This life I live

We live life selfishly, to survive. Human nature such as that is wired into our minds. We take for granted the things we have, the people in our lives, and the idea that we glide through this life thinking all will be okay eventually. We are selfish in self-preservation, not so different than animals. Compassion on a deeper level separates us slightly from animals. Well, most of us. We say awful things to each other, do awful things, lie, steal and cause pain for our own gain or protection or even ego. We do these things not because we are evil beings per se. We do this for many reasons. Each reason is different. In my case, my reason was hurt, betrayal, and a broken heart. A woman with a truly broken heart is capable of saying disgusting things she could never mean, but says them to try to inflict some of the ache away to get it away from her heart. Unfortunatly, this tactic does nothing except cause more guilt. Take it from me, for this is my story, an unproud sentence that will haunt me and forever and make regret reside deep inside for the rest of my days. This is my story, an example of regret at it's finest that hopefully will help you think before you speak, for once the words of ugly leave your lips, they can never be forgotten.
I was married in 2006 to the man I considered my soul mate. He was all I ever wanted in a partner and we laughed more together than anyone else I've encountered in my life. He was my hero in many ways. He was noble, generous, sweet and tough all in one amazing person. Love came fast for us. In eight short months we moved in together. He was a police officer, but first and foremost he was a marine to the heart. He saved me and protected me. Soon after we moved in together we got pregnant. Our joy to start a family made us even happier.But sadly, even before I began to show, my gallant love was called back to active military duty in Iraq where he was to stay through the duration of my pregnancy. Without his love and our kaughter, our apartment ecame a lonely prison. With no one to share the progress of my growing stages of pregnancy, and having to go to the doctor monthly surrounded by a waiting rrom full of couples holding hands and clearly in love, lonliness was almost unbearable. So much so that eventually I tried to tune out the happy couples softly chatting excitedly and burying my nose in parent magazines. I would imagine he was beside me sometimes, it helped me not worry so much about what was happening across the world to my love, fighting and in danger and away from me. The day I was finally able to find out the sex of the baby, I hadn't heard from him for nearly a week. When the tech wiped that cold goo from my protruding belly and announcd I was carrying a girl I closed my eyes and smiled, somehow wishing he coud hear or feel the love and joy in my soul. The remainder of my pregnancy proved difficult, So much so I reached out to the Red Cross to get a message I needed him home early. To my surprise, it worked and one day while I vaccummed I heard a knock on my door. Heart pounding I flung it open and there he stood. He looked so tall, dressed in his uniform with a gigantic bag slung over broad shoulders. I will never forget the smile he wore. Me on the other hand, stood frozen at the sight of him. He was tan. He was more beautiful than I could remember him being. My chest felt as if it might give way and I could fall to the ground in a head of relief. We stood for three seconds taking each other in and rushed forward to embrace. He smelled delicious. He was real. I didn't want to let him go. Tears streamed down my cheeks and a couple dripped down my chin onto my neck. I didn't care. he ws real! my love was real. For the remainder of my pregnancy, which was only three weeks more, we talked aout it all. We ate and laughed and made love and slept in eachothers arms. He made silly jokes to my belly through my now enormous belly. zHe rubbed my back, my feet, and my head. He rought me things snd comforted me when I was scared as the loser my delivery date drew closer.