Second Chance

Second Chance


I wasn’t depressed, I never get depressed; just a little down in the dumps sometimes but more than usual this time. In fact I can’t remember when I felt worse, not physically; nothing wrong there even though I’m in my sixties, I feel fine physically, the problem is my mental state.  I’m not going nuts but this time it feels so bad I think I am declining into a full-on depression.  I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep interested or motivated to do anything and when I do find something that I think is worth a shot I’m just not able to stick to it for long. I’m really not looking forward to the rest of my life.  I’m alone, I’m lonely and emotionally lost I guess, if that is a condition you can be in. Lets face it the overall prospects of love and happiness is not promising, in fact it’s downright dismal. Not an encouraging set of circumstances at all. 

So here I am wasting another day waiting for something to happen.

Then she spoke to me.

Her voice was calm and melodious and had an almost mystical quality to it. I turned quickly to see who was speaking to me because the house was locked and I didn’t recognise the voice. There was no one there. 

Springing out of my chair I rushed into the adjoining room, nothing, nobody.  Rushing up stairs thinking I must be the victim of practical joke but the house was empty I looked in vain for any sign of forced entry but everything was still locked up tight.  Standing in the middle of the empty lounge room stunned, my automatic reaction raising the hairs on the back of my neck, because almost instinctively I knew from the very first word she uttered I was experiencing an extraordinary happening that didn’t fit in with mine or anyone else’s reality.

I shook my head, “don’t be stupid,” I thought to myself.  “You must have just imagined the voice,” but unconvinced by my own reassurances I returned downstairs, a feeling of excitement rising in my gut knowing no-one would say what the voice said if it were a practical joke.

“Jon” she knew my name “I want to talk to you” That’s all the voice had said.

Back downstairs in my home office I checked again for speakers or any evidence that this was just an elaborate hoax. Thinking about it who would go to all that trouble, and if it is a hoax surely the voice would have said something more dramatic or scary.

Not that I wasn’t scared right now, I was shaking with fear and anticipation.

If this is a trick, I will never forgive them, I would look like such a fool. Then the thought struck me, “I’m hearing voices, in my head. I’m going nuts or so lonely I’m creating my own company in my mind, just like the movie Beautiful Minds; I’ll be seeing people next. “

“I know what you are thinking” it was the voice.

Spinning around quickly, there was no one.

“You’re not going insane”, the voice went on “I’m not your mind playing tricks on you either” she reassured me.

I could hardly contain myself, shaking almost uncontrollably now, my mind racing but unable to put a single thought together.

“It’s all right Jon” she continued trying to calm me.

Her voice did have a relaxing effect; it was soothing my jangled nerves somewhat even though the actual experience was intensifying. I could not see her but I could feel her presence. Thankfully it felt warm and open so I was fairly certain she isn’t here to harm me.

“What’s happening, where is this going?” my mind raced, strong emotions welling up inside. 

Other questions came thick and fast, as did possible scenarios. “Maybe I’m about to die and this is some kind of welcoming angle” I mused, “What does she want?” was the big question in my mind “I can’t have just been picked out at random.”

“Its not what I want Jon, it’s what you want” she answered.

I wasn’t surprised that she could read my mind; I hadn’t uttered a sound except inaudible gasp and as I actually managed to speak, it was a choking rasping sound.

“Who are you?” I croaked, my throat tight and dry.  “How are speaking to me when you’re not here?” I continued.

“But I am here Jon, you can feel I’m here, can’t you.” Her presence is stronger now.

“I can materialise for you if you like” she whispered “but I don’t think you are quite ready just yet” she said kindly.

I wasn’t ready, I didn’t think I would ever be ready; this voice is now indicating that a form was about to appear in front of me, I am close to being terrified at the prospect.

“What would she look like” I my mind flashed, and even though I don’t think she’s a physical threat the very thought of someone from the spirit world appearing before me was utterly petrifying.

“Is this real or is it all in my head, what did she want and why me” the same questions over and over and although still fearful logic was slowly returning and excitement was now replacing fear.

“What had I discovered”, I thought, “what possibilities did this occurrence open up and prove?”

“Why are you here talking to me?” I thought, no need to speak it seemed.

