Take a sad song and make it better pt 7

Jack

The room is dark, the blinds are closed but a little sunlight spills through. I glance at the clock, it says ten. I’ve slept for at least eight hours and the thing is, I actually slept. There were no interruptions or bad dreams where I watch my friends die over and over again, no I dream of her. As I lie still in the bed, grasping her arm lightly, I recall the dream. Just her and I sitting on this park bench laughing. I have zero idea what we were even talking about or what happens next but when I wake from this dream for the first time in weeks I don’t want to scream. I feel calm and relaxed as I close my eyes drifting off to sleep once more.
A couple of hours and one more peaceful sleep later I wake up again seeing it’s well into the afternoon and I don’t feel her arm around me anymore. When I turn over though I see her there still sleeping soundly and I breathe a sigh of relief. Quietly I observe her for a moment, her features soft and calm in the dim light. I glance at the clock it’s almost two, then I look at her once more. Why did she stay? Her answer didn’t necessarily make sense but at the time it felt good to hear. The fact that someone, even after I acted so insane, wanted to be around me made me feel better about this whole thing. Damn it why did I do that? I just hope my other friends are as understanding as Carter was because I don’t know what the hell I’ll do if they’re mad or worse afraid of me.
As I lay on my side watching Carter sleep I can’t help but wonder why I didn’t have any nightmares last night. In fact I was fighting the urge to go to bed so hard because I didn’t want to risk hurting her. If that would have happened I don’t know what I would have done. No one was there to peel me off of her if I went for her throat the way I did with Mike. I could have killed her. The idea sends a chill through my entire body as I stare at her beautiful face. Last night went so terribly wrong and I need to do whatever I can to make this stuff stop happening.
“Are you staring at me?” She soon asks though her eyes are still closed. I can’t help but laugh as she peaks one eye open.
“Sorry…” I say feeling my cheeks slightly blush but I turn away, laying on my back, so she doesn’t notice.
“It’s okay. I was staring at you earlier.” She replies with a smile, stretching and yawning then turning to face me. I know she just woke up and her hairs a little on the messy side but she does look strangely stunning right now. “How did you sleep?” For once when I hear that question I don’t tense up before answering.
“Ya know I realize you have no reason to believe me when I say this but last night I actually slept good. No bad dreams at all…” I tell her and when I glance in her direction I see the hesitancy in her face. “You don’t do you? Believe me?” My good mood is slowly turning sour at the idea of her thinking less of me because of last night. I know we’ve been friends for such a short period of time but her opinion seems to matter a lot to me. I don’t want her to think I’m this crazy shell shocked solider who can’t be a normal person, who can’t hear a loud sound without going batshit crazy and attacking his best friend. “I swear Carter, I was good last night. I had dreams sure, but they weren’t about Iraq or watching my brothers getting shot in the head over and over…” I stop because I realize that I’ve actually said that last part out loud. It’s then that I feel my leg ache, my left one, the one that’s not there anymore.
“Is that what happened?” When she asks this I see it again, pity in her eyes as she grabs my hand squeezing it tightly. Her face is soft but there is something there, fear maybe as she looks at me. I swallow hard trying not to let this get to me, to push on, like any solider should do.
“Can you not look at me like that?” I don’t mean to react this way but I can’t hide the anger in my voice. I pull my hand away and sit up swinging my legs over the side of the bed facing the opposite direction. I pull my hand up to the back of my neck and squeeze tightly trying to control my temper. I don’t want to get mad for something so dumb. She wants to help damn it, don’t push her away.
“What do you mean?” I feel her get up too, moving closer to me but I instinctively stand up, making the space between us farther. Yep I’m going to do it, I am going to scare her away. I’m going to get angry and make her leave. “Jack what are you trying to say? Use your words…” Damn it she’s patient, but there’s that look again.
