Was it Just a Dream

Was It Just A Dream
W.J. Walker
REFLECTING

If only I would have taken the time to listen when my mother would talk to me about God, or when complete strangers would approach me speaking on God word, I would just shrug them off, because those words have been around for thousands of years, and to me they had no real meaning, because I am an atheist. I am a strong unyielding person, only believing what I feel to be the truth, and it was my truth that almost caused me a death like no other. My name is Angela, and this is my story.

Sweat trickled down my face as I stepped out into the blazing sun of a New York crowded street. Some people used their hands to fan themselves, as waves of heat rose from the beaten concrete. The many people that walked the streets constantly interrupted my stride, while most stopped in front of me without warning. I was becoming more and more frustrated; my focus became intense as I pushed my way through the crowd.
Out of nowhere, this woman stepped directly in front of me causing me to stumble, “Excuse me Miss,” she said, causing my face to frown, my body going on the defense. “Would you like to accept Jesus in your life today?”
I waved my hand as if wishing her away, late for work is what I was and she was blocking my path. I brushed pass her without a word, shaking my head at the thought. She of all people should know that it dangerous to block a person path in New York City, let alone trying to peddle nonessential words.
I began concentrating on the sounds around me, squeaky car breaks, revving motors, horns blowing, trying to curb my frustration. The sound of a man preaching gloom, doom, hell fire, and brimstone broke that concentration. “You’re going to hell,” he shouted. Pointing in my direction. I shook my head and laughed, thinking, “he’ll probably be the first one there, I mean how can you save a man with preaching’s of hell fire and brimstone, you would just scare the mess out of him, and make him run the other way.
"Excuse me,” a voice rang in my ear as I was getting ahead of the crowd, “mam I am really hungry, and I wonder if you can help me with something to eat?”
I paused, and looked at this man from head to toe, trying hard to restrained myself, I covered my mouth and nose with my hand. He only stood there with pleading eyes, matted hair, and a stench that could rock the world. His clothes were shredded and hanging off him, and he carried a nasty dirty blanket.
“Why is it that every time I walk down this street somebody asks me for money, if I give my hard earned money to everyone that asks, I might as well say I am working to support the whole world? So tell me, my brother, what are you hungry for, alcohol, drugs; I am not working hard to support a person who is more than able to get a job. And when you actually want a real meal, look me up, because I’m hungry to, and take a bath, you stink.”
My frustration was on fire, as I rushed off to my destination. Guilt began to set in. “I could have given him some change; he looked like he really needed it.” As soon as I shook that feeling, anxiety has taken its course, the beating of my heart would not slow down; a sense of urgency came over me, as voices began echoing in my head. “YOU DENIED ME THREE TIMES,” I walked on rationalizing with myself; what is that, who is that, with whom did I deny, confusion began to set in, making my situation worse. “What is going on,” I began looking over everything, I looked to my left, to my right, to see if someone was whispering in my ear, nothing, what have I said , what did I do.” I was so lost in mind space, that I did not even see it coming…
“What the hell was that,” here I lay on my back stiff as a board and not being able to move. The pain was excruciating. Focus, I told myself, “Where am I? What is this place?”
I rolled my eyes looking all around me until they came upon a large silhouette of what looked like a bird coming towards me, faster and faster it came, I had a sudden urge to run, but I could not move, my body felt as if a hundred pound weight held it down.
“What is that?” My eyes squinted harder and focus on what now seems to look like a human figure; it was coming at me, not walking, but floating. I could feel my body tightening; the pain in my head grew stronger, the weight that held me down grew heavier, panic began to set in. A fear like no other fear came over me, my heart raced faster and faster, as the figure drew closer. I thought my heart had stopped beating as I watched this figure change again. It spouted wings, not like the wings of a bird, but many wings covered its body as it approached. I covered my eyes and screamed, but no sound came out.
“Do you know why you are here?” asked the creature whose voice that carried the sound of thunder. My body was rattled by the sound of his voice, I was too afraid to speak, peeking through my fingers; I looked at what towered over me. Before I knew it, darkness set in. I could no longer see, the fear I felt penetrated my soul, I tried hard not to show it, but my shaking alone, gave me away.
“Look at me child,” the voice rang out. I covered my ears to mask the sound of his voice.
“I said look at me.”
My hand fell from my face as if someone or something had moved them, my eyes were open, yet I could not see through the darkness. Suddenly a small trickle of light reflected, unmasking the figure that towered over me. My eye bulged as I saw the woman who has blocked my path, and with the slightest turn of my head, she became the street preacher. 'Whooooo;' I begin moaning, trying desperately to will my riddled body to move. I looked at this being, as panic set in, suddenly he changed into the bum I had words with on the street. His clothes were all tattered and torn, and he still reeked of rotten garbage.
“Oh No; no, no, get away,” I was too far pass fear, the aching in my heart begin to diminish, as the beats became few. I laid extremely still, while thousands of tormented voices resonated in my head. There was screaming and crying all around me. I covered my ears as I looked at him again, but this time with pleading eyes.

