Blaze's Angel

Bored and restless, I came up with a plan that would be truly an adventure... I ran to my roommate, my best friend, Thalia. “What is it?” She said to my chattering about my genius idea for some fun as I joined her on the living room floor to watch Interview with the Vampire. “Ugh, Thalia, wouldn’t it be fun to get together with some peeps and drive around doing stuff and having fun for the summer.” Thalia laughed. “Kaila, how many ‘peeps’ are you thinking about?” “I don’t know.” I sighed as the idea of the reckless summer in a Winnebago faded away.

“Kaila?” Thalia called. “Yeah?” “Have you found yourself a man yet?” “Nope. I’m still looking; so far none of them meet my standards.” “What?” She scoffed. “Prince Charming, Knight in Shining Armor?” “Yes.” “Just how do you plan to find Mr. Mantastic?” “I don’t know, maybe he’ll just find me.” Thalia let out a long, impatient sigh. “Kai, Sweetie, with your high, hard to reach standards, you need to start trying a bit harder. He’s not going to just walk up to you, sweep you off your feet, and marry your ass.” “Thalia, you say that like I don’t ever go anywhere.” “You don’t, anymore.” “Anymore?” I repeated. “Yeah, since you and Nick broke up you never go anywhere.” “I’ve been busy,” I argued, and I have been. Writing papers and surviving a year of college, finding “me-time” to read, do yoga, watch movies, and working. I attended school at UCLA; during the summer I worked at The Dragon, an over eighteen club that was Goth, alternative, and had a really cool piercing and tattoo parlor upstairs. They had me working in the parlor, since I was nineteen and couldn’t work the bar. Two more years to go.

“Kaila, get dressed, we’re going somewhere!” Thalia blurted spontaneously. “Where?” “Just get some clothes on.” “I don’t want to,” I protested. Wordlessly, Thalia pulled me up by the arm off the beige carpet and dragged me to my room where she threw my clothes at me. Laughing as if possessed by the spirit of a hyena I picked up random articles of clothing. Surprisingly, I didn’t look bad at all. I stood in front of my full length mirror in black, stretchy, form fitting pants with sparkly stripes down the legs; the top I had selected was a purple long sleeved, belly button showing number; on my feet were my black combat boots. As I slid on my Star Fruit flavored Lip Smackers, I felt so ready to let loose and have fun, or at least move a little from my spot on the wall.

“All right, Wallflower, let’s cha cha,” Thalia cheered jingling her keys. “Let’s “cha cha” to where?” I inquired sliding my black coffin-shaped purse onto my shoulder. “A friend of Stevie’s is throwing a party,” Thalia revealed casually, brushing her jet-black hair as my heart sank a bit. “I’m not going.” “Why not?” “You and Stevie are going to be all over each other like cheese on a Big Mac while little old me won’t exist until the party’s over and you say that you’re going home with Stevie and that I shouldn‘t wait up for you.” “Shut up,” Thalia snapped pulling me to her ’98 PathFinder. “You will have a good time tonight, and if you don’t I’ll kill you.” “Is there some contract that must be signed in blood?”, I asked to be facetious.

Like so many parties I was dragged to by Stevie and Thalia I became non-existent as Thalia left me to go get it on with Stevie. Not that I don’t like Stevie, he’s nice enough and his blue hair is cool, it’s just that at times I get so jealous of what he and Thalia have. “Well, standing on the damn wall isn’t going to help get you your prince, is it?”, a little voice inside my head snapped. The voice was right. With a deep breath and Fight Song by Marilyn Manson in my ears I left the security of my wall. It was such a rush of endorphins to merge with the mass of moving bodies and feed off the gyrating energy. It was so... addictive, very very addictive.

Taking a break in my body’s best interest was a challenge even though my body was glowing from sweat, my muscles sort of ached, and my ears were ringing slightly. I walked over to a cooler full of ice water and beer cans. I plunged my arm into the one beside it, labeled the Designated Driver Cooler that was full of Sprite and Coke cans. I opened a Sprite and filled my mouth with it, taking comfort in cooling down several degrees. I held the ice cold can against my face and sighed. I felt the same relaxing cold on the back of my neck. I inhaled sharply but couldn’t move, it felt too good. I didn’t feel threatened so I stood there with cold droplets of water trickling down my back.