“Like that!” I say louder then I should, but I can’t control myself. “I’m sorry.” I say taking a deep breath because she looks genuinely lost and a little hurt even by me shouting like that. “Damn it…”
“Just tell me what I’m doing wrong please Jack.” Man why is she trying so hard here? She should just leave, give up on whatever the hell this even is and let me be miserable by myself.
“I don’t want you to feel bad for me Carter. I don’t want you to look at me like I’m some wounded animal who needs to be taken care of because I don’t.” My tone is harsh and I am kind of yelling again but she still doesn’t back down. I watch as she stands from the bed, walking in my direction shaking her head clearly determined to make me listen to what she has to say.
“Jack shut up okay? Look I get it I’ve gotten those looks before too alright. I don’t think that you need to be rescued or saved. I just want to be here. I am here that’s all, so stop trying to piss me off so I’ll leave dude.” Her voice is light and there’s not a trace of annoyance in it which just throws me off because this is the opposite of what I expected. I don’t say anything though because I can see she’s has more on her mind. “Jack I know that whatever you went through sucked and it sucked hard…”
“You have a way with words don’t you.” I interrupt cracking a smile and laughing.
“Zip it soldier.” She fires back, not taking any bull shit. I like that. “My point is I went through something sucky too. Ok maybe they were two completely different situations but they both clearly kicked our asses. Sure in different ways but anytime you think I am doing something or I’m staying with you because you think I feel sorry for you I just want you to get one thing…ok?”
“What’s that?” She smiles at my question, glad that I’ve finally sort of backed down and decided to hear her out.
“That I’ve gone through the exact same thing man. People looking at me with tears in their eyes telling me how sorry they are for my loss, making me god damn food I never would eat even if my husband wasn’t dead and people who tried to babysit me because they were afraid I was going to like drown myself in a bathtub or something like I thought I was in fucking Romeo and Juliet.” She stops to take a breath and then moves again closing most of the space between us now. I keep my arms crossed but it doesn’t phase her, she steps a little closer looking up at me stubbornly not affected by my need to keep her at a distance. “I don’t feel sorry for you Jack. I just like you and want you to be okay and I am gonna stick around until you are alright? You just have to promise not to be an asshole to me on purpose because you think it’s best for me that we don’t see each other. I am a grown ass woman and I can make this choice for myself and I have so don’t do that okay?”
Now she is the one who crosses her arms and stands her ground, eyeing me with this fierce determination on her face that makes me smile. I sort of get the feeling people have been doing that sort of thing a lot since Eric died, telling her what to do, how to act and I get it. It’s frustrating as hell. I take a second and uncross my arms then reach out forcing her to do the same so I can hold her hands in mine. I see her relax again and smile at me, that one I wanted to see, the one I’d grown to love.
“Carter you are a grown ass woman…” I begin and we both laugh but I continue, glad she said all those things. It made me feel a hell of a lot better. “And I promise I won’t be an ass and push you away but the thing is I might do it instinctively okay? So if I do just do exactly this alright, just call me on my bull shit because sometimes I can’t control it.” I watch as she nods quietly, still grinning sweetly. “Good, because I kinda like having you around, so if I do ever say something stupid just remember that. Remember that I do want you here even if I say I don’t because I can’t guarantee I am not gonna do that again.” I liked this whole totally honest thing we were doing. In fact it was incredibly refreshing not beating around the bush just putting it all out there.
“Don’t worry Jack I have no problem calling you out if I need to and speaking of that…” Yep here comes the topic I was trying so desperately to avoid but I know I can’t do that much longer, not with Carter. “You have to talk about what happened eventually because that’s the only damn way you’re going to be able to get better. That’s all we want for you is to feel okay here, feel safe and again I get it talking about things isn’t easy but sometimes you gotta just suck it up and do it if you want to be alright again.” Everything she’s saying makes perfect sense but I know I still need more time. I need a second to actually think about what I’ve been through, I need to address my issues with my dad on my own and once I figure it out I can bring it up. That’s the only way I know how to handle this.