He shook his head, and never spoke a word; he only wept. It was not a cry like the ones that overwhelmed my ears; it was a cry of sorrow, sorrow for me. He reached out his hand, yet fear would not allow me to move, suddenly and without warning, I was being raised up, suspended in the air, and lowered to my feet. I don’t know how but the weight and pain was gone, my head was no longer hurting, and now I stand toe to toe with the man I refused to feed. The smell was gone, and his appearance has changed into a beauty so bright that my eyes could not behold. I looked all around me, turning away from his light, and looking upon the darkness that filled up the space.
“Maybe I could talk him out of what he has planned for me,” I tried to look at him again, concentrating on his face, which was not detailed, the only thing I could see was his crying eyes, and sadness. He looked down shaking his head, while standing in the form of a cross, one hand pointing to the east, while the other pointed to the west.
“What was he trying to say? What was he trying to show me? He must have recognized my confusion, because suddenly my minds eyes opened to the light around me, and what stood before me was the most amazing creature. I tried to look upon him without fear; In addition, before I could get a clear view of all his beauty, he floated away, leaving me alone and opening my mind to what was left of my pitiful soul.
Sadness, grief, and flashbacks replaced fear. The floodgates of pictures and images took control of my thoughts, taking me back further and further back throughout my life. “What the hell’s going on,” the many voices filled my head again, I was on a whirlwind, words echoing throughout my inner being, as if they were standing next to me..
“Which of you will come today and drink from the living water of God? Come and be born in the spirit? I’m standing at the door, knocking.”
For years, I’ve heard those words, and for years I have always said, that is not for me. I could not bring myself to believe in something that was not real to me. In my head, I would always say next Sunday, knowing I did not mean it, I have time, but the joke fell on me. My mind went back further, I could see mama, begging and pleading, saying she was in fear of my life if I did not get to know the Lord. I would always say to her, I can get to know this Lord person without going to church, beside you know that old pastor, always begging for money."
She would only look at me with tears in her eyes, and say;
"Honey, I'm not going to force you to take Jesus hand, I'm not going to force you to the altar, It will be your choice, your will, but remember, Jesus love you."
As I looked back on this moment, I can feel her soft kiss on my forehead, now wishing more than ever that I could see her again, hear her again.
I reflected on times and times again, and there I saw myself reading the bible diligently at a very young age, 'Everyone who eats my flesh and drink my blood is in me.' "yuk! I thought, drink blood, and eat flesh."
I read on, 'Jesus stands at the door and knock.' "Well I'm not answering," I remember laughing about that verse.

I had enough of me, and quickly shook off the thoughts that were lingering inside my head, I looked back at the spot the man was standing, He did not come back, I was there alone, just me, my thoughts and a trickle of light. Suddenly I was beginning to get weak, I was feeling a love generating from somewhere, I looked all around me until my eyes fell upon a man ready to propose to his wife. A feeling of a love so deep, it ran within the bowels of my soul. I could only hold my head in shame because I could not look upon his radiance; I did not take the time to say "I Do Lord, I Do."

He showed me the beauty and splendor that could have been mine; I looked upon this place and was overtaken with joy, It was filled with all the riches a man could ask for. The thin streets were made of golden glass, and either side glowed like precious gems. The angels stood like soldiers paving the way to the gate. With smiles and cheers, I thought they were welcoming me. Just as I began to run down that road, my path was blocked. I turned my attention back to the man who stood at the crossroad. He sadly shook his head, and pointed to another road.

