daily musings 2012

So a month on, life outside myself feels like a thing of beauty , all the toxic sewage that is poured down are necks , poisoning are psyche , for me is all off limits , first of course it is the big one,s booze and street drugs , then my lesser or seemingly lesser nemesis , Valium , muscle relaxants , compulsive gambling , all fill me with toxic hate , spin the Hipocalmus out of control , make my head hurt , trap me like a rat in a laboratory , then there is sex , easily obtainable here in Thailand where the dollar talks , lovely petite but battle worn whores , doing what is as honorable trade as any if its looked at objectively , they provide a valuable service for the desperate . A chance to believe that your special , a sweet little Asian girl whispering in her ear she loves you. Having been saturated in semen the night before by some obese German slob . You think its understanding ,but its not its nothing less than nothing. The fantasy played out between the ears acted out with out heart. In the end you are left feeling like the silly boys in Pinochio ..Whose misdeeds saw them turning into donkeys . How life gives us all these valuable lessons , and how slow we are to learn . No body gets there , that place we all think we want to get to not Neil Armstrong , Usain Bolt or Albert Einstein. As much as we study , persevere, learn and express, we are all fallible and we all cease to exist in the end. Or maybe we don,t .Maybe it is some brilliant illusion played out by the gods . A mighty conundrum , a riddle ,even the wisest can never really solve. , Perhaps there is a place where people are,not afraid , where death does not loom on every corner , Where disease and poverty are no where to be seen . Where Father Christmas brings presents to every little boy on Christmas eve , Where there is a Santa , Heaven where some kind of sentient , being reigns eternal , where are families are waiting on the other side , where there is no pain , where every sin , and bit of self doubt is washed away .
How would that place feel ? ecstatic would be too tiring , imagine spending all eternity fucking a whore on ice .The sweet fragrant smell of her pussy fills the air , her lost soulful eyes gaze up at you making you feel powerful . Is that paradise .It feels good at the time , sometimes , but we cant pursue what feels good on earth , There in lies the message spoken by Buddha life is suffering ,.Can that be it , no explanation , this sorrow this loss , this feeling of being lost and not knowing can that be it , i worry the honest answer to that question is yes .