“I will. I just need time.” I respond quietly as I look down at the floor, feeling a little anxious again. Carter releases one of my hands and uses hers to lift my face back up so she can look me in the eyes.
“I’m going to do something right now and I need you to not ask me why and we don’t have to talk about it or over think it ok?” I look at her curiously wondering what she means but I nod anyway. After letting my other hand go she places that one on my face as well, running one through my hair which feels kind of amazing. She’s still just looking at me, her brown eyes strangely sure, a look I haven’t see on her before. I like it though. Moments later I feel her pull my face down to her so she can press her lips firmly to mine. It’s strange but kind of nice, her kissing me. I know had made a move the night before but it was all wrong, that kiss, I was not in my right mind and she was caught off guard. This though, this moment is right. The kiss is short and simple but sort of perfect. I don’t know what she’s thinking, hell I don’t think she knows, but I am glad she did that and as she pulls away our faces just sort of linger closely.
“Why did you do that?” I feel the need to ask and I feel her smile but not answer right away. Instead she leans in once more for a quick peck then steps back completely releasing me and heading towards the other side of the room.
“Because I wanted to.”

Carter

“What the hell does that even mean Carter?” I take a deep breath as I listen to Natalie rant and rave, giving me the third degree after I tell her what happened between Jack and I. “You wanted to kiss him?”
“Yes.” I answer simply because really there wasn’t much else to say. When I heard what he had to say, how he felt about even just the way I was looking at him I had never related to someone more. I understand why he’d be frustrated though, so he needed to get that. Sure my words made sense, but I kind of felt like actions spoke louder in this case.
“Alright but again what does that mean? Are you guys like together or…”
“No…maybe…kind of?” Yeah I didn’t have an answer because I had no damn idea. Honestly I was fine with it though. “I just want to talk to him and hang out with him but other then that there’s not much more to it Nat.” I can tell by her facial expression that this is not a sufficient response and as she takes a seat at the chair across from me I know I’m in for another lecture. She has always done this, acted like a mom and though it annoyed the hell out of me I mostly didn’t mind. My mom hadn’t been around very much when I was little, she worked a lot so our relationship was pretty complicated. I never really had someone to tell me right from wrong until I met Natalie. Ten years old and she’s telling me exactly how to make the diorama in science class, speaking like she knows everything and I kind of learned to just follow her lead. It wasn’t till Eric had transferred to our school three years later that I realized I could occasionally stand up to her. She meant well though, I always knew that, she just had to be reminded to shut up from time to time. “Look I know it doesn’t make sense to you…”
“No it doesn’t Carter. I set you up with him, this is my fault damn it. He’s not a bad guy and I was wrong for saying all of those things the other night, but I just don’t think you’re ready for all of that yet.” I look around her kitchen, it’s neat and clean and decorated beautifully. The colors are simple and elegant, just like Natalie, and then I spot her wedding photo across the room. I see her and Mike, how happy they are, and the rest of the bridal party including myself and Eric on their sides making these ridiculous faces just having a great freaking time. I glare at my husband for a moment, and sigh. The weird thing is, I think that he’d have some great advice for me right now on how to handle of this. I can’t do this though, get stuck in my head, he always told me not to do that damn it. “Maybe you should just take a little more time, let Jack get some help.”
“He’s getting help. I’m going with him to his session today actually…”
“What?” I know it’s weird and her face says that clear enough.
“I told him I’d come. I mean I’m not gonna like sit in there with him. I’m just gonna wait outside. I thought it’d make it easier for him, knowing he had a friendly face waiting for him.” Believe me I’m aware of how strange it sounds, but I just want to help. He didn’t seem to be weirded out by the suggestion so I took that as a good sign. “Natalie stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” She can’t hide her concern even if she tried and naturally she’s going to give her opinion so better sooner then later.
