Never an option

Never an option - Andie McLeod

- Chapter 1 -

"I'm almost ready, just give me a minute to finish my face."
"No rush Liv, just when you're ready."
"Who are you and what have you done with my Gray?" I smile and meet his eye in the mirror, he smiles back but it does not reach his eyes, he turns and leaves the bathroom.
Watching as he walks through our bedroom a fresh wave of worry washes over me, he is just not himself lately. The last couple of months he has not been the fun loving man that I fell in love with, so withdrawn and flat. He insists he is fine, just the stress of a big project at work. Hmmm... I hope I can have him back soon.
I quickly apply the finishing touches to my make up, grab my bag off the bed and join Graham in the living room where he is staring into the backyard, lost deep in thought. I walk up behind him and slide my hands up under his shirt along his side, I feel the ripples of his toned abdomen and hug him tightly from behind. I love the heat of his skin on mine, I take in his intoxicating scent, all man mixed with the fresh scent of shower and deodorant. Heaven.
Graham turns in my arms and draws me close, he looks deep into my eyes and I'm shocked to see my Gray there, full of passion and love, oh how I have missed him.
"Liv, nothing would have made me happier than if I could be your husband." His mouth takes mine rough and deep, like he will never get enough of me and I'm lost to him. He pulls back, takes my hand and walks me to the door; it is time to go to dinner. Ahhh... who cares about dinner

Something is wrong, something is so very wrong. My little Pulsar seems too small for us as we head to the restaurant. Graham withdrew again the second we left the house. I can sense his angst; the tension in the air is palpable. I cannot speak. I have no words. I am so confused; this couldn't be further from the man that just told me that he couldn't wait to be my husband. No. He didn't say couldn't wait. What did he say? Nothing would have made me happier than if I could be your husband.
Nothing would have made me happier.
Nothing WOULD HAVE made me happier. Shit.
I feel the air leave my lungs and I don't seem to remember how to breathe in. My heart beat quickens, I'm sweating and I can feel panic building and I cannot be in this car a second longer. Pulling over quickly I jump from the car, gasping for air. I think I'm having an anxiety attack, I'm not sure I've never had one before.
         "Liv, what are you doing?" the first words he has spoken to me since we got in the blasted car. I must look a fright because as he turns to look at me I see shock register on his face. He is out of the car in a second and by my side.
"Olivia? Olivia? What's wrong? What are you doing?" I can hear the concern in his voice, but at the moment I can only concentrate on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out. "What the hell Olivia, you're scaring me, tell what's wrong with you." In. Out. In. Out. I realize I'm pacing up and down the footpath, thankfully there is no one around at this time of the evening. Graham grabs me by the shoulders and turns me to face him, "Liv you need to tell me how I can help."
         Looking up at him I am suddenly not panicked, I'm angry. "Don't touch me Graham." His hands drop like I've burned him. I never call him Graham.
         "Liv, what's happened?"
         "Don't Liv me Graham."
"Wh..."
"No Graham! What the hell is going on with you? You haven't been right for months, we haven't been right for months. Your barely speaking to me. For the first time in who know how long I could feel your passion burning for me, only to have you tell me 'Nothing would have made me happier than if I could be your husband'. What the fuck is that? What is that?" I might be getting a little bit hysterical.
"Not here Olivia."
"Not here? Ha! Well it's here or nowhere Graham because I'm not going anywhere until this is sorted out. I can't keep living in limbo waiting around for you to throw me a scrap. Tell me what's going on."
"Please, just get in the car."
"Oh it must be good if you don't want to make a scene in the street."
"Don't do that Liv, don't make this harder."
I walk around and climb back in behind the wheel as Graham jumps in the passenger seat. He is looking out the window, in fact he is looking anywhere as long as it's not at me. "So who is she?" Of course there has to be another woman, he is having an affair. What else could it be?
He turns on me and growls, "there is no one else Olivia, you should know better than that." the anger on his face shocks me, but I know his thoughts on cheating. He watched his mother suffer through one cheating partner after the next and would never inflict that on anyone.
"Well what is it then?" I really don't think I want to hear this but it needs to be resolved. Right now. "Just tell me what's wrong and we will work it out Gray." It'll be okay, I'll help him though whatever it is that he's going through and we will be stronger than ever.
His face softens, my Gray is back but I don't see burning passion and desire, instead sadness and despair. "Liv I thought I could do this, but I can't." My heart skipped a beat. "I thought that I loved you and you loved me and that was all that mattered." The problem is he doesn't love me, he doesn't want me. There is no fixing this. I don't know what to say to him, so I say nothing. I'm not sure if I can feel my arms. I watch as tears roll down his cheeks, it occurs to me I have never seen Graham cry before. Five and a half years and I've never seen him cry. A touch my face I'm crying too. Five and a half years and he is ending it here in the car, parked somewhere, I have no idea where. On the way to my best friends birthday dinner. "I can't imagine my life without you, but I can't bring myself to stay. You deserve to be happy Liv, you will figure out what makes you happy and you can't be with me to do it." He really just did that. He just ended out relationship and broke off our engagement for my happiness. I can't stay here and keep listening to this. I don't know how to speak so I reach down and take that beautiful diamond ring off my finger, the symbol of our undying love, I take it off and sit it on the dash.

How am I going to get home? Actually scratch that, where am I going to go? I'm not going back to our house. Ever. Where we were building a life together, were we were going to live as husband and wife, where we were going to raise a family. I will never go back there. It's getting late and it's so dark. If I find a bar I could just have a drink and think about it - if I had my handbag. I remember getting out of the car and walking. Graham tried to follow me for a while, but I wouldn't speak. I just kept on walking. So he left. I don't have my car, or my handbag, or my phone. I don't even recognise this area. What am I going to do?
         "O, there you are. I've been worried I wouldn't find you."
         Relief washes over me, "Logan. I... Gray..." Logan grabs me and lifts me into his arms. I finally let go, the sobbing comes uncontrollably, Logan is here to be strong for me now.