“Because you have been studying the esoteric, the mystics and the afterlife for a great deal of your life Jon. It’s your understanding and acceptance of the expanded reality and our own immortality is why you can hear me and I was able to visit you” she paused, “so now I can be with here with you for a short time,” she explained.

“But Why” I questioned in my mind.

“Because, you and I are connected” she stated, again reading my thoughts.

“Connected; we’re connected, how are we connected?” I asked slightly alarmed at the prospect “do I know you?”

She smiled.

“How could I know that she smiled, I can’t even see her” I thought.

“No you don’t know me but you could have” she hesitated. “You should have,” she said, her voice lowered, an emotion of regret and sadness touched me.

“You see Jon” the voice murmured, “I am your daughter.”

I felt as if I had been physically hit. Falling back in my chair, tears of emotion welling up, my heart knowing she is telling the truth. The shock and surprise overwhelmed me.

I didn’t have a daughter.  I always wanted one and this voice was claiming that she was my daughter, how could that be. Yet again I knew. Then, as if on cue, a faint perfume filled the air and like a magic spell it instantly rolled me back in time to when I first encountered the very same perfume.

“I never had a daughter” I stammered, shocked at the revelation,  “how can you say you are my daughter?”

“Because I am,” and she materialised before me.

I gasped, she stood in the doorway, I’m relieved that her appearance isn’t ghostly or ghoulish; she just looks like anyone else. She’s of medium height, with a slim youthful body crowned with long black hair, her face the only hint of her age, which I guessed was around thirty-five.  Asian women are famous for being ageless. Yes, she has distinctive Asian features yet there’s a definite European influence the combination of which created her stunningly beautiful face, her stature, her look but most of all her face strongly resembles another face from my past, a girl that wore the same perfume, a girl I had fallen in love with all that time ago. The perfume endorsed her identity without doubt and I understood why she had materialised before me. She could easily pass as my daughter.

There was silence. Neither it seamed wanting to be the first to speak.

“My name is Emiko “she whispered.  “And my mothers name is”

“Katsumi” My heart crashed as the memories flooded in, now I knew exactly who this apparition is.

Surprised I remembered her name she confirmed,  “Katsumi is my mother, and you Jon, are my father” she smiled looking directly at me.

I had returned to an Osaka dance club when I first laid eyes on Katsumi, she being the centre of attention as she was dancing a traditional Japanese dance on a small stage at the far end of the crowded room. Although the delicate dance movements captured my attention there was something about her face that drew me to her. I pushed forward though the crowd to get closer. She saw me approaching, which wasn’t difficult for her me being the only European in the club and the only person in an Australian naval uniform. Just for a moment she looked directly at me, a ghost of a welcoming smile touching her face, before she turned to continue her dance.

Transfixed by her beauty and grace, I couldn’t help it, I was staring at her unashamedly which she definitely noticed because twice more during the performance she glances directly at me with the faintest of smiles. I was fascinated, spellbound by her beauty, the dance, and the faint but distinct perfume identical to the scent surrounding me now. The dance ended, she acknowledging the applause with a low bow before disappearing from the stage. I was stunned, that smile, those looks, did they mean anything? I hoped they really were directed at me, they seemed to be, but now I wasn’t so sure and right now she was gone. Maybe I would never lay eyes on her again. 

I made my way to the bar and ordered a scotch. As I swung around on my seat to face the room she was there, less than six feet away, again the faint smile before glancing at the barman and her drink appeared. She was even closer now.  I am literally paralysed, I can’t even look directly at her, not even daring a glance knowing that she was less than two feet from me.

Her soft perfume touched me.

“Hello” her voice was warm and the combination of the noisy bar and her accent almost made the greeting inaudible. “What’s your name?”

“Jon, my name is Jon” I replied hoarsely. She spoke English. The first Japanese person I had encountered since arriving in Japan who could.

What’s yours? I managed to say.

“Katsumi” she said brightly glancing up at me with cheeky eyes and an engaging smile. Obviously she was not nervous at all, but I knew that she sensed my nervousness.

“Come” she commanded, starting to walk toward the other end of the room where it was quieter I followed willingly, not believing my luck, she turned as she walked asking earnestly; 

“Would you sit with me for a while and talk to me. I am an English student and I would love to talk to you as I don’t get many opportunity to talk with an English native here in Japan, do you mind?”