I turned and looked. The road was wide, and filled with many turns and crevices. At the opening of the gate, I saw what appeared to be people floating in and out of a rising smoke, screaming, pleading, begging, burning, yet I could not see the fire that was tearing up their souls. The darkness was so great, the only light that shorn through was glowing yellow and red pearl drops dancing in the air as if they were happy to see me. Each drop displayed a different smile, and each smile spoke ‘come hither.’ There was no other way to turn, I could see no way out. Gripping what I thought was a wall; I slowly walked down that road, jumping at every sound, wishing I had some kind of weapon.

There was a gate in front of me, I hesitated before opening it, my chests tighten with every movement, as I stepped inside; there were many more channels, so I pick the first one. As a tree is petrified, so was I, stuck, not being able to move, my eyes bulged at the sight that stood before me. There appeared to be several clouds of black smoke taking on the form of a dragon, its eyes was of a fiery furnace. It hovered over me for a moment, looking at me as if I was his next meal.

I looked all around me, looking for a way out, stairs, there were stairs in front of me, I took that route and looked over the wall, trying to find an escape, but all I saw was millions of scattered bodies, their insides being eaten, yet they still lived, crying out for hope, just a sparkle. I continue to run, but it felt like a never-ending process, there was no exit, I was trapped. “Oh God, what have I done?”
I finally called upon his name, but was I too late, I was without excuse. A burning wind blew across my face, “this could not be, I could think of many things I did right in this life.” I quickly turned and looked in all directions, trying to focus on what was in front of me, trying to find the path I stayed away from. I franticly looked for the man who stood at the crossroad, running through the many gates, each one more frightening, than the other.

Running harder and harder, a sudden weight seemed to press on my chest, robbing me of what little breath that was left. All of a sudden, there was a loud thump, the man that stood at the crossroad was in front of me, yet his beauty was gone. What I saw was an unsympathetic look through a tear stained face. I kept looking from one place to the other, crying, pleading, wondering where I went wrong; Frantic is what I became, I started pleading to the man whom I now believe to be a servant of the Lord, because he was not affected by what was going on, his form was still intact. I pleaded my case, nothing but useless words were coming out of my mouth, I now know that all my tomorrows were too late, and my tomorrows will no longer exist. I could have looked upon His beauty forever, but no more. I shook my head; that’s when I finally knew, He had all the control over my life and death, and after looking at the darkness which smiled at me I knew I was doomed to the hell I created for myself, to the hell I just saw.
“Why, O my dear Jesus, Why;” I heard myself scream out. "I tried to accept you, your way just wasn’t my way, I just didn’t understand how a God could be so hard on people, when he is supposed to be a loving God. I just needed a little more time to enjoy my life. I promise I will try to do better, I just need you to show me your way again.
The man, as unfeeling as he was, just turned his back on me, I felt his tears when he walked away.
"Jesus, I cried out, Jesus have mercy, don't leave me." I reached my hands out to him, I felt my body began to quiver, a fear like no other fear came over me, the only thing I could think about was that dark place, the worm eating at my heart, a pain that will never go away. I don't want to go there.
"Noooo Jesus! Don’t leave me.” I screamed out once again as the burning wind moved my soul closer to that dark place, I was floating, higher and higher I went, I was without control. “Please Lord, I’m sorry,” now panicky, looking down at him, “Please help me.” In the midst of it all, I heard these words, “If you did this to the least of these, you done it unto me. I don’t know you, if you want life, seek life, show yourself approved, I am giving you this one last chance, don’t disappoint me.”
Hands began touching me, grabbing me, shaking me, I closed my eyes and became accepting of what was coming. There were no more words to say, I lost, there was only silence, I could still feel hands shaking me, slapping me hard, I opened my eyes, and daylight took the place of darkness. I wasn’t in that place anymore, I was back on the street were people surrounded me. A stench filled my nose.
“She’s coming around.”
My eyes widen as they fell on the person who asked me for a meal.
Tears filed the wells of my eyes as I looked at him. “It’s you, it’s you, I am so sorry, so sorry. I tried to pull myself to my feet, but was held down.
“Mam, you have to wait for the ambulance.”
“I don’t need an ambulance,” I scream, “Let me go.”
I stood on my feet and straightway went to the raggedy man; I held his hand and apologized for being rude to him. His face was perplexed, I reached in my pocket and handed him the money I had.
“I would love to sit and have a meal with you.”
“Not today, my journey is long, and there are more who needs a lesson. Remember where you been and what you saw, and take heed the words of the Lord.”