Lost

Well, inspiration can actually come from the most random bookmarks in your browser. The first year officially ended a while ago, yet it doesn’t quite feel like it is. I still am just the same lazy bucket load of crap as I was. I don’t have even the slightest bit of a clue to why in heavens name am I even typing this out. Okay, I do know, I admit (guiltily). I am envious, I think. Afraid more like it. Seriously, look at the world, so many brilliant people, with a vocabulary a million times better than mine. The people who conduct the SATs will be like, who the fuck are you. I wonder if I actually wonder ? I mean do I think as much as I say I do? Or am I even capable of “handling grave situations” like I flaunt around in front of people? Frankly, as much as I hate to admit it, I am a big coward, running away from responsibilities, people, my utterly underused brain and life in a nutshell. I wish, I hope that things happen magically, choosing to ignore the fact that I can make the magic happen if I move my butt. Sigh. I do not know where I am going with life, I have no plans, the ones that I had were just like my imaginary courage, they disappeared. Gone, into nothingness. I have excuses for everything. From picking up my clothes and putting them in the cupboard to studying. Studies, my doom they shall be.

Is it true? What my mother says? That you only do things if you want to do them. But I want to study, I just don’t want to. I am so dazed by even the thought of hard work that I escape into my dream world every single chance I get. Novels, television, laptop, phone, you name it. And knowing that I get dumber each passing moment that I use them, I do nothing about it. Nothing. Nada. Rien. Different languages, same meaning.

There certain precious minutes that I do get all flared up with these bursts of motivation. They last a very short while. Shorter than the time it takes to cook an egg sunny side up. Cooking, another one of the things I desperately want to pursue, but I don’t have the balls to fight for it. I have been given everything, you name it. All I did was ask, and I got it. Yet even when I have everything I lay still, doing nothing. This word, again.



I had ideas once, or at least I thought I did. I give my input even when its painfully obvious that it isn't needed. Yet I strive to come back in the spotlight, and then I run away as soon as the light touches me. Its like living on the edge of adventure, just without any adventure what so ever. The light burns me, but the pain is something I’d kill to experience again. I know it isn't good for me. I am an addict. I get addicted and obsessed with anything I like. So many thing, good opportunities brush past me, and yet my heart refuses to catch them and go with the flow. Every thought In my mind is debated. Both sides looked at. Pros and cons. And yet I choose to stand still. Keeping up a whirlpool of lies isn't even a task for me any more. Its origin is embedded so deep in the sea of my life, that it is painstakingly impossible to even try to stop it from sucking in my world. I feel as if I am dead inside. The negativity that was once non-existent, is taking over me. I am swirling in the black waters of the dark sea. When will I improve, when will I get up, on my own. Why do I need a cane to walk? Why cant I just be someone I want to be. When will I rise up from the darkness that I gave birth to on my own? When will be myself again ?