Waiting on Forever

Waiting on Forever

Walking around the room I felt like I was out of my body and in a place where I could watch myself interact with the rest of the world. The feeling of things changed somehow. I touched the fabrics on the bed and they all felt foreign to me. How could they be so different now though I had laid my body on them for years and years? I feel like my mind is trying to fight me for control, like there's something going on inside me that I cannot deal with alone.

         But I have to. . . I have to do it alone just like I always have. Others have tried to help me with the little things in life and I was always glad to pretend that they had helped me figure it out. They hadn't thought that after I had accepted their answers for problems that I would have more problems with the new answers than I did with the actual problems.  Why waste my time asking for the help of people who would only cast my problems to the idea of stress or procrastination? I have to try and remain normal and in tune with the normal people of the world.

         Trying to distinguish what is normal has once again become a challenge. I can't walk into a room and determine how normal the day will be anymore. Will I scribble my time away or will I focus and force myself to have a temporary attraction to whatever material we are going over today? Will the people I have come to know by name be tolerable to my aging mind? That's what it is, my mind is aging, no longer accepting the childish things I once would. Now everything is hush, hush and don't make too much of a fuss.

         But I don't want to age just yet. I am still young! I deserve some time! You can't do this to me! Give me some time to determine what is acceptable for now. I want to remain innocent not be forced into rushing through life just to share experiences with classmates and the people who are around me daily. I can be my own person, I am my own person.

They talk about love, I've never had more than a crush. They talk about romance, no one's cared about me that way. They talk about dates, never been on one other than in a dream. They talk about sex, am I the only one who decided it was best to wait for marriage? Not only for religious reasons but because I don't see it as most nineteen year olds today do. I feel like the old woman at church when I tell my friends that I don't want to have sex until I'm married, they look at me like I'm saying I don't like watching TV. I don't see what the rush is, I don't see what the point is in doing something like that so young when you know what all the risks are.

We're a bunch of kids acting like we're big and bad because we copy the shows on MTV and know all the lyrics to some song by a person who's changed their name to something half-baked and not well thought out. We are nothing until we grow up and learn to look at life from everyone's point of view.

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