“Just say what you’re thinking now, ok? Get it over with.” I take a sip of my coffee hoping what she has to say isn’t too harsh, because it’s early and I’m tired. Ok I did get a good nights rest, but I’ll be damned if she finds out that was because Jack stayed over again. This was kind of becoming a habit, these weird little sleepovers, but the thing is we’ve both benefited from it to be honest. Each of us sleeps right through the night, his nightmares are almost completely gone and I haven’t felt that annoying depression that came from looking at the empty side of the bed in the weeks since this started.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get tangled up in all of his issues. I don’t want you guys to form this weird codependent relationship where you need the other person to function…it’s not healthy.” Her words strike a chord in me because I don’t want that either and alright it might seem that way to other people but it’s not like that. We just like being around each other, plain and simple.
“Look neither of us are trying to rescue the other…we just get along and like being together. I mean this is what you wanted right? Huh? For me not to sit inside and cry like a little bitch because I miss my dead husband?” I don’t mean to but I snap a little at her. I know she’s not trying to piss me off but I’m tired of talking about this.
“Carter…”
“Nat…let’s just talk about anything else okay? Anything but me and Jack.” I’d thought about this all enough and if I over analyzed this relationship any further I was going to lose my mind. Natalie looks at me hesitantly and I can tell she wants to talk about it for the next twenty minutes, but thankfully she listens.
“Fine. New topic…vacation.” Crap. I forgot about this trip for the fourth of july, the one I couldn’t really afford right now.
“Yeah…I mean I want to go, but being a broke widow doesn’t really provide the funds.” I had been searching for a job but shit there wasn’t much I was qualified for at this point. I’d gone to college, but got a degree in of course liberal arts. I had no idea throughout school what I even wanted to do when I grew up and truthfully I still have zero clue. It’s frustrating as hell too, because this meant retail and lots of customer service which would be fine if customers weren’t such ass hats.
“I told you that place around the block from me was hiring…”
“Nat…that’s a funeral home.” Bless her for trying, but jesus.
“No, no not that one. It’s a receptionist job for an advertising agency.” That didn’t sound too bad, but my multitasking skills were very limited which was why I was such a mess in the kitchen. “I think you should give it a shot, because I don’t know how much longer that roommate of yours is going to want you around if you’re not paying any rent.”
“Oh please his parents pay the whole damn thing, he just wanted a roommate for company which is ironic since we barely spend any time together…”
“Well you need to start bringing home the damn bacon because we are all gonna be down the shore for the fourth of july and you don’t wanna be stuck home alone. You know this place turns into a ghost town that weekend.” She was right but the funny thing is I don’t think that I’d mind being stuck here. Jack had mentioned that he was in the same position, so I wouldn’t be completely alone.
“I think I’ll survive Nat.”
Jack
“Hey thanks for meeting me man.” Mike says after grabbing the coffee from the guy behind the counter. He motions to a table beside the window and I follow his lead. “I just wanted to talk about the other night.”
“Yeah, I figured.” I swallow hard as avoid eye contact with my oldest friend. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t…I wasn’t gonna…” I can’t find the right words and kind of fumble as I try to apologize, but Mike shakes his head cutting me off before I can continue.
“No that’s the thing Jack, that’s why I wanted to talk to you. I’m not pissed, why would I be? It wasn’t your fault…”
“Yes it was.” I say harsher then I intended, gripping my coffee cup tightly. I can see Mike is a little thrown by my response but I do what Carter told me to do as I felt my self growing more anxious by the second. One deep breath, and count down from ten and it helps. I’ll have to figure out a way to thank her for that tip. “Mikey, I get that you want to make me feel better, like I didn’t do something wrong, that it’s all gonna be okay…but it’s just not true. We both have to accept that buddy, but I’m gonna fix that, I’m going to get the help I need so things like that just don’t happen again.” There’s something kind of relieving about saying these things and knowing that it might be true. As long as I don’t ignore the problem there is a good chance it could go away. “Hey I even considered talking to my dad again…he sent me an email.” I could talk about him with Mike, he knew how our relationship worked, or well didn’t work.