“Thanks,” I breathed after fighting for the nerve to speak. “No problem,” said the raspy, sexy smooth voice into my ear. My head was full of a haze. I drew closer to the guy standing behind me holding me gently at my elbows, kissing on my neck only increasing the hazy feeling in my head. He was good. I turned around and his lips were mine. So good, so so good. All night, we never stopped kissing, never broke skin contact, we didn’t talk, but the party had to end. When it did, when the kisses and touches stopped I wanted him even more. “I had fun,” He said in my ear as he buttoned his shirt and I fixed my hair and re-did my bra strap. I could only stare and get lost in his golden eyes. No words could find their way to my lips. “Call me,” He picked up a cardboard beer case, tore off a flap and wrote his number down. I held the piece of cardboard in my hand. With a hug and kiss goodbye, he was gone. I could still see him; his image burned into my brain. The way his black hair felt so soft when I ran my fingers through it, how warm and sweet his lips were, how gentle but intense his touch was, the way his voice filled my head, and the way he smelled. His cologne was intoxicating.

Alone and invisible again I went on the usual hunt for Thalia. She was found in a room in the bed with Stevie. They were dressed (thank god) just kissing rather hotly. I cleared my throat loudly and knocked on the open door. “Hi, Kaila,” Stevie grinned his ‘I just got laid’ grin. “Sup Stevie?” I realized that could be taken on many levels, so did Thalia and Stevie. We all snickered. “Keys,” I said to Thalia. “Hold on,” She said to me, before diving into a lengthy kiss with Stevie. “Baby, I have to go.” Thalia got up from the bed, grabbed her purse and left Stevie in the bed protesting her leaving him so unsatisfied. “You didn’t have to leave him,” I told her as we left, she never passes up sex with Stevie. “I am training him some more,” She revealed. “Oooh.” She continued on, “You see, guys are like wooden floors; lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever. Now, Stevie is in the stage where he’s mine. I have that boy right about here,” She tapped her palm. “That was cruel though, leaving him in such a severe state of wanting.” “That’ll just make it even sweeter later,” Thalia smirked, “He’s gonna want me and keep wanting me until I let him have me. Power, it’s fun to have.” That girl was evil.

That girl was perceptive. As we drove down the street as the sun was just brimming over the horizon, Thalia turned and looked at me suspiciously. “What?”, I snapped not liking being under her sharp blue stare. “You were with a guy tonight, weren’t you?”, she asked firmly having me cornered in the car. “Yeah,” I sighed, remembering him and how natural his presence was to me. “Who?” Her interrogation had begun. “I don’t know.” “You don’t know?” “No, he came up behind me with an ice-cold can and started kissing me and never stopped.” “Did you and him-” I knew where that question was going. “No, we didn’t, I’m not that skanky. We just made out.” “Did you get a name or a number?” My hand went into my coffin purse and came out with the flap of beer case. 426-7399 Blaze McPherson.

I paced nervously around the apartment with the cordless phone clutched in one hand and the number in the other. “What if he doesn’t remember me? What if I’m like one out of billions of girls he’s made out with at parties? What if this is some joke number, or his irate girlfriend who wants to kick my ass for being all over her man last night picks up?” Thalia just sat there looking at me as if I were crazy (of course I am, but that’s irelavent) offering no help as I walked the kitchen floor. “Look, just call the boy.” “Why?” “If you don’t, you’ll just sit here and wonder. Then I’ll be bothered with, ‘Thalia, should I have called him?’”, Thalia mocked me. “Don’t make fun of me.” “I’m sorry, you just make it too damn easy,” She got up and left the room.

