Everything

I have so many thoughts and feelings
that no one knows about
the thoughts and feelings
that no one knows about
are the thoughts and feelings
that are to personal to share
at the moment
I feel like my heart is beyond repair
like my life is slipping through my hands
sometimes I wounder if I'll ever find someone
who I will love with all of my heart
who will love me with all of their heart
I feel like my family
my home
consists of only me
I feel like everything is slipping through my hands
Words are slipping away from me
I can't find the words to describe
what I am feeling
what I am thinking
but more than anything
what I am feeling
I want a family so badly
The family I have
isn't the family I am looking for
I'm looking for the family
who understands where I am
who understands that not everything can be expressed
who is just there
when you need someone to be there
when you need someone to not say a word
when you need someone to just be there
when you have no words, and don't need to hear anything
Everything feels so distant
I'm not ready to take college classes again
I'm not sure
that I am ready for a relationship
with my parents or brother
'cause I know they don't understand
what it's like to be me
what it's like to live in a place
that doesn't accept me
for who I am
The words to explain everything
that I think and feel
are there
but won't be understood
by the people that need to understand them the most
everything is so unclear to me
nothing makes sense to me anymore
all these feelings
and all these thoughts
that I have
are all jumbled up inside of me
The words seem to have disapeared from me
and the only place that they come out correctly
the only place where they are understood
is in my head
is in the perfect world that doesn't exist yet
is in the worlds I have created
as a writer
I keep putting everything inside of me
into my writing
hoping that then it will make sense
but then I feel so empty
And when I feel so empty
I feel like there's nothing worth holding onto anymore
and I've lost all signs of hope
I've lost all signs
that things will get better
And when I feel empty
I feel so far from home
I don't know that I ever found home
after all
my family doesn't always understand me
the way I do
when I write about everything I think and feel
and I'm searching for the thing that will save me
from all this hurt
that I am feeling
and know that I shouldn't feel this often
You wounder why I am such a loner
it's 'cause nobody understands
what it's like to be me
'cause no one can really understand
what it's like to be misunderstood
every day of your life
when all you want is understanding
and all you want is love
and all you want is a family
instead of the lonliness you feel
instead of the hurt you feel
instead of the pain you feel
instead of the tears that run down your face every single night
as you wish for the things you always wanted
that no one is willing to give you
yet I keep holding on
hoping that someday things will change
hoping that someday I will find somthing worth holding onto
hoping that someday I will find the family
that understands the pain I've felt
that understands the hurt I've felt
that understands the tears that run down your face every single night
that won't give up on you
even when the going gets tough
it has to happen someday
right?
Sometimes I think of letting go
but then I remember
all the good things
and I hold on with all my might
even though it hurts so much
'cause no one understands
the pain
the hurt
the tears
the lonliness
the things I want
all they see
is a woman
that is good at a few things
but has nothing
to show for all the effort
that she has put into life
and doesn't have the family that understands
what it's like
to want things so badly
but to not be able to reach them
so why does she keep hanging on?
'cause she is willing to put up
with the pain
with the hurt
with the tears
and with the lonliness
that she deals with on a daily basis
to find the people that are her family
because they are the ones who care
because they are the ones
who understand
her pain and her
her tears and lonliness
in a way that the people
who she is related to by blood don't understand
the people who understand
and who care
and who aren't related to her
by blood
are the ones that she considers
her family
'cause they are the ones who
do everything
that your biological family
is supposed to do