The Wedding

”Brothers and sisters, we gather here together to celebrate this beautiful matrimony of these two people. If there is anyone who has any reason as to why they should not be married, speak now, or forever hold your peace.”



This was real. It was happening. She was my first. First best friend, first crush, first kiss, and most importantly my first love. All the time we spent together growing up led up to this. Sneaking out of the house at night to drive around aimlessly, ditching class to go to the beach, lazy days on the couch, reminding each other how much we love one another, late night phone calls about everything and nothing at all. She’s the girl of my dreams. This beautiful girl that I spent most of my time with since the second grade is getting married—just not to me.



That should be me. In fact, it could have been me. We made a promise to each other at 16. Yeah, we were teenagers, but we felt something stronger than just typical teenage love. We were going to stay together, get married, have children, and grow old together. That was the plan. The one we had written down that is still in my wallet. Our plans were shattered after I left with my family to move across the country.



What hurts the most is that I tried. I really did. I wrote her letters and called her almost every night. Eventually the letters became more spread out and the calls became shorter and less affectionate until they were both nonexistent.



Of course I don’t want this to happen. The only reason that I’m here is her mother who is nowhere to be found. He doesn’t love her like I do and he never will. He wasn’t there through all of the best times she’s had to see her beautiful smile that can make someone forget all the bad things in life. Nor was he there for all the hard times where that smile never appeared, and every day was an everlasting storm that you attempted to clear up with only little prevail. He didn’t have the midnight calls calming her down from a terrible day, reminding her that tomorrow will be different. That was me. Not him. He can’t replace that no matter how hard he tries.



A year ago, she added me on Facebook and we only started talking again a few months ago. Once we were talking until 2 in the morning, just like when we were in high school. I started reminiscing while we were talking and started to tear up. Just about I was about to say good-bye and log off to spare myself the pain, she told me that I still had a really special place in her heart that wasn’t ever going to be taken away and that she was sorry for the years we went without talking. She said that it broke her just as much it did to me.



Part of me thinks that she’s just doing this to try to forget me. Or at least to numb the pain of losing me a little bit. It sounds conceited, but she said it herself. There is still something there. I still can’t help but think this is all really messed up and I shouldn’t be here. I should be happy for her. The girl I love is happy and that should make me feel the same. Maybe I shouldn’t have come. But maybe I needed this. I need this to realize that it’s over and there’s never going to be another us and there’s never going to be another girl that will ever mean as much as she does.



As the priest continues with the wedding asking if she’ll “take him to be her lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold” and all that, I stand up and start to leave. I hold back the tears in and swallow the lump in my throat. I turn around and meet her eyes and mouth “I love you”. She nods back and I make my way towards the door.



And with a simple two words, what’s left of me broke into pieces as I walked out of the church and she walked out of my life.