I mustered my strength and one-by-one I pushed the seven buttons. A massive knot in the pit of my stomach formed and twisted as the phone rang. The ringing stopped. My heart stopped and my mind went blank, what was I going to say? “Hello?” It was Blaze. “Hi, this is Kaila, that girl you met at the coolers last night at the party,” I said calming down as I was starting to get flustered and my knot broke up into butterflies. “Oh, the really attractive girl with a coffin purse.” I laughed. “I guess that’s me.” He remembered me! Time for a personal celebration. “How’s it been?”, he asked. “Weird.” “How?” “Not being able to forget you,” I started. “What happened last night was just...different. I don’t usually do that, I mean I’m not usually that slutty.” “It wasn’t slutty,” Blaze told me. “You met a guy you liked and let him kiss you.” “I didn’t know you and you didn’t know me.” “That would not change anything. The attraction was there whether we knew names or not.” “How many other girls have you met like that?”, I asked becoming myself again. Blaze laughed slightly, “Only you. I was going to say something to you, yanno, drop a pick up line but I figured I’d help you cool off a bit first, but, things got kind of busy and words were useless then.” “Blaze, see me again.” “When?” “Whenever is good for you.” “Just one thing, Kaila?” “What?” “Is this just for kissing or is this a date?” “A date, why?” “Because, just kissing is fun, but guys do want dates too.” “Really? Guys don’t just want sex and food?” “We do, but we need more than that.” I laughed, he was being cute. “When?”, I asked again. “Are you terribly busy on Saturday night?”, Blaze asked. “I work.” “Where?” “The Dragon.” “Really, I practically live there! Where do you work?” “The piercing and tattoo parlor.” “You do the piercings, right?” “Yeah, If I did tattoos you’d look like something with a skin disease...”, I rambled. “You always chew gum.”

Blaze was remembering things about me at work. How? Did I see him there or something? Probably, but once you pierce one ear, nose, navel, labia, nipple, tongue, lip, chin, nose bridge, you’ve pierced them all. I can’t possibly remember them all. “Yeah, Blaze, did I pierce you or something?”, I asked on the verge of a migraine trying to draw up some other memory of him. “Yes, you pierced my tongue.” “How did I do?” “You were good. Gentle.” “Will you be there Saturday?” “Of course I will, and get off early; I want to take you somewhere.” “Where?”, I questioned. “That’s a surprise.” “I don’t do surprises.” “Kaila, get off the phone, I need to call Stevie!”, yelled Thalia. “Cell phone!”, I yelled back. “What was that?” “That’s Thalia, my roommate,” I said.

“I have never seen you this spastic about going to work before,” Thalia teased as I, after changing my mind at least three times, slid into my plastic coated, leather looking, camouflage pants and a black baby doll top that had a baby tiger curled up in the center with Beware of Kitten written under it. “How do I look?” I asked grabbing my fuzzy coffin purse. “No worse than usual,” Thalia teased as I stuck out my pierced tongue and left our apartment for my purple ‘99 Ford Focus. Practically ignoring the speed limit I ran into The Dragon and took my post where my piercing gun was ready for me.

Chewing my gum, I was screwing on the ball of a navel ring, while humming along with a Garbage song that was blaring over the inter-building radio. “Hey Kaila.” I jumped and turned around. I grinned and bit my bottom lip, “Hey Blaze.” “So, busy with the gum I see,” he pointed out. “Shush, it helps me concentrate when I do piercings.” “On what?”, Blaze asked with a laughing in his voice. “On nothing,” I started. “That’s just it, I concentrate on nothing and that way I can be the most talented person to ever hold one of these,” I boasted holding up my black piercing gun that had been custom designed with my stickers. Blaze snickered, “I bet you’re the best with or without the gum.”

My temperature rose and I giggled. Gazing once again into those golden eyes I fell onto my elbows resting on the counter. Blaze reached out and his hand brushed the side of my face, I giggled. He snickered again. “What?” I asked feeling just a little uncomfortable. “Nothing,” He said affectionately, “you’re just so cute.” I sighed deeply. “What?” “Nothing, it’s just that I’ve always been “cute”. It’s been “cute” and nothing else since I was four.” Blaze laughed lightly, “It’s true Kaila,” He kissed me, “and you’re the cutest body modifier in the world.” I laughed, well, he was right. “Well, yeah, I know.” “Don’t get arrogant.” “I’m not,” I insisted. “Simply reiterating the obvious.” “Right.”

