18+ This is a true story about my life and the cats in it. Meant for a good chuckle. |
-Killing Kittens While Wearing Mittens- by Keaton Foster Killing kittens while wearing mittens This is a nonsensical adoration Towards the elimination Of a true representation of cuteness Do they deserve to die To be lined up and shot Well of course not This is just a rant One from a man With way too much time And three too many Felines on his hands Cats are all quite cute They do love to purr And they live to poop Over the years I have had quite a few First there was Misty She was killed by Buick Next there was Tabby Shot by a random hunter Left for dead in the woods With an arrow through her head Then there was Mister Sam Ripped to shreds by a neighbor’s dog And placed on the front porch There was one named Jessie Jay He ended up in a gators belly Dumbass liked to go near water There was a Princess Pie Who quite frankly Was crazy as all bat shit She went back to the kennel With a note written in red That read this cat will eat your kids Was she adopted or euthanized I never called back to find out Over the years There were quite a few Tigers All of them wild males All of them real assholes I’ll spare you the various Grotesqueries of their doom But all of them met an unfortunate And untimely end The last was a black cat Named Mr. Mojo What a blowhole He use to shit in my shoes And meow until way past 3 A.M. He would caterwaul at random Which oddly sounded like He was being screwed in the ass With a broken baseball bat He would cough up fur balls Often just as I sat down to dinner Easily ruining my appetite That thickheaded, bull of a cat Was an impossible dick He lived for sixteen solid years Never once facing his end Never once leaving my home Then one so so gloomy day I was watching television In my spider-man underoos And eating an order of hot wings Mr. Mojo walked into the room He laid down right on my feet I was sure that he was quick asleep So I let him lay there in peace He was always a greater dick If and when I woke him up There I sat for three hours Watching television Three Matlock reruns to be exact Only when I could no longer Hold in my desperate need to pee Did I attempt to get up I carefully slid Mr. Mojo off my feet But unlike so many times before He did not jump up and hiss as me Instead he just stayed frozen In his curled up position I ran across the house And peed like a racehorse Then I laid down in my bed I was tired from work so I slept Nine and half hours to be exact The next morning I woke up And made my way to the living room And there, on the floor just as before Was my at most times asshole cat I yelled as loud as could Mr. Mojo get up its time to eat He of course didn’t move I said it again and then again Slowly I went over to him Sliding my foot under his backside Prodding him to get him moving After I removed my foot I noticed That my toes were covered in cat shit Cold, runny, smelly, rancid cat shit It turns out that Mr. Mojo had died Some thirteen plus hours before And when he did He had evacuated his bowls I probably didn’t smell it because Of the hot wings I was eating I screamed as loud as I could Oh hell, Mr. Mojo you bastard And just as I did my daughter Who was only four at the time Came around the corner She cried out daddy daddy What’s wrong with Mr. Mojo I replied, quite poorly I must add And definitely because I was mad Mr. Mojo is fucking dead Not one of my shining moments Thus and because of Since then I have adopted Three other adorable kittens One named Mr. Mojo Part Two One named princess snowballs And Sir Winston Chuckle Muck All of them for my daughter All of them meant To help her mend her heart She, my wonderful daughter Has now gone off to college And I’m right here, Alone in an empty house With three, asshole cats Who are by now within what I’m certain Still is a few years of a natural death She calls me once a week on Friday And it’s usually not to ask me How it is that I am doing daddy Nope she calls and always ask How are my precious cats I always reply in the same way They are living a wonderful life… Killing Kittens While Wearing Mittens Written by Keaton Foster Copyright © 2014. |