“Mind! Mind; no I am overjoyed with the prospect of talking to this beautiful creature that had magically appeared in my life” I thought as she lead me to a couch next to a low coffee table where we sat our drinks.

“No not at all, I would love to talk to you, as long as you want, for ever if you like” I added flashing a quick nervous smile, hoping I wasn’t overstepping the mark, she just smiled.

We talked about everything; what I was doing in Japan, how long I was going to be here, where and why she was learning English and her dancing, the love of her life, she told me that her ambition was to become a famous dancer throughout Japan and maybe the world.

“I could come to Australia and dance for you” she joked. 

Our conversation is intense and exciting, discovering each other’s pasts, likes and even our life’s ambitions. There came a rush of acceptance as if everything had moved into fast forward. Maybe because I was only here for six days influenced both of us, we had to move fast if we were to enjoy each other’s company. It seemed that was already her intention and my dearest hope.

Suddenly she looked past me, a man obviously her boss, was signalling for her to dance again. We must have been talking for over an hour, it had passed so quickly.

“If you like you can wait for me” she looked at me “this will be the last show tonight, “we can go somewhere else for a drink, ” she suggested.

“I would like that very much” I replied standing and smiling broadly, the past hour quelling my early tentativeness, “I can’t miss the dance” I added moving toward the stage, she nodded and smiled as she hurried towards the back of the room. 

The crowd was thinning as we left for another that was just around the corner from her club.  Judging by the warm greetings she received, the glances at me and the half smiles that only friends can get away with, this was a bar that she often frequented. We settled at one end of the tiny bar and then out conversation took an interesting and exciting turn.

“So you are only here for another five days,” she confirmed.

“Yes” hoping she would agree to see me again, but it was better, much better than I could ever expect.

“Why don’t you stay at my place while you are here. There’s room and I would like to have you around,” looking at me nervously, “don’t get me wrong I don’t usually invite men home especially ones I have just met” she giggled.

I could not believe my ears, here is a girl that I was already feeling genuine affection for asking me to say with her. Wow! This is beyond my wildest dreams.  I badly wanted to get close to her, to know her and here she is inviting me to do so.

“I would love to” I reply immediately “that would be great, sure you don’t mind? “ Hoping I hadn’t misunderstood her invitation in any way.

“No” she smiled “but it’s getting late, finish this drink and we’ll go home, you can come with me tonight” she added.

I agreed instantly and soon we were squeezed together in the back seat of a very small cab for the short trip to her apartment.  Her house is no more than a large bed-sitter and only a dressing room, bath area and small food preparation area are partitioned from the main room. She had told me earlier that there was room for me, but there was only one bed and a small couch; I started to dream about what I hoped could happen.  The apartment’s was Japanese style right down to the art on the walls and the paper sliding doors at the end of the room. They led out into a small but exquisitely sand raked garden featuring a stone lantern three strategically placed washed boulders and a tiny wooden table. Her house is cosy and I can pick up a serene feel about it as if it possessed its own cultural aura. Her home and Katsumi’s simple bowing welcome gave me a sense of belonging and comfort as soon as I entered.

“I could easily have live here forever,” I thought.

She ushered me to the sofa then sitting down next to me much closer than I expected; I could feel her soft femineity closing the space between us her perfume again haunted my nostrils.

“Would you like a bath”? She said suddenly.

“Well, err, yes that would be nice,” I answered politely, being unsure of why she would offer me a bath at 1.00am in the morning. Maybe I had body odour or maybe its a Japanese tradition to offer baths to their guest; I just didn’t know, but if she wanted me to take a bath who was I to argue.

Jumping up she went to the corner of the room partitioned only by a tiled floor where a high bathtub stood with a hearth underneath it. Filling the tub with water from a small faucet she then prepared and lit a wood fire under the bath obviously to heat the water.

“The water here is already warm but this will make it really hot” she explained as she stoked the fire to greater heights a vent humming behind the tub effectively extracting the smoke from the room.

“Maybe she was going to cook me” I contemplation jokingly, “if she throws any spices or vegetables in with me, I’m getting out and running for my life”. I laughed to myself; it would explain the unexpected invitation to her home and the equally surprising bath suggestion.

Sitting back next to me, closer this time, so close in fact I had to restrain myself from turning and hugging her but I did let my body lean slightly her way and was thrilled when she lent back. I was almost dizzy with anticipation.

I felt the physical touch heighten; we were very close and quiet and she moved her body so she was cuddling even closer now.

She jumped up, ran and tested the water; “it’s almost ready,” she announced smiling mischievously, “come I will get you ready”.

Not sure what getting ready entailed but I rather expected that anytime now I would be partly or completely naked. She motioned me to stand in front of the steaming tub and without hesitation started to undress me laughing at the complications my uniform presented; halyards, false collars and to her delight and amusement the flap front of my bell-bottom trousers.  A moment later I stood before her adorned only with my last pillar of modesty, which seemed to amuse her even more. Laughingly she handed me an inadequate towel for covering my torso and then indicated I should remove my jocks and as she diverted her eyes I slowly lowered myself into the steaming water.

My god it was hot, but bearable. The level rose sharply as I lowered myself into the tub, the water now came up to my chest. Katsumi appeared next to the bath armed with a large brush on which she poured scented oil that lathered like soap.  She then brushed or more accurately scrubbed me down.

“You like” she enquired, her beautiful face close to mine.

“Very much” I answered truthfully because I genuinely did. I liked it very much, it was invigorating and my skin tingled from the brushing and my mind was anticipating what the bath and the closeness promised.

While I relaxed in the bath she left briefly and returned in a silk robe with a larger one over her arm. “Come” she said laying a bath mat on the floor. Holding another towel up her smiling face peering over the top; no sign of averted eyes this time but at least the towel was slightly larger than the first one.  After drying myself down she stepped closer to my naked body and wrapped me in the robe. While she laced the robe cord around my back I felt her soft body press against me, then leaning back slightly to tie the front of my gown I noticed her own gown parted revealing her small but beautiful breasts. She noticed my glance and smiled coyly as she led me towards the sofa but then stopped me from sitting, instead she opened her robe and let it fall to the floor whilst deftly undoing my gown in the same moment then, without hesitation, she pressed her beautiful naked body against mine, lifted her face and kissed me, her tongue seeking and finding mine as she pressed her body close against me. I felt the dizzy swooning pleasure of the moment and she writhed against my hardness.

“We only have five days left” she explained giggling, “we can’t waste a moment can we?” she whispered playfully as her fingers lightly caressed me, I could only nod dumbly. We turned to the bed and collapsed together our bodies entwined. Now I was kissing her and my hands coupling her breasts, my mouth found her nipples, which responded instantly to my tongue and touch, she moaned softly.  Already her hands were upon my hardness and she sank down taking it into her mouth, I could feel her as she moved in rhythm to my thrusts while her hands encouraged me. The intimate caressing and exploring heightened our need for each other until she drew away for an instant, rolled under me and I sank into her; the heat and the surrender as she lifted her hips to meet my first thrust was overwhelming; she looked into my eyes as we made love her beautiful face first wild with ecstasy then smiling up at me with pleasure as she panted and moved her body heightening the intensity even further. All to quickly we both felt the sexual climax rising until with a loud high-pitched scream she came, her body thrashing under me while deep inside her I was ejaculating like crazy.

The immense feeling that now engulfed us was one of the most beautiful feelings I had ever experienced and it was evident that she was overwhelmed. I looked into her eyes; saw the happiness, the satisfaction a sense of love engulfing us both.

She smiled up at me “You felt so good inside me I wished it would go on forever, I feel wonderful” she declared.

“I’m in awe” I murmured still feeling the effects of our love making wash over me “not only was tonight a complete surprise” I continued  “it was just the best I have ever felt; even though it was a bit short” I added somewhat sheepishly.

She laughed, “We both couldn’t last under that intensity, it was exactly what we  needed,” she exclaimed, cuddling close to me her warmth her softness and her scent cradling me.

“I like you Jon”; she said in a low serious whisper, “I did from the very first time I saw you watching me dance and I knew, especially when you said you would only be here for 6 days, that I would be with you like this. My life philosophy is to take opportunity for happiness when it comes to me” she continued in a serious tone, “and right now I’m happier than I have ever been”

I was elated by her words, here was a beautiful intelligent girl giving herself to me without hesitation and the passion and feeling we obviously had for each other made it as ardent and loving than one would expect in a long term relationship. We made love again, then reality checked in; time chimed its bell and reluctantly I had to go. With promises of meeting again in tomorrow night we held each other tight as we waited for the cab to arrive.

It was difficult to leave her even for one day.  Impatiently waiting for shore leave to be announced and even though I couldn’t see her for a while I wanted to be close to her. “What is going on” I thought “I had never felt like this before” I was literally aching to see her and just after one night.  Sure, I had had many one-night stands, a sailor’s life is dotted with them but this was different, I had found someone worthwhile.  She was everything I ever wanted and right now my very soul was aching to see her, to hold her, to love her again.

“You remember her don’t you” Emiko questioned interrupting my memories, “ I can read your thoughts” she said smiling. “My mother told me of her first meeting with you and the night of love that followed.  I like to think that that was the night that I was conceived ” she stated in a matter of fact tone.

“Of course I remember” I answered “it was a wonderful time of my life those five days with her, I have never forgotten them especially that first and last night we spent together”.

She smiled “she told me about how you arrived at her work with a pocket full of yen and she took you out on the town on that last night you were together.”

“That’s right” I said, I was getting quite used to talking to a vision now, “I remember going ashore on that last day and feeling quiet sad because to start with I had run out of money and I knew this was to be our last night together. I could hardly bear the thought that after tonight I may never see her again. I know it seemed improbable but we had spent every moment we could together over those the last few days’ I had realised then I was in love with her.”

“Anyway” I said, trying to conceal the emotion the memory of that time triggered as I drifted back.

I had to wait till she had finished work, which meant that I could only see her from about eleven at night until five in the morning when I would have to leave her forever. Having time to kill, about 6 hours before Katsumi finished work I wandered into the same bar as the one we drank at on the very first night.  Ordering a beer I struck up a conversation with the bar owner who Katsumi knew quite well. He came from Sweden of all places; apparently many Scandinavians owned bars like this throughout Japan. 

He drank with me for a while and then insisted that since all sailors all knew how to play pontoon I should play pontoon with him. He was right I did know how to play pontoon, very well in fact so it wasn’t long before I had won a considerable amount of money from him; more than enough for what I needed. Thanking him for his hospitality but really for his money I raced around the corner to Katsumi’s club.

She looked surprised when I came in; obviously she was not expecting me till later that night. She ran to me.

“What are you doing here so early?” she enquired through her smile, and she hugged warmly, closely, reminding me of our love making over the past few days, her slightest tough set of a yearning for her that I could hardly control.

Explaining what had happened at the bar, “could you be with me now?” I almost implored. “Maybe I can compensate your boss so you don’t have to work tonight?” 

“I’m not sure; it ‘s not busy tonight so he may let me take the night off” she said hopefully and hurried away to talk to him.

I could see them at the other end of the bar in deep conversation and even though I tried to get a clue of the gist of the conversation her back was to me and he just looked passive, in fact I felt he was slightly unimpressed with her request. I waited anxiously for what seemed ages but was probably less than a minute then she turned a walked towards me.

“I’ll get my things” she flashed me a smile and a kiss before disappearing into her change room. This was our last night and now it was going to be a great one.

It’s a great time going everywhere to new and exciting clubs and restaurants, spending the money I had won recklessly on food; drink and we danced in each other arms loving and enjoying our closeness. More drinks and food followed but we are both aware that time was running out for us so drinking sparingly so not to spoil our last evening together. We both wanted to be fully aware for our last night of love.

Our last night, our last time to make love together combined pure ecstasy tempered only by an incredible feeling of loss, laying together close in each others arms we talked about the impending doom of separation, the hope and plans for meeting again and being together for ever, we even considered that I just staying with her now in Japan and not returning to the ship at all but I knew that was impracticably and would not serve either of us well.

It was time; I had to go; she clung to me the touch of her body begging me to stay” “I love you” she said simply. My heart leapt, this is how I felt and I told her so but within an hour I would be out of her life and she out of mine.