Chewing my gum I went the rest of the night punching holes into people and filling them in with body jewelry. Blaze kept me company until ten o’clock when I got off work five hours earlier than usual to go with Blaze. “Where are we going?”, I asked putting on my black jacket with plastic purple stripes down the arms. “You’ll see,” Blaze chimed blindfolding me. My steps towards the exit door stopped. I was blindfolded and could not see, this I did not like. I clutched tightly onto his arm. “Trust me Kaila,” Blaze spoke. His words were smooth and soothing. I trusted him...to a certain extent. As he led me to his car I was so terribly afraid of falling or walking into a wall or a pole. Sitting in the car beside him, blindly riding around, I couldn’t adjust to it. “Blaze, where are we going?” I said loudly. “You don’t trust me?” He asked. “I don’t trust anybody.” “Me neither, but there’s always a first time for everything.” “I suppose,” I giggled.

I sighed deeply loosening the knot heavily sitting in my stomach. I kept talking. Talking kept the knot loose and kept my mind from its constant imaging of all the bad things that could happen to me in this car, blindfolded with this Blaze character. I knew that at any moment I could reach behind me and untie the cloth but in some weird way I was excited to know what was going to happen. The car slowed then stopped. My door opened and Blaze helped me out of his car. The breeze was warm; it smelled of honey suckles and sounded of crickets chirping. Blaze led me across soft earth that sank under my boots to sit me down at a stone bench.

He came around behind me to remove the blindfold. My eyes opened and scanned Lakeside Park where Blaze had taken me. We were in a gazebo lighted by votive candles. So romantic. As if this was not enough, my favorite food in the world, Chinese was on the stone pedestal table between us. “Blaze, you are good,” I said laughing happily and rather girlishly. “How’d you know?” To my question, be only smirked. It was obvious; he had talked to Thalia who had told him my favorite food because sure enough he brought me shrimp fried rice and a fruit smoothie.

For hours we sat there in the night talking and eating and flirting. So fast were we falling for each other but I didn’t mind it one bit. No I did not mind falling for Blaze as we sat on the big couch in his living room watching random things on television. I sighed lightly and cuddled close to Blaze who kissed me. Blaze’s arms wrapped around me and he began to stroke my hair. “You are an angel; you know that, right?” Blaze said softly. “You’re joking right (I kissed him) I’m no angel.” “Trust me Kaila, you are. You’re so innocent and sweet I almost hate being around you, “ he sweetly confessed.

On the couch that night, I kissed Blaze’s lips once more and never recoiled. He kissed me back and held my waist as I lay under him on the couch. Blaze’s body kept me so warm as my clothes found their way to the floor below. I moaned as Blaze slid inside me fulfilling so many needs that a girl could have. All night I was the receiver of all my Blaze had to offer me and more. I screamed his name and he gave me more. I breathed deeply beside him, catching my breath after our fit of love was calming down. “Kaila, I love you,” Blaze said kissing my lips gently. “I love you too Blaze.” I gazed over at him, his glistening muscular frame. On his back I noticed a tattoo, and no, Dragon didn’t do this one. It said OUTLAWZ and was rather large. I chose not to question it, more important questions sat heavily on my mind. “Blaze,” I called out sounding so soft. “Yeah Baby?” “How many angels do you have?” “Only you,” he told me. “There are exes in the past, but don’t worry, I love you girl. You‘re my Angel.”

The sun came hours later to wake us up. I stretched wearing one of Blaze’s shirts that was too big on me. “Hey Girl.” I giggled giving Blaze a good morning kiss. Laughing, I got up and ran away with Blaze chasing me. He caught me in the kitchen. He kissed me and held me close to him. “Thought I’d let you get away. Foolish Angel.” I laughed as he sat me on the counter kissing me more. His phone rang. He pulled away to go get it. When I protested, asking him not to, he kissed me and answered his phone. Hearing Blaze talking in a muffled voice caused that feeling I had when I saw the huge tattoo on his back to return. I was becoming extremely worried and perhaps just slightly suspicious. “Kaila Angel, (he kissed me), I have to go. Just wait here for me please and I’ll be back soon.” His voice was sweet but stressful. I got even more worried than before. I threw my arms around him, not wanting to let him go out and do whatever it was he wanted to do. “Blaze, don’t go, I have a bad feeling about this.” He kissed me, took my face in his hands and told me that, “Everything will be fine. I’ll be back, Angel, I promise.”

