the ligts are glowing in the tree,

The fire is burning with its beautiful colores of orange, red and yellow

The candles are flickering

And the entrence to my house is decorated by shiny lights



I am surrounded by light

Everywere



Still it is going to be a dark christmas



For the first time in my life we wount bee making chrismas cookies

For the first time in my life we wound sit and sing chrismas carols,

as we are playing cards

For the first time in my life I am watching our annual hanball games on tv alone

For the first time I will not have you by my side when we are shopping for christmas gifts



Because this chrismas

You will not be here



You left - so quietly, gracefull and satisfied

With all that you ave acchieved in your life

You were ready to let go

And thankful that your time had come



But I was not ready

And I never will bee



You were my rock

The one person in my life who Truely understood me

You were always there for me

Nomather what, where or when



I could always come to you

In you warm and cozy livingroom

Sitting in your rocking-cair

Knitting or embroding

A new pair of wool sock

A new tabel cloth

Dinner was always ready

The smell of fresh made desserts in the kitchen

It could be anyting

Always doing something

Not for you self, but for others



The warm livingrooom was not just warm because the fire was burning

But it was your heart

A tierd, long lived heart

that made your living room and house warm



I have been told to;

"move on"

"it is the circle of life"

"she was ready"

"remember the good things"

"she wanted to rest"

"it was her time to go"

"stop beeing selfish"

"she had a long hard but good life, so let her go"



But I cant !

I want you back

Back at home

In your rocking chair

With open arms meeting me

A good love filled hug

An kiss on the cheec

And a pout on my nose

A lap to put my head on when I was sad

A hand to hold

A laughter when we were joking

The sound you made when getting the perfect card as we played "fivehundred"

The sparkle in your eyes

The half crooked smile

The stories from the old days

The "goodnight songs"



It is never easy saying "goodbye"

And when it is your rock in life leaving

It is the hardest thing to do



You asked me before you left;

"Can I leave?"

"Will I meet those I have lost again?"

"Have I done right by those I know and met in my life?"



I answerd you truthfully

"Yes, you will meet everybody again"

"Yes, you have only done good by others"

"Fly my Angel, fly home - and give them my greetings and love"

"Yes, you can let go"



You smiled to me

I bended over to give you a pout on your nose

And a kiss on your chin

As I have done all my life

And you kissed me on my chin

Gave me a pout on my nose



They said you were "gone" and did not understand anything

Your mind had already left

It was just your warm beating heart that was left



But I knew you were there

Following, and paying attention



Because when I made a pout to you

You did the same for me

And you looked me in the eyes

And made that same sound you always did

When you gave me a pout on my nose

And a kiss on my chin

Then a wink with your right eye



I knew you were still there

Looking, hearing, feeling, knowing



But afther that pout

And that kiss

They saw I was right



Then just under a hour later

You closed your eyes

And fell asleep



So even thought lights are shining everywhere

Christmas carols are playing

Cristmas cookies are beeing baked

And the smell fills the air

And the wool socks warms my feet



It is going to be

A dark christmas



A dark chistmas

Is coming to town this year