Little Red Cap

Once there was a girl named Little Red Cap. (They called her that because she wore a red cap. Don't ask me why this kid was named after her clothes. People in fairytales have strange names sometimes.) Anyway, one day, Little Red Cap's mother said to her, "Little Red Cap, your grandmother is sick. I want you to bring her this basket of goodies."

And Little Red Cap said, "Aw Ma, Do I have to? Grandma is so disgusting. Why can't you go?"

And Mother said, "Because I put up with that woman for twenty years before I was able to get my own place and move out, so now it's your turn."

And Little Red Cap sulked but she took the basket and went into the woods. On the way to Grandmother's house, she met a big bad wolf.

"Hello, Little Red Cap, I am the Big Bad Wolf."

"Oh hi," said Little Red Cap.

"Where might you be going my dear?"

"To my Grandmother's."

"And where does your grandmother live?"

"In that cottage across the woods."

"Ah," said the wolf. "Very nice indeed."

The wolf had concocted a plan to eat both Little Red Cap and her Grandmother. As villainous plans go, it wasn't all that creative, but then he was just a wolf. Anyway, as soon as he had left Little Red Cap, he took one of those shortcuts that only wolves know about to get to grandmother's house. When he got there, he knocked on the door and Grandmother called out, "Who is it?"

"It's Little Red Cap," lied the wolf.

"Little Red Cap? Your voice sounds terrible."

Now, the wolf didn't like that. He had always been rather vain about his voice. In fact, he sometimes did voice-over spots for PBS as a sideline, but he decided to just say, "I've brought you some goodies from Mom."

"Oh," said Grandmother, "now your mother sends me some goodies. For the past six months, she could only visit me twice and now when I'm lying sick in bed, she sends me a basket of goodies and she can't even be bothered to bring them over herself. Well, don't just stand outside. Come on in." When the wolf came in, grandmother looked at him critically. "Little Red Cap? And I thought you soundedbad, but look at you."

"I beg your pardon," said the wolf, "but there is nothing wrong with the way I look."

"Nothing wrong with the way you look? You've got to be kidding me. I mean, grandparents are supposed to think their grandchildren look beautiful, but you have to be the most hideous kid I've seen in a long time. Well, I guess that figures considering your mother--"

The wolf decided it was good time to eat Grandmother, so he did. Then, he put on grandmother's clothes and got into her bed.

When Little Red Cap arrived, he said in his best grandmother voice, "Come in."

Little Red Cap came in and saw him lying in bed. "Grandma," she said, "What big eyes you have!"

"The better to see you with my dear."

"Grandma, what big ears you have!"

"The better to hear you with my dear."

"And Grandma, what a big nose you have!"

"A big nose? Why you little pipsqueak! I'm going to eat you up." Then he leaped out of the bed realizing that it would probably have been better to just eat Little Red Cap in the first place and skip the melodramatic drag show.

Little Red Cap ran out of the cottage into the woods calling, "Help! Help! A wolf is chasing me!"

Fortunately, there was a woodcutter nearby. When he heard Little Red Cap crying out, he said, "Yo Wolf! Knock it off." And he brought his ax down on the wolf killing him.

"Thank you, so much," panted Little Red Cap.

"Eh Forget about it," said the woodcutter.

Then Little Red Cap thought of something else. "My grandmother must still be in that wolf's stomach."

"No problem. I'll get her out." Before Little Red Cap could stop him, he chopped open the wolf's stomach and pulled Grandmother out.

"Well, isn't that a fine how-do-you-do," said Grandmother. "I'm sitting there rotting in a wolf's belly, but does anyone care? No. Do you have any idea what it's like in a wolf's belly? All hot and dark. I need a beer."

Little Red Cap looked at the woodcutter. "Did anyone tell you to let her out?"

"Oh Sorry," said the woodcutter.

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