I stood there alone in his apartment and tried to find ways to keep myself from worrying so about Blaze. For hours I kept busy simply looking at things, not going through things, just looking at what was clearly visible. His cd collection was a mix of mostly rap and hip-hop, R&B, and a bit of rock. I like more rock and punk and grunge myself. I sighed deeply hours after Blaze’s leaving, just as worried as before. With a heavy knot of lead in my stomach, I drifted off to sleep on the couch. Lulled into that sleep by the tunes Nikki Bales on 101.9 AMP spun out to rock us all. The songs intermingled with my brain’s dreamy images creating some pretty funky scenes.

I moaned slightly feeling Blaze shaking me awake. “Kaila,” he called my name, music to my ears that greedily took in the sound of his raspy voice. “Blaze,” I threw my arms around him so happy to know that he was safe from whatever phantom fear that had vexed me so. He moaned and winced as I hugged him tighter. At that moment I realized Blaze was hurt and two other guys standing near the door. Like Blaze they too had the big baggy pants, baggy shirts, and the Timberland boots but their faces were hard, not affectionate like Blaze’s. They radiated really bad violent vibes that made me look into Blaze’s golden eyes for safety. He smiled. “Nate, Carlos, this is my Angel, Kaila. Kaila, these are my boys, well, a few of ’em.” I still didn’t like them too much; they seemed a bit shady in character.

To hell with them, Blaze was hurt. I forgot all about them and ripped off Blaze’s Carolina-blue with bold black stripes down the arms, shirt to see the six-inch long, luckily, shallow gash behind his left arm. It was slightly swollen with the blood just beginning to clot. “Blaze, what the hell happened?!?” “Tell me when I get back,” I fussed darting to his bathroom. Typical guy, no proper first-aid kit. Not even a tube of Neosporin to work with. I managed to scrape up a bottle of peroxide, a bag of cotton balls, a gauze bandage and some bandage tape. At least he had the gauze and tape to work with. With a soapy washcloth along with my first-aid essentials I went back into the living room.

“Now what happened?” I asked again, busy cleaning his wound with the soapy cloth. “Some dudes killed his cousin and we had to get ’em for that shit,” boasted the one who responded to Carlos. I sighed heavily. “You should see what Blaze did to the guy who cut him. Got his ass good,” the Nate one continued. “Blaze,” I stopped with his wound holding a peroxide soaked cotton ball in my hand, “did you, kill a person?” “I didn’t kill a person,” He said coldly. “I killed a Blood, they aren’t people.” “Blaze,” I said in utter shock. “Kaila, you wouldn’t understand; you’re too sweet.” He was right, I was. My eyes had been blinded to that side of people; I had been so sheltered. “Kaila, my Angel,” Blaze said hugging me upon my finishing with his wound, “I hate to do this to you but-” I didn’t want to hear him tell me what was already so clearly placed before my eyes. “Shh,” I quieted him, “don’t tell me. I already know.” “Then why are you still here hugging me?” “I love you.” “You’re too understanding.” “Angels are made to be that way,” I chimed cutely.

“Spent the night with Blaze, I see,” Thalia started as soon as I came home. “I’m so scared.” I sank onto the couch with Thalia beside me. “Why?” “Blaze. He’s in this gang thing and...It’s just so scary. Like, what if something happens to him? The aspect of him on drugs and stuff doesn’t really bother me because Blaze said he’d do and sell weed, but I don’t want something bad happening to him.” “Kaila, you’re a gangster’s girlfriend?” She was teasing. “Stop making fun of me.” “Poor Kaila, take a joke.” “Ha cubed.” That means ha ha ha-get it? “Where’s Stevie?” I asked. “Right here Kaila, in the flesh, so fresh and so clean,” boasted a fresh from the shower Stevie. “Riiiight.” I left the living room once Thalia and Stevie started talking all sweet, and hugging and kissing and acting like Blaze and me. It was sickening. I retreated to my room to watch Gone with the Wind before a bubble bath, a TV dinner and bedtime.

All to wake up to my day job. At night I have fun puncturing people at Dragon but that does not pay the bills, it buys me clothes. The bills are paid by my job as “Jade Blossom” at New Age-ish Health Spa and Resort. I’m a yoga instructor and massage therapist. I also dabble in aromatherapy. I try not to tell people about my spa job because for some reason a lot of people think it’s rather funny. Thalia always makes fun of me for doing yoga in the living room to rock music, oh well, I’m super flexible and the minute she pulls a muscle or hurts her back she whines to me. It’s a fair trade off though, the second I catch a cold or have an emotional problem I know my big sister Thali is gonna be there for me.

I walked into Jade Blossom the next morning sipping on a raspberry smoothie and stretching out a bit. “Hey Kaila,” my friend and instruction assistant, Hailey greeted me. “Hey Chick, what’s up?” I said adding some pep to my step as I closed the distance between us. “I brought Trevor,” she chimed moving her eyes to the left of her. I looked excitedly in that direction and sure enough, sitting in a baby carrier seat was her 5-month-old son. He was an adorable baby boy with gray eyes and jet-black curls to cover the top of his head. I was so enamored with her baby. “Can I?” I pleaded, wanting to hold him. “Sure.” “Yippy.” I bent down and held in my arms a giggling, spit bubble blowing, warm and cuddly Trevor. I fell in love with the feeling of brooding care that I was becoming overcome with. I did not want to give him back. I spent the whole morning before work playing with Trevor; I even talked in baby talk. He was so adorable. He wrapped his teeny little hand around my index finger. Whenever he laughed his little feet kicked up in fuzzy blue socks. All during our yoga classes and my massage sessions my mind kept wandering to thoughts of motherhood, a family and a little baby of my own.

When I was with Blaze the feeling only intensified. I sighed dreamily as we cuddled on his couch again. I was staring off into space, day dreaming about me, Blaze, a baby boy. Blaze’s golden eyes looked deep into mine. “Kaila, what’s my Angel thinking?” “I love you.” He kissed me and told me that he loved me too, but he knew that wasn’t all of it and his expression showed it. “I was just thinking about-” I stammered and killed that thought stream. “I want a baby,” I divulged to him as he hugged me. He squeezed my waist and looked deep into my eyes still. “I want a family, Blaze.” “Kaila, are you sure? This is me we’re talking about,” he said slashing a bit at the feelings that I felt. No, inadvertently he had taken a stab at the heart. I felt like crying or retracting my confession. I started to withdraw a bit from him. “Kaila, what’s wrong?” Blaze asked holding my face in his hands again. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I walk out that damn door everyday without knowin’ what’s gonna happen to me. I can’t subject a kid to that. I feel bad enough subjecting you to that.” Tears were gently rolling down my cheeks. “Angel, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” He wiped my tears away, kissed my lips and hugged me close to him, playing in my hair. I felt a little bit better.

“You didn’t stay at Blaze’s?” Thalia questioned as I sulked into the apartment. “No,” I pouted sitting on the couch. Thalia laughed. “Put that lip away.” I sucked in my bottom lip. “Now tell me what’s wrong.” “I want a Trevor,” I whined. “A what?” “That’s Hailey’s baby boy.” “And you want a baby.” “Yes but Blaze doesn’t. He says that he doesn’t want to subject a kid to his lifestyle but I really want a kid, a family.” “Blaze has a point, what if you two have a kid and he gets shot?” “What if we have a kid and I get sick and die?” “Kaila you’re being ridiculous you know Blaze is right, he‘s more likely to die from getting shot than you are from being sick.” I sighed deeply, stood up and left the living room. I did not cry but another long shower scented with Juniper and Jasmine was in order. To relax myself I did what came naturally, yoga. I was in the process of doing a Sun Salutation when the phone rang. “It’s Blaze!” Thalia called from the kitchen. “I’m in the middle of a yoga workout.” I didn’t feel like dealing with Blaze. “He says he loves you.” I was doing more postures. “You fucking idiot,” Thalia scolded. “Why didn’t you talk to him?” “I’m doing yoga”, I was in Down Dog. “Kaila, you have your Mr. Mantastic now don’t blow it by being stupid.” “I can’t talk to him right now, I’m busy,” I went up to Plank and transitioned into Up Dog.

I avoided Blaze that whole night and didn’t call him at all the next day. After my break I had a new penciled in massage client. I changed from my yoga clothes into my black flare pants and Chinese red oriental style shirt with gold designs. I approached the table holding up a well-toned guy with quite a nice bum. A few steps got me close enough to see that it was Blaze, the tattoo and cut gave it away. “What are you doing here?” I asked, my hands working at his lower back. “I know you can’t ignore me if I’m here.” “What do you want?” “Why are you ignoring me?” “I’m not ignoring you, I’m just, oooh, I dunno what I’m doing.” I worked out a lot of my tension while working out his. “I just know what I feel but I also know that you’re right.” “Kaila-” “Shh,” I breathed gently massaging his shoulders. I was glad he showed up. He made the rest of my day a little brighter.

In the silence Blaze and I bonded again. It was something about the way he looked at me that melted my heart. I melted under his touch that night. He kissed my lips as we lay in his bed. His kisses moved lower to my neck. As my voice quivered his name Blaze seized me and I gladly let him take me. I moaned as he slid inside me, screamed as he thrust inside me. I felt my chest heave against his as I tried to catch my breath. Blaze held me close to him. “I love you Kaila,” Blaze declared looking into my eyes as my fingers ran through his hair. I kissed his lips. To his lips I gave many sweet little kisses. “I love you too,” I said breathlessly, riding him with my legs wrapped around his waist. Holding onto Blaze so tightly my arms hurt, I climaxed with a deep tremble quaking through my body. As the climax fell Blaze kissed my lips lying me down gently on the bed. I hugged him close to me and kissed him more. Kissing him I feel asleep in his arms with the good feeling of Blaze softly stroking my face.

I sat in my doctor’s office with a Jolly Rancher lollypop in my mouth kicking my feet waiting for my doctor to come back from running tests. I got bored. Sitting still never was my thing. Naturally, I got up to do yoga postures in the open space. I was stretching, after coming up from Cobra that turned to Sphinx, when there was a knock on the door. I was back to sitting on the bed when Dr. Nadia Surlenga stepped back into the room. “Kaila, your tests came back and you’re all clear except for one thing.” Oh gosh. “What is it?” I cringed planning to hear yeast infection, urinary tract infection, a strain of the flu, or maybe a minor STD certainly not, “Kaila, you’re pregnant, six weeks.” My jaw dropped. I wrapped my arms around my stomach. I thought of Blaze. I leaned against the wall behind me. “Kaila, are you okay,” Dr. Surlenga asked me caringly. “I’m fine...I think.” “Are you going to keep it?” “Yes!” I declared loudly. “I’m just worried about how Blaze is going to take it. My schedule at UCLA is flexible and the baby can go to the day care at Jade Blossom and when classes start I won’t work at Dragon anymore. I know Thali will help and I have enough money saved up. Oh, Blaze.” I was nearly almost about to cry. I had to get home.

By the time I got to Thalia I was crying. Thalia held me in her arms like I was a baby and let me cry. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” She asked rubbing my arm. “I’m six weeks pregnant,” I sobbed on her red shirt. “Does Blaze know?” “No. He said he didn’t want kids and I’m scared to tell him.” “Are you keeping it?” I grumbled and socked her in the arm. “Hey, I’m pregnant over here, don’t hit pregnant people!” I wailed as she hit me back in the arm. “Your spawn is in your uterus not your arm.” “Shut up and stop talking about my little baby like that,” I laughed when the phone rang. I leapt up from the couch to answer. “Hello?” “Hey Angel.” It was Blaze. My heart leaped and my tummy started to flutter. “Blaze honey, sweetie, baby, I got something to tell you,” I started (making myself sound cute on purpose) then realized I wanted to him in person. Why, so he can slap me, say it isn’t his; blame it all on me, call it a mistake and me not be able to hang up the phone. “What’s that?” “Well, it’s something I can’t tell you over the phone sos you gotta come over here sos I can tell you.” “Really?” “Yeah really and stop at Fortune Garden to get me some Chinese.” “Anything else Angel?” “Yeah, hurry up.” “Anything for my Angel.”

Obviously Blaze listened well. In about forty minutes there he was in my arms holding my box of shrimp fried rice with extra shrimp and no onions in his hand. I decided to tell him about the baby as I ate my food. “Blaze babe,” I started. “Yeah Angel?” “Blaze honey, I’m six weeks pregnant. I know you don’t want a baby and I’m sorry-” “No Angel, don’t be sorry. A baby is a wonderful thing.” “Really?” “Yeah really Angel.” I sighed and hugged him. “Kaila, it hurts me that you would think I wouldn’t want the baby.” “I’m sorry, it’s just that you said you didn’t want one and you didn’t want to subject your kid to your life and-” “Kaila, that life is over now.” “But then how will you get money?” “Kaila, I can get a job.” “Where?” I asked wanting to know what Blaze liked to do, not to doubt him. “My uncle has a permanent open position for a mechanic at his auto shop and the job pays really well.” “How much is really well?” “$12.50 an hour for me, not because he’s my uncle but because I went to school for it and I’m really good at it. But don’t worry Angel, we’ll be fine,” Blaze said with a kiss.

Eventually I moved over to Blaze’s house while still keeping my room at Thalia’s. Somehow Blaze got out of the gang; he had to shoot a guy from another gang in the face three times. He was safe now and he was mine. I loved not having to worry so much about him every time he left out the door. When he kissed me I didn’t fear it would be the last kiss we shared. When I held him I wasn’t afraid that my arms would be left empty. One morning I sat on the counter eating a bowl of cereal dressed in my yoga clothes.

At five months my pregnancy was showing. Blaze was running around the apartment fresh from the shower in blue boxers. “Sexy,” I teased as he pulled on his baggy jeans. “Yeah, I know I am. Too sexy for clothes.” “Oh puh-lease Blaze. Why don’t you dress more like Justin Timberlake?” “Because I’m not a faggot like him.” “Justin isn’t a faggot; he’s a cutie.” “Cuter than me?” Blaze asked sweetly as if his feelings were about to be hurt. “No baby,” I kissed his lips. “Nobody’s cuter than my Blaze.” “Nobody’s cuter than my Angel; and I’ll start dressing like Timberlake when you start dressing like Beyoncee Knowles from Destiny’s Child.” “Eww never,” I protested as Blaze kissed me. “I love you Kaila,” he said sweetly. I giggled. “I love you Lucas,” he said to my stomach.

By the way, our baby boy was Lucas Sebastian McPherson. As I ate more cereal Blaze turned the radio on to play one of the few rap songs we both liked, “Put it on Me” by JaRule. “Where would I be without my baby? The thought alone might brake me. And I don’t wanna go crazy. But every thug needs a lady...” Blaze took over for JaRule as I filled in for Lil Mo. That’s our song. “Can I go get dressed now?” Blaze asked. “No way Mister Too Sexy for Clothes,” I teased still eating my cereal. It was All Berries Captain Crunch, my fave. The best part is drinking the milk. As the sweet red, blue, and purple swirled milk disappeared from the bowl something hit my lip. I looked down into the bowl to pick up a really shiny white gold two-carrot engagement ring! I sat the bowl down and hugged Blaze. I kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. “Kaila McPherson, sounds good,” I grinned as Blaze kissed my lips sweetly.

I ran into Jade Blossom with more than just a pregnant woman’s glow. I was luminescent as Hailey reported. “What’s with you?” She asked. “And how’s Baby Lucas?” “Baby Lucas is a good little monster and look it!” I held up my left hand. “Oh my gosh! Kaila congratulations!” She threw her arms around me and hugged me. Somewhere, crawling around the day care was a ten month-old-Trevor. “You know Blaze is going to take such care of you.” Hailey loved Blaze; she met him when he came by one day out of the blue just to bring me Chinese and Hershey’s sundae pie. The sweetest thing though is the glass of orange juice I get every morning beside my snack that Blaze insisted on fixing for Lucