Just As I Wanted

I watched you as you paced in front of my bed, running your hands over the blonde fuzz laying claim to your scalp once more. You were crying again, like you had a few times too many. It was wrong for us to be together from the start, both so sick, both so weak. But somehow we stuck together through it all as different as our outcomes had been.

And then, there we were, you walking, talking, growing your hair back as I remained in the bed, consistently being told my family needed to make plans. What was I to wear? What songs did I want the church choir to sing? The entire time I answered I wasn't paying attention to my words. I was only focused on you, standing in the back of the room, tears pouring from your blue eyes, nails in between your teeth as you tried not to speak.

I wanted you to speak. I wanted you to say something, let them all know what I wanted because I myself could not find the words to speak. I wanted you to steal all the words from my heart, Hunter, as you so often had. I knew you were worried though; I knew you wanted to, and I know you would have had you felt inclined to. Who could have imagined our time together would be so short?

When all was said and done, with the doctors, family, and friends exiting the room, you pulled your fingernails from your mouth and stared at me with emotional eyes. I bit my lip, shocked at how once something that came so natural could send pain through my entire body. You smiled a little, knowing, and sat down next to my bed, rubbing my hand gently, not grabbing in fear of causing me any more pain.

I started to speak, but you quickly stopped me. "Shh," you said. "Quiet now Anna, there's no need to have any more pain. I'm here."

You had been there from the very beginning. From the moment we met, you holding my hand as the first dose of chemo took the hair from my head, you were there. Even as I cried, you rubbed my hand and told me it would be alright, I'd get used to it. I did, the lack of hair and how cold everything became, but I was instantly used to your company. I knew I never wanted to be without you again.

I stared at you from my bed as tears ran down your cheeks. You rubbed my hand again. "Anna," you said. "I really do love you. I just wish there was more time, another chance."

I licked over my chapped lips an looked at your still frail body. You should have been healthier by now, but the constant worrying, lack of sleep and food, and never leaving my side left you just as weak as when the cancer still spread through your body. I watched as you rubbed your eyes, and I shakily tried to sit up. "No, Anna, stay down," you said. "It's safer."

I weakly shook my head. "Nothing about me is safe," I said quietly and pulled myself up. Trying to hide the pain rocketing through my body, I bit my lip, bit back the tears, and reached under my pillows. You smiled sadly as I handed you an envelope with a shaky hand. I slowly moved back against the pillows and sighed. "You don't have to stay," I said softly and you shook your head.

"Of course I do, I want to stay. I'm not leaving your side."

I frowned but secretly my heart flew. I couldn't believe that this was how our relationship would be. You rubbed my hand again as your other hand stroked over my bald head. You smiled again sadly as your tears started anew. I felt my own tears start, suddenly some warmth on my cold cheeks. "You've gotten so cold Anna," you said and it shocked me out of my wandering thoughts. "I'm so scared for this."

"Don't be," I said, a whisper as such was all I could muster. "It's going to be okay. You'll be okay Hunter."

"No," you said and pressed your forehead to my hand. You felt so hot, burning on my hand. "No Anna, I need you."

I tried to lift a shaky hand to wipe my tears away but found myself unable to move. You rubbed them away for me gently, your own years falling to my face. I licked over my lips and you pulled a blanket up over me, covering the goosebumps on my arms and our hands. "It's okay Anna," you said as I started fighting my weakening body. "It's okay Anna."

"I'm not ready," I whispered as I realized it was almost over. "I don't want to leave yet."

"We knew it was risky from the beginning," you said softly. "It will be okay. You'll feel better soon."

I gasped, knowing not if it was from tears or my heart starting to give. You suddenly grabbed my hand as your blue eyes squeezed shut. I wanted to see them, the last things before I went, but the words escaped me again. I struggled to take a breath in, suffocating slightly and you opened your eyes. Your lips pressed to my forehead and I started to close my eyes. "Hunter," I said quietly, mustering words out with the last breath I could get. "Hunter, I..."

"Shh now Anna," you said softly. "It's okay. I know. I love you to. Don't try to force it." You rubbed my cheek again. I'm sure of it, but I felt nothing. My eyes closed, but I couldn't see the darkness I expected. I saw blue eyes and bright lights, the perfect ending for you and me. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I only wish my last words had come, but once again you stole the words from my heart, just as I wanted.