What have I done to us??

Its about 3am and I decide it's time to try and sleep, it's been another draining day with the stress and anxiety that has decided to make itself my shadow of late. Before going to bed I decide to look at her profile on Facebook from around the time all the trouble started. So as I read her status from that really bad day I realise that how I felt up  until now was only very sorry, because right there the full weight of sorry, of guilt, of "oh my fucking God what did I do" really hit me like a fist from some celestial realm had crashed through the ceiling and hit me full force in the chest....I break down, I sob like a child, no no a child has probably never felt such anguish and the ones that have...well that's something else... I cried like a man who had been given the once in a lifetime chance to love an angel and, though my intentions were from a good place my actions were fucking crazy and obliterated my world, but that wasn't the point now. See I was suffering my pain of losing the most beautiful being ever to walk the Earth, not just physically but actual real all round beauty, now I was experiencing true empathy for how she had felt that made her leave and true remorse for what I'd done. Now experiencing a loss that has destroyed your world is painful, but when you truly understand you are solely to blame then it's absolute fucking torture. It's feeling bad for feeling bad, like one no longer has the right to feel bad so instead you get to feel like you wanna hug that train that just went past on the tracks only 50 meters from your window. But no even that, how fucking selfish, you don't deserve to feel suicidal your too much of an asshole in this situation to get to kill yourself like a victim. But you have been victimized by your own fucking self!!!!