I Love Him

I love him. I really do. I know I don't always act like it. I don't think he believes me when I tell him "I love you", but I can't really blame him. One minute I tell him I love him, the next I clam up and push him away. I know he loves me, why else would he put up with me. Still part of me doubts him. I just don't understand how he can love me when I don't love myself.

I know he tries to understand my problems, but you can't understand something you've never experienced. I can't explain to him either because, honestly, I don't really understand them myself. They're just there - controlling my life - but I don't why. It's hard to explain my feelings to him, they don't make sense. I'm happy because I'm with him, but all my other problems are still there swimming round in my head and they make me angry, sad, confused and I don't know how to cope with them. I've tried so many times to tell him things but its like my brain shuts down, the words get stuck in my throat and I just can't say them. Of course this makes things worse, he's the one person in the world that I trust completely and I can't even tell him how I feel.

I think part of the problem is I worry that if I tell him everything about me he'll see me the way I see me. He'll realise I'm just this screwed up person who doesn't deserve his love and he'll leave me. Then I'll be back on my own, only this time it'll be worse because I'll have known what its like to have someone care for you and be there when you needed them. He says he wont leave me, but I know each time I ignore him and push him away, he gets just that little bit closer to giving up on me.

Another part of it is that it's just hard to say how I feel. People without depression don't understand how hard it is to say to someone I feel ugly, or stupid, or worthless. You can't tell them that you don't want to go out because you feel like everyone hates you and that they all look at you and judge you, because to them that doesn't make sense, they've never felt that way.

He constantly tells me he loves me, that I'm beautiful and how much he loves spending time with me. Part of me is starting to believe it, but most of me is just waiting for him to realise that he's made a mistake and that he needs to get out of this relationship before I drag him down with me and destroy him. I hate feeling this way, and I know it bothers him to know that I doubt him. He doesn't deserve the way I treat him, but he still stays by my side through everything. He's too good for me, he'd be better off without me, but I can't let him go, I need him.

I want to be a normal young girl, happily in love, not constantly worrying if I'm annoying him or if the next thing I do is going to be the one to drive him away. Hopefully I'll get there one day, I'm starting to believe in him and to see myself the way he sees me. I know I've got a long fight ahead of me but I want to do it , for me and for him. One day I'm going to be able to look at myself and honestly know that I deserve him in my life. Until then I guess I'll just have to love him the best I can and hope that he's patient enough to wait for me to get better.