Theseus and Ariadne

The banquet had become dull for the younger generation.

For the older generation, it was quite passionate. King Minos of Crete had received King Aegeus with great ostentation. Further he spent most of the meal bragging about what a forward, cosmopolitan place Crete was, free of the nonsense and superstition which was to be found elsewhere in Greece. Aegeus had attempted to defend his kingdom, but that had only provoked a reminder from Minos about how Crete also had the best elocutionists.

But for Aegeus' son, Theseus, who had been brought to the banquet by his father, the banquet was quite dull. Moreover, he could tell that the banquet had become equally dull for Minos' daughter, Ariadne. Of course, boredom was not the only thing which made Theseus want to look at Ariadne. She happened to be quite beautiful with long dark hair and creamy skin and a large smile. Further, Theseus could not help noticing that the smile was directed at him several times during the meal.

When the banquet finally ended, and everyone was retiring to their apartments for the night, Ariadne managed to move in very close to Theseus and whisper, "Come up to my room later."

* * *

That night, when Theseus knocked on the door of Ariadne's room, Ariadne cracked the door open and ushered Theseus in. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I was afraid you wouldn't come." She sighed and sat on her bed. "You must think Crete is the most boring place in the world, but it isn't."

"I wouldn't say it's boring," said Theseus. "It has some extremely beautiful women."

Ariadne smiled and showed her dimples. " Believe me, if my father had his way, the beautiful women would be gone too, and probably the ugly women for that matter."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because he has stated quite clearly that women are the less accomplished sex, more emotional, less capable of brilliant thought, and all in all a hindrance to the greatest accomplishments of man." She paused and said, "Of course, he knows that without women, no society would last very long so he admits we're a necessary evil."

"What an unpleasant person!" said Theseus.

Ariadne nodded. "Do you know," she said changing the subject slightly, "what is is in the dungeon of this castle?"

"I hadn't heard anything. . ."

"The labyrinth. It's a maze designed by Icarus, the greatest architect in the world. Once you enter it, you wander and become lost so there is no way out."

Theseus shrugged. "Sounds like another thing your father would brag about."

"Make no mistake. He's very proud of it, but he's not so proud of what's inside of it."

"What's inside of it?"

That made Ariadne smile again. "My brother, or half-brother I suppose."

Her tone was rather clear. "Let me guess," said Theseus. "One of your parents had a child with a different person. . .and since I can't picture your father doing something like that, I'd say it was that your mother did the deed with another man."

"Very close to the truth," said Ariadne chuckling, "but not quite. You see, it wasn't a man."

She had Theseus' attention. "Go on. . ."

"Well, many years ago, every year, Crete had an important festival each spring, in which all of the women would strip themselves naked and dance around a bull."

"That sounds dangerous," commented Theseus.

"Perhaps, but they were careful to avoid injury." She sighed wistfully, "I would like to dance naked in springtime just once before I'm too old." Then, she seemed to become her old self again. "I'll bet you'd like to see me dance naked."

Theseus was a little embarrassed. "Is it showing on my face?"

"Not on your face," said Ariadne and she pointed to his crotch where there was a definite bulge. She pressed in closer and felt his chest. "Your chest feels like solid muscle," she said impressed.

"You can thank my father for that. He's been making me exercise and practice wrestling ever since I was twelve."

"I'll thank him. Would you like to take off your shirt?"

Now Theseus was really embarrassed. "Why don't you just finish your story?"

"Sure, well when my father became king, one of his first moves was to ban the bull dance on the grounds that it represented superstition, silliness, and a whole bunch of other things he was against. Well, the women of the kingdom wouldn't take that lying down. They decided to have a bull dance anyway even if they had to do it in the middle of the night. Eventually, my mother found out about this bull dance, but do you think she was a good wife and told my father about it? No. She decided that she would join the fun, and apparently she danced more enthusiastically and carelessly then anyone because the bull got her."

Theseus was horrified. "Surely, you don't mean she was gored to death." For Ariadne to describe such a thing so cavalierly would be wrong.

"No, of course, she wasn't killed. Although, she was struck by a very long part of the bull's anatomy. But it wasn't a horn. Nine months later, my brother was born."

Theseus shook his head. "That's impossible. A bull can't make a human woman--"

"That's what all my father's scientists said, but my brother had the body of a human and the head of a bull. They named him Minotaur. Minos' bull. My father was so upset, he had the Minotaur locked in the labyrinth so that nobody would ever find it and it would never find its way out."

Finishing her story, Ariadne smiled. "Oh well. Are you still feeling hard there?" She gently put her hand on his crotch. "Definitely. What do do you say we. . .undress." She unpinned her dress causing it to fall to the ground. Then, she put her arms around him and pulled him onto her bed.

Later, Theseus had to admit that he didn't remember what happened next very well. It all happened so quickly, but when it was over, he heard a loud knock, and someone calling, "what's going on in there?" The door burst open and two royal guards appeared. "Well, well. . ." said one of them. "King Minos should find this interesting."

* * *

"Now, see here, Minos," said King Aegeus. "They were only being teenagers." The two kings were seated in a private chamber of Minos' palace.

"Teenagers in your kingdom perhaps, but in Crete, even teenagers are wise, modest, and virtuous. Teenage boys anyway. Your son committed a disgusting outrage against my state. His life is forfeit."

Aegeus was starting to lose his temper. "Wasn't it partly your daughter's fault?"

"Indeed," said Minos nonchalantly, "Her life is forfeit too." He shrugged. "Don't look surprised. Just between you and and me, I've been looking for an excuse to get rid of that pest for years."

Aegeus felt his anger being replaced by shock. "So what are you going to do? Behead your own daughter? Hang her?"

"No. Beheading and hanging are too uncivilized for a place like Crete. I am going to lock both her and your son in the labyrinth."

"The labyrinth?"

"They will never be able to find their way out in a million years. Not that they'll have a million years," he said more solemnly. "That abomination which my wife bore will end their lives much sooner, I suspect."

* * *

Theseus was trying to be brave. Ariadne was sobbing as the two were marched to the gates of the labyrinth and forced to passed through. The gate slammed with a great clang.

"This is my fault," said Ariadne looking around at the dank walls.

"In a way, that's true," said Theseus.

"Well," said Ariadne, "I did manage to bring something that might save us." She reached under her clothes.

"A sword?" asked Theseus hopefully.

"Er. . .no. A ball of yarn." She held it up for Theseus to see.

Theseus was dumbfounded. "A ball of yarn? What good is that if we meet your brother?"

"None," Ariadne admitted, "but it can help us find our way back afterwards." She began unwinding it behind her as she walked.

"You know," said Theseus following her around a corner, "sometimes I think your father is a smart man."

"Excuse me," said Ariadne as they turned a second corner. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that women really can seem like more trouble then they're worth."

"Is that so?" said Ariadne turning a third corner. "Well then, don't follow me. Find your own way through this place." She stormed past one last corner and then she let out a scream.

"Is that a dead end?" Theseus asked running up to her.

"Worse," Ariadne admitted. And then Theseus saw what she was talking about. Standing before them in the passage was what looked like a strong man with the head of a large bull.

It snorted at them angrily.

"Hello," said Ariadne trying to be brave. "I'm your little sister. We've never met."

But the Minotaur clearly did not feel strong family attachments. It snorted again and danced around a bit demonstrating what it intended to do to them. Then, it lowered its head and came charging at them. Theseus managed to grab the horn and immediately was lifted into the air as the beast bucked upwards and began whipping him in circles before finally throwing him into the dust.

"Are you all right?" Ariadne asked running up to him.

"I think so," said Theseus picking himself up.

But the Minotaur looked angry now. Theseus struggled to his feet and faced the thing. Can't get around it, he thought. I'll just have to face it head onward. Taking a deep breath, he rushed at the Minotaur and grabbed it around the neck in a choke hold. He was an accomplished wrestler, but the Minotaur was far stronger then any sparring partner he had ever faced. Still, he exerted himself and hugged the Minotaur as hard as he could.

For a minute, it felt like every muscle in his body, including his heart, would pop out.

Then, there was a loud crack and the Minotaur fell limp because Theseus had broken its neck.

For a minute, Ariadne looked overjoyed. Then, she instantly regained her composure and said, "Well, I guess that was pretty impressive."

"Thank you," said Theseus panting for breath. "Do you think we can get out of here?"

"We can follow my ball of yarn."

"Good idea," admitted Theseus.

Ariadne gave him a cool look and began winding the yarn back up again. Theseus followed after her. "You know," he said following her around a corner, "this trick with the yarn was a good idea."

Ariadne looked at him again, but said nothing.

"I mean," said Theseus turning another corner, "having a woman with me in this adventure was kind of helpful."

That made Ariadne stop and look at him for an even longer moment, but she still went back to winding the yarn.

Turning the last corner, Theseus called out, "You know, you're lucky we met the Minotaur before we ran out of yarn."

That made her stop, look at him, and say, "I'm lucky?"

"Well, we're lucky."

Ariadne nodded and picked up the ball of yarn. "We made it," she said. "Here's the entrance." Then, she smiled a little. "Why don't you kiss me?"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, the two strode into the throne room of King Minos. All were taken aback, especially King Minos. "How could you have escaped? What of the Minotaur?"

"The Minotaur is dead," said Ariadne. "Theseus killed it with his bare hands."

Aegeus, who was still a guest at the court beamed proudly, and all the rest of the court were impressed too. They all applauded and cheered.

All except King Minos "Even if you could kill that thing. How could you escape my labyrinth?"

"I'll answer that," said Theseus. "The truth is I would never have gotten out of the labyrinth if not for Ariadne." Then, he told them all about Ariadne's trick with the ball of yarn.

Aegeus was the first to react. "Ha, Minos," he said with a laugh. "You bragged and bragged about how that labyrinth was designed by the world's greatest architect so that nobody could escape it, but it turns out a silly girl escaped with just a ball of yarn." Many in the court agreed and laughed.

"Father," said Theseus, "you will apologize for that remark. Er. . .not to Minos. Too Ariadne. She is not a silly girl. She is quite an exceptional girl." Then he turned to Minos. "Still, I agree with my father's point. That labyrinth is the silliest thing a monarch ever invested in." Then everyone except Minos laughed again.

* * *

Well, Minos was humiliated. In fact, not long after that, he decided to abdicate the throne and make Ariadne queen. And not long after she became queen, Crete got a new king. Do I have to tell you who that was?