A Personal Note...

Watching the rain trickle down steadily
Drop by drop, in a continuous motion
As I think how time fades so quickly.
Recollecting thoughts of my past,
And where I am now.

Visions of early childhood...

A wife yells to her husband "I hate you."
A plate gets smashed and shatters into pieces.
The toddler watches in fear and reacts.
Unable to communicate yet, she screams.
A family is broken emotionally.

The marriage turns to divorce.
Custody issues take place in court.
Judgments are placed on both parents.
A schizophrenic mother and an alcoholic father,
Stability does not exist.
Rejection is evident.
Home to home, Where do I belong?

A fragile, weakened soul is washed away by a grim reality,
As Abandonment is how I am used to feeling.
Self-invisibility is clearly an understatement.
I wonder to myself who can I turn to?
How can your own parents leave you in the dark?
Fate led me to live with my Grandparents.

As I grew from childhood into adolescence,
I felt misguided, lacking trust in others, and living in fear--
Wondering will I always be alone in this cold, wicked world.
Other students asked me "Why do you live with your Grandparents?"
As they perceived you differently and socially labeled you.
No one truly understood, how could they?
It was as if they saw a blurred vision of myself,
There was no clear image but what they thought they seen.

Teenage years brought trouble as I slipped down a windy slope.
Nightmares involving death and violence haunted me,
I would wake up frightened with chills going down my spine.
Darkness filled my reality as I suffered from depression.
I coped with my anxiety by splurging in alcohol.
Friday nights in a graveyard with other curious teens.
Dazed by a false bliss and escaping reality.
Trying to figure out my place in society, questioning
Will I ever feel genuine happiness or serve a purpose?

As a young adult, I gained experience and insight,
but each day I acquire new knowledge.
Disappointment is a cycle in life.
It is inevitable but you must learn to accept it.
I am not alone grieving from trauma,
as others have walked in similar shoes.
Find a balance, don't dwell on the past,
Or jump to conclusions.
The future is still unclear.
Simply, focus on the present
and hope for the best possible outcome.

My depression continues to linger,
But I manage it in healthier ways.
Listening to music is a source of escape.
The voice and rhythm of a song
Captivates me as I dance and envision
The lyrics in my vivid mind.
I keep myself busy in activities...
Writing, exercising, and crafts.
I find pleasure and meaning.

Life has not dealt me the best hand,
But I keep my head up.
I avoid negative habits,
Drugs, Prostitution, Abuse..
In aims of not becoming my parents.

Creating goals and taking actions.
Motivation gets me one step closer,
Whether I land my dream job or
find an enduring soul mate.
I feel I do have the potential.

I cut out the bad from the good.
Remaining true to myself and
not allowing others to bring me down.
Seeking respect from others but
Support is hard to come by.
I know I give my all.

Many directions to take,
But I must choose one path.
Moderation is my key to life
And I will find a way,
Guided by own beliefs.
Knowing I will fight until the end,
With or without you.
Strong-willed I am.