The cab arrived. She is insisting that she is traveling with, we were quiet she cuddled in close to me on the journey to the port.

It was devastated having to leave; the last lingering kiss; the last touch; it was agony but I finally had to let her go and board the ship.  The ship sailed almost immediately and I watched her standing alone on the wharf, so much happiness that I had walked away from and as the ship sailed further away I could still see her through binoculars; i watched her as she slowly walked towards a waiting cab. Even at that distance I saw she was weeping.

It was agonising” I said even now with a tear in my eye, “how could a love like ours end so abruptly and so finally, it just didn’t seem right” I lamented.

“She loved you” Emiko said, “her heart was broken when she never heard from you again, I know how much you meant to each other even after that short time you had together.”

I had of course promised to write so we could still love each other even if it was by letters, keeping our love alive and planning how we could get back together in the future. I took her contact details but now I know that the address she gave I wrote incorrectly. Although I wrote to her many times I never received a reply and thought that she must have decided that there were to many obstacles between us and decided not to reply, but I knew her and felt sure in my heart that something had just gone wrong.

“How did you know where to find me” I asked, again hiding the emotions flooding my memory, “my curiosity is really getting the better of me.”

“You know that I’m not of this realm anymore don’t you?” she asked, “well yes” I answered, that certainly wasn’t hard to work out, “then it’s true that you see before and after you, does everything really happen at once” I asked. “Time I mean, it’s not linear like it is here is it? I questioned.

She nodded “That’s true, I can from my position see everything before and after so it was relatively easy to find you, I just tracked you as if all your life happened in one day.”

“What happened to you, why are you no longer with us?”  I went on “Will your mother be aware that you have found me”.

“It was an accident” she said dismissing the first question as if it was unimportant “and no she is not aware of what I have done and won’t be unless you take some action.”

“What action” I stammered “I hope she didn’t want me to kill myself, I had read stories about how radical the Japanese culture could be, they seemed to think nothing of nicking themselves to solve a problem”.

“No!” she laughed, reading my thoughts “No” she repeated, “the action I want you to take is to go back to her”.

“I can tell” she went on “that the time you spent together has had a big impact on both your lives and will do so in the future, the original strength of your love for each other has linked you together even though you have been apart all this time”.

“If you go to her you will reunite, I’m sure of it” she said “and that would make her very happy, she still carries a flame for you and would love to see you again I just know,” Only then when you are reunited with her can you tell her of our meeting, I want her to know that I’m OK; she understands this realm that I’m now in as well as your do”. She added.

I wrote down the address and the contact details she gave me carefully this time, and asked for her email address as well.. I asked for her email address and mobile number but she refused to give it to me.

“Just go there she will be waiting,” she said, “if you go to her it will be the greatest gift I could ever bestow upon her and you.” Her voice had softened to a whisper and I noticed that her image was fading and moments later only the voice remained, “the reason I was lucky enough to talk to you is because of your knowledge and acceptance of the realm I am now in” she stated “but I have to go now” she said with a hint of sadness in her voice, “This encounter with you has helped me as well and I want both of you to be happy together,” it was wonderful for me to finally meet you Jon even under these circumstances” she said softly ”goodbye father, go to her, promise me you will”.

“I will, I will get there somehow” I said with determination.

I looked towards the corner where her she was last standing, “goodbye Emiko” and she was gone.

Well if I was depressed before it had certainly left me, I felt high, motivated and alive; I’ve had been visited by a spirit from another realm. But the message was clear. there was someone who loved me, and she, according to Emiko, would be happy to see me again. I had to act. I had to follow this through if I was ever going to be truly happy again. This was the turning point, the chance to change my life for the better.  I knew in my heart that I would find her.

It was the beginning of autumn in Osaka Japan; leaves were starting to fall on the path leading to a small cottage that I could see at the edge of a lake shimmering in the fading light of days end. As I got closer I could see a woman attending to some hanging plants drooping in front of the cottage. I knew it was her my heart started racing, she turned as she heard me approaching the cottage She looked at me intently for a moment.

I called her “Katsumi.”

She dropping her tools on the ground and a slow smile of recognition lit up her face, she started towards me, slowly and tentatively at first then faster until running she fell into my arms.