“Oh really?” He asks his eyebrows rising in surprise. “What did it say?”
“Well Mikey, baby steps my friend. First I figure out my own shit, then I’ll move on to that.” I respond glancing at my phone as I feel it vibrate. It’s Carter and I see she’s sent some type of picture. I click on it, and I see what I think is a sloth wearing this ridiculously creepy grin (but hilarious at the same time). Then I read the words written on said photo that say “Good night. Keep your butthole tight.” And it’s a good thing that I wasn’t drinking my coffee in that moment because I would have spit it out from laughing. “Jesus Christ…” I say to myself still laughing a little and then realize that Mike is still sitting across from me. “Sorry…Carter just sent me the most ridiculous thing…” I look up and see that Mike is grinning at me like an idiot. “What?” I ask curiously after sending Carter a quick message back telling her the how much I truly enjoyed that dumb thing.
“Who’re ya talking to?” When he asks this he almost sounds like a little kid about to accuse Carter and I of sitting in a tree with that whole K-I-S-S-I-N-G crap. I roll my eyes and ignore whatever he’s trying to insinuate.
“Shut up Mike.” I say taking another sip of my coffee, hoping he drops the topic but knowing that of course he won’t.
“I think you liiike her.” He says smiling like an idiot and I just throw a sugar packet at him, hitting the guy square in the face. We both just crack up because it’s not like I can deny it. Not many people have gotten this close to me in no less then two weeks, but hell I like having her around what can I say?
“Shut up.” I say again glancing down at my phone once more because Carter has sent back one of those little winky faces and a pretty cheesy smile spreads across my face. “She stayed Mikey…” When I think about that night, what I put everyone through I can feel my entire body tense up. It was bad, it was really bad. In fact it would have sent most people running for the door, but not Carter.
“I know she did man. She’s got a very big heart, and she is certainly not one for giving up on a person easily.” As he said these things I couldn’t help but get the feeling he was speaking from experience.
“What do ya mean?” I ask curiously as I take one last glance at my phone sort of wanting to talk to her some more, but that would be rude so I make sure I give Mike my full attention.
“Well I never told you this but if it wasn’t for her Nat and I probably wouldn’t be together let alone married. I owe her a lot…”
“So you repay her with me? Good job dumb ass.” I say half joking but he knows I mean it. I like her a lot sure but I still don’t see how I’m good enough to even share the same air as that girl. Maybe the guy I used to be, before I shipped out the first time, before I held my first gun….but now I’m the last guy she should be with. Mike smiles half heartedly as he looks down at his cup of coffee, before speaking again he takes a long pause.
“Jack…” He finally says as he glances up at me. “You’re not a bad person, you know that right?” I don’t know how to respond because I don’t know the answer. It’s never a question I’ve asked myself because the truth scared the hell out of me.
“Listen I am going to attempt to say this the only way I know how to at this point, Mikey.” I look around the coffee shop for a moment, gathering my thoughts just hoping it all makes sense to my friend. The place is pretty crowded, everyone out and about starting off their day with some over priced cup of coffee with too much milk, but they all look strangley happy, content even. Who knows though? Maybe they’ve all got their own crap too. “The guy you know…the one you grew up with who would punch guys in the face for you after you decided to stand up to the biggest guy on the football team because he called you skinny…” We both laugh at the memory, Mike was always getting himself into trouble that I had to get him out of. “The thing is, he’s still here. At least I think he is, or hell maybe I left him somewhere over in the middle of that damn desert the first time I shot someone.” I didn’t intend to be so blunt, but thankfully mike didn’t seem to be too freaked out by that. “So no I don’t think I’m good anymore Mikey and I haven’t been for a long time…”
I start to trail off, sort of getting lost in all of those bad thoughts again. It aches like hell where my left calf used to be and all I want to do I scream. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have given that order. It was stupid and reckless. My knee begins to bounce up and down, and I’m desprately itching to get out of this damn coffee shop suddenly finding everyone’s smiling faces as some type of threat to my sanity.
“Ya know Jack just because you’re not good anymore…it doesn’t mean you can’t be again.” His words bring me back down, as I slowly grow calm once more. It makes sense right? I don’t have to be this way forever. I can be good again. Right?
Carter
I look at my watch as I hop out of the cab on my way back from Natalie’s place. Our breakfast had ran a little longer then I had meant it to but she wanted to fill me in on this new teacher they hired at the prep school she worked at on the upper west side. Apparently she’s gorgeous but doesn’t keep it in her pants. She likes the guys and flirts with every male in the school which drives Natalie crazy because though she will never admit it she liked that all the guys there had crushes on her. With her wavy strawberry blonde hair and legs for miles she was certainly used to being the center of attention and had been since we were kids. Basically she was not okay with this chick, Leila, stealing her thunder. Sure it wasn’t the most exciting story but she clearly had to vent and hell that’s what friends are for right?
The only thing is again she likes to go on and eventually it was after ten and Jack was going to be here in like fifteen minutes. I was still in the same clothes he had seen me in this morning and though I don’t think he would care too much I kind of felt like in order to go out in public once more I should probably change. So I race up to the apartment and bust through the door, thankful it was open because I could not find my damn keys.
“Jesus Christ slow down Carter.” Justin says once I’m inside and I immediately slip on the tile floor that he just finished mopping apparently.
“Son of a bitch!” I shout as I slam my elbow in the ground and land hard on my ass. I fight back the tears as I attempt to make my way to my feet. “One of those yellow caution signs would have been handy don’t ya think?” I say smiling through my pain as he helps me up. “Crap that hurt.” I look down at my elbow which doesn’t look back however it does feel like it’s going to be a pretty nasty bruise.
“Hey so I hate to kick you while you’re down but we need to talk.” Justin says pulling out a chair at the kitchen table for me. I take a seat hesitantly because his face looks oddly serious as opposed to the annoyed look he always sports.
“What’s up?” I ask feeling a strange pit growing in my stomach. I just get this weird feeling I am not going to like what he has to say but he continues.
“I just thought I should let you know that at the end of the summer, my boyfriend you know? Patrick…” I nod my head thinking of the very cute, very friendly caramel skinned fella he’s brought over on many occasions. Patrick was always sweet to me and with those dimples, certainly easy on the eyes. “Well he and I are going to be moving in together.” At his words my stomach drops. What so now I can add homeless to never ending list of problems?
“That’s great, um and no problem I can be outta here by then for sure. Is there a specific date?” My mind is racing though I keep my composure cool and collected in front of Justin. I am slightly freaking out but I don’t want him to know that.
“Yeah, September 9th.” He responds with a sad smile but I have no idea if he even gives a damn or just feel sorry for poor pathetic Carter.
“Alright works for me.” I tell him wearing my bravest smile and then I feel the sting in my elbow. It’s all I can do not to cry right there in that chair because turns out being kicked while you’re already down does in fact hurt like a bitch. “Excuse me, I have to go change real quick, Jack’s gonna be here any second.” As I stand I feel the pain in my tailbone as well and I curse under my breath, but then swiftly make my way to my room where I can react to this shitty news. I close the door behind me, leaning against it closing my eyes trying not to fall apart but a tear escapes and falls down my cheek. “Shit.” I say to myself but then the vibration from my phone snaps me out of it for a second. It’s Jack. He’s downstairs. I pull myself together and run towards the closet trying to find anything presentable to wear in public because it happens to be laundry day which managed to slip my mind again.
I spot an old pair of overalls which I think I wore one time because I felt like it was good bedroom painting attire and then a few dresses that were cute and flowery and well I kind of hated at this point. They were from like two summers ago when I thought I looked good in those sort of things but these days my thighs are not quite as in shape as they used to be so they’re out. I continue to look but that is when I stop dead in my tracks. There is something in there, something I haven’t seen in a very long time and my reaction does not go so well.
I pace back and forth in my room finding myself having a mini panic attack, because the last thing that needed to happen right now has happened. I was just trying to get ready damn it, then boom there’s that stupid hoodie Eric loved so much. I thought I had gotten rid of most of his things, given them to his family because it was too damn hard having it all lying around in this new place of mind that was meant for a fresh start, but I guess I just forgot this one damn hoodie. It’s red and soft, with these white strings that hang down. I can see him in it in my mind, twirling the strings around and occasionally chewing on them. I always told him to quit that, it was gross but now as I look at the small bite marks he left I was strangely glad he didn’t stop. I know that sounds weird but I liked seeing them there knowing he was real. He did exist.
I stop moving and carefully wrap the jacket around my body pulling it tighter, breathing in the scent. It still smelled exactly like the cologne he used to wear, the one I loved. I inhaled deeply, trying to get a hold of myself but I can’t and I just sort of plop down on the floor beside me bed. I sit there pulling the fabric tighter, almost feeling Eric’s arms around me. I’m freaking out and I can feel the pain burning inside of me. I want to cry but I can’t even move. I’m stuck. Tears line my eyes but they don’t fall as I push the lump in my throat away.
“Carter?” I hear a voice say but I don’t respond. I’m in a trance, spiraling down into the sad depressed person I had been only a month ago. I don’t want this to happen again damn it, I have to be strong. I try to breath, counting slowly in my mind like always but it’s not working this time. “Carter…hey…Justin let me in…” I’m staring straight ahead when I see Jack walk through my door way and I know I have to pull it together. I don’t want him to see me like this and think that he can’t be okay if even I can’t get my shit together.
“I’m fine.” I say wanting to hop to my feet to greet him, but I can’t my body is still sort of stuck. My racing heart begins to even out and at the sight of him I feel myself begin to come down, but I don’t know what else to say. I can see the concerned look on his face, but he quickly hides it was a playful smirk.
“I know you are.” He responds calmly as he approaches me leaning down and sitting by my side. I pull my knees closer so my I can rest my chin on them. Jack reaches a hand out placing it on my back and stroking it comfortingly. I feel all of that anxiety melt away as I close my eyes and just focus on his hand moving up and down. It feels nice. I swallow hard, pushing the tears away. “So I was thinking…” My eyes are open and I’m looking up at Jack, his blue eyes sort of hypnotizing in that moment. “Today, after this whole therapy thing which we both know is gonna suck…” We both laugh and I can feel myself getting back to normal. “Afterwards we do something fun, just something to take our minds off of all this crap and have a day that doesn’t end with either of us having a mental breakdown.” I laugh again shaking my head and leaning into Jack resting my head against his shoulder and taking one long deep breath. He rubs my back a little more but stops to pull me closer. I like this, being in his arms. I feel strangely safe.
“I think that sounds like a fantastic idea Jack.” I glance up at him smiling and he grins back then kisses me on the forehead before standing up from the floor holding a hand out for me. I take it and follow his lead realizing I still have Eric’s hoodie on and well I kind of don’t want to take it off still. It is however extremely hot outside and I wouldn’t make it a block before sweating through the damn thing.
“Here let me get that…” Jack says a moment later and reaches an arm out to help me take the hoodie off. I don’t know if he’s even aware of the thoughts that were going through my head at that moment, but I find myself letting him remove it without any further hesitation.
“Thanks.” I tell him smiling as he nods and I take the hoodie back in my hand, holding onto it for one more minute then toss it back into my closet. I don’t look back either as Jack just leads the way out of my room, his hand finding mine once more and as our fingers intertwine I can feel myself breath again. It’s a good freaking feeling. Sure I’m going to be homeless in two months but in this moment I am okay, and that’s because of Jack. This is certainly a weird relationship but I like it, I really do.