After the Crash

I sat down on the stone and waited. A cool wind blew dehydrated leaves in swirls across the lawn. I didn't feel the cold; I never did when waiting for Coren. His visits heated me even in the coldest weather, though sometimes that weather prevented his visits. At least, that's what I hoped prevented them.

We met once a year on the same day because that was the easiest for both of us. Silly, probably, since we were no longer together but I wanted us to stay friends and Coren felt guilty. Our break up had been the result of a car crash, and he'd been driving so he naturally felt at fault.

Since we still argued about fault even though it had been a number of years, we'd decided to scratch it from our "catch-up list of topics". Most of the time we managed that.

Coren hadn't made it last year so anticipation curled right down to my toes as I waited. My heart still held him within its clasp, and no matter how many years passed I didn't think that love would fade. Maybe that's why he didn't come as often has he had in the earlier years. We were separated but here I was still holding my candle.

Footsteps crunching on gravel brought my head up, and I sprang upright as Coren came into view up the rise. 'You made it,' I called out.

'Yeah,' he responded, tugging his scarf away from his mouth. Always a man of few words, my Coren! But just seeing him more than made up for it. 'Sorry about last year, I just...' He shrugged and didn't finish.

'No matter, you're here this year.' I wanted to leap at him in a hug but it wasn't the done thing to do with an ex. I shoved my hands in my pockets, scuffed a shoe over the gravel. 'You look well,' I ventured after a second.

Coren gave a brief smile, rolled his eyes upward. 'You're not close enough to see the grey hairs, JR.'

Since it wasn't an invite to rectify that, I stayed still. He gave a brief lopsided grin. 'You're as gorgeous as ever.'

I swept a geeky bow but didn't speak. We were just covering the same awkward ground we did every time we met, and I found silence actually got us passed that.

Coren rubbed a hand over his head. Now he'd mentioned the grey hairs, I did see them along his temples. Stressful job, I guessed, but instead of asking that I asked if he was seeing someone. Kind of bald of me but I was curious. Coren's gaze shot downwards as it was wont to do when he felt guilt. He'd done it all the time in the early years after the crash. I let out a sigh. 'Bring him next time, maybe?'

'What? No.'

'Why? Are you ashamed of him?'

'No, he's wond...' Coren cut off when he saw my smile, realised I'd been joking. He scrunched up both brows. 'You really wouldn't mind?'

'What right have I to mind?' I asked. 'We're separated, Coren. I do understand what that means. Just cause we keep meeting doesn't mean you have to be alone! Now... he's wonderful? Tell me about him.'

Coren looked full of doubt, but eventually spilled the beans on his new partner. I couldn't deny that hearing him talk about his man really hurt, but I think I kept that hidden. And then I realised maybe I wouldn't handle seeing Coren here with his partner. Perhaps I should let him go, stop making him meet me. Maybe he'd finally get over his guilt.

Coren rubbed at his leg.

'Have you got the blade on?' I asked, nodding at the leg.

He raised the jeans to half shin. 'Nope,' he said and tapped his knuckles against the artificial shin. 'That gravel ain't good for the blade. I'd fall on my arse in two steps.' He let the jeans go and we looked at each other. 'I try not to make a spectacle of myself when I can help it.' His wry tone barely hid that ever-present guilt.

I asked what his partner made of the leg, and Coren choked on a snort of laughter but didn't speak. After a second or two he drew in a long breath, and glanced at the stone beside me. 'I still can't believe you never told me what JR stood for.'

He brought that up every year. 'You can see why,' I told him (every year), looking at the headstone. Joseph-Reagan; a double-barreled first name. 'Bit of a mouthful to yell out at certain times.'

Coren winced, making me apologise for the weak joke. And then I said, quietly, 'Coren, we don't need to keep meeting. It's been twelve years already and I shouldn't have carried it on this long. You have a partner; it's unfair making you still meet up with me.'

Coren simply shook his head, said, 'Same time next year?'

I looked at him but his gaze was fixed on the grey stone, on my name in all its lengthy carved glory. I wanted to say 'no', for a second, but that tiny little word couldn't quite get passed my lips. I still wanted him to visit, even if it was out of guilt.

Steps on gravel lifted my attention; Coren backing away. 'I'm sorry,' he croaked. 'I need to...' He thumbed over his shoulder. He didn't wait for me to respond, just turned and hurried away down the path.

All I could do was watch him go. Coren hadn't gotten off Scot free in the crash - he'd lost that lower leg and had taken a long time to come to terms with it - but he could move on. I'd stopped moving on twelve years ago when the car rolled into the ditch. I sighed down at my headstone, considered again that continuing to love someone I could not have and couldn't even touch was worse than death.

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A related story is "Gerberas for his Boyfriend"  which can be read after this one, though chronologically it comes first.