Heart Awakening

         Had I known then what I knew now, life and time would've been significantly different. I rose from my bed of petals that morning not expecting that day to be any different than the previous days of that simple summer. It was early in the summer month, a warm but titillating breeze blew against my open window as I changed. The breeze wrapped around my angled body like a fitting blanket, warming my limbs and stretching a smile across my tired face. It whispered into my ear the soothing sounds of a field of grass, each blade being whisked away by the breeze.
Staring at the lawn from high above was my fluffy white criminal, or as I like to call him, Skitty. His paws ached for the adventure out that window, his eyes glistened from the sunlight and his fur shined vibrantly. It was fitting to think of him as my angel and my savior. As much as I wanted to stay and cuddle with my whiskered brother, I had a destination in mind. I combed my hair not one, not two but three different times just to get it right. I quickly walked with a stride to the front door, impatiently waiting for my staggering mother to grab her keys that had already been lost on multiple occasions. After a few moments of upsetting couch cushions, the keys had been found, that car started and we had been on our way. To embrace the warm and crisp air, I rolled down the passenger seat window. One of the greatest feelings is letting your hair blow during a great wind and letting the wind caress your face. Each building that passed was blurry and fuzzy to my eyes being grasped by the wind. The car ride felt longer with each moment that passed to the point where I mistakenly thought we had circled a grocery store twice.
Finally, we had taken that turn. The sign that welcomed us was painted with graffiti and slapped with stickers. Despite the frightful entrance, the park was a well-kept place, for the most part. After saying my tedious goodbyes to my mother, I stepped out of the car and onto the grassy plain before me. Down the hill from the small road was a swing set built for eight. I checked the time, albeit impatiently, and strolled down the rusted swings. As I lost myself in the nostalgic memories of swinging in elementary school, I saw a man holding the hand of his assumed girlfriend or wife. Together they watched their small child, a boy with lavishly long hair, play on the jungle gym. He exerted all of his sugar produced energy and before his parents knew it, had fallen asleep on the cloud of his mother's arm. The parents sat together on the field of mulch with their child in their arms. Watching them, studying them like an eager student had given me a strong feeling in my heart. A feeling that that is the only thing that I could ever want in the future. Not exactly the hand holding or holding children, but the unity of love that I saw in that couples' eyes. Looking back, I could've had that unity all along, had my feelings woken up sooner.
         The time had reached half noon and roughly, ten or so minutes had past since my arrival. I looked up and saw him arriving, casually late. He stepped out of his parents car and waved goodbyes and approached me promptly. We greeted each other with a broad smile and dilated eyes as the Earth rotated beneath us.

"Hello."
His voice echoed, his perky lips motioning each and every letter. I responded with a shy yet assertive "Hey," that hid my true intentions. He sat down on the swing next to mine that squeaked and squawked even louder than mine. Despite the rustic noises, we swang in synchronized harmony as we conversed. Topics included our mornings, our weeks and our thoughts. However, neither of us stated what we were really thinking, wanting, hoping for. I stared subtly into his soulful almond eyes and watched his beautifully motioning hair quiver with the breeze. Before this day, those thoughts seemed irrational, unjust and sinful. I hoped they were only just my hormones acting out like the rotten teenager inside me would, but in fact those thoughts and ideas were me being one hundred percent me. Eventually the swinging became tiresome, so together we walked up the hill and to the road. Not knowing where in the park we were going didn't bother us, we reveled with laxity. As we strode up and down the cracked pavements, the sky became a dismal gray, like a gray crayon had stroked the paper sky with its weight. Even the changing skies didn't strike our concentrated minds, we walked through knee high weeds and bushes in the deep fields of the park. We explored like we were children again, no worries on our backs and no mindset other than being with each other and having a good time. As the sky continued to grow its grey beard, more time was passing, which was something that we had indeed taken note of. We agreed on a mutual area in the park to venture; two picnic tables with a few trees surrounding it near the slope of a rough hill.

As we walked there from the tracks within the artificial forest, I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. Each bump it made in my chest felt stronger than the last, it wasn't a painful feeling by any means, but rather a feeling of being daring, or perhaps excitement? The thought I had in my head since my dear friend's arrival had not vanished, but instead grew like a sapling planted directly on my heart. In only the hour or so we had been at the park, the sapling had grew into a ravaging and demanding tree of hopes and desires, but all of the hopes and desires were of the same request. Finally our trepid limbs reached the old tables under the trees that cast a shadow of protection against the incoming rain fall. I youthfully sat on the tabletop while he stood flat on the grass worn dirt beneath him. We stood close to each other with a raging tension that stood in front of us like a tall and frightful gate, that we could break free of if one of us made the right move. We were soon harassed by a small spider that just curiously wanted to inspect our presence, I jolted onto the ground and moved far from the dreaded spider. He laughed at my anxiety but not in the intentions of laughing at me, but rather with me, as I realized what I coward I was. Although that moment seemed awkward, it grew us closer, in the literal sense. We both stood on the ground as our minds raced with the same exact idea jumping around inside like a pinball hitting bumpers rapidly. I stared into his almond eyes once more as he repeated my action. I spoke softly and indirectly like a maze that he'd have to navigate to understand. He must have had a map though, as he instantly knew where to go.
"I want to...too." His lips seemed to ache with his words and his eyes remained totally on mine.

âA-alright,â I replied as I shook nervously. This was finally going to be it, the moment I had dreamed about but never had the moxy to do with any previous infatuations. However, like any other moment in which I needed to step up, be brave and show or tell someone something that could change the course of my life, I became a timid mouse, not the lion I sought to be. Also against us was the course of time itself, our time was running short and both of our parents were due any minute. The rain was also beginning to come down again, so we moved down the hill only a few feet to a better and well protected area, but mostly due to my anxiety needing me to move around like a worm. Before we knew it we were only inches away from each other, our eyes shut and our lips ready to be plucked like a flower. However the anxiety had invaded me once again like a large army, the army had always stopped me from doing anything brave. I let a sliver of doubt seep into my brain; I thought for only a moment to call the idea bogus and leave it at that.

No. I could not leave here this day without pressing my needy lips onto his. I fought the army in my mind with all of my courage and might that I had inside me. It was only then that he had noticed his parents and my mother pulling up the road and approaching us quicker than we hoped. We both shared a look of disappointment with each other, a look of pure depression and hopelessness. Deep in my mind, I could never leave things with him like this. In that moment, I pushed myself forward and puckered my lips and finally after all this time...

                                       felt a wild and brief spark of pure elation and joviality.

It was in that moment, I realized what I had been missing all of my life, for all of the years we had known and befriended one another. What I had never thought I could have had. What I now wanted and craved more than anything. Looking back on those days, those feelings had resided in my brain all along, I had just never understood them until that one instantaneous, enlightening and melodramatic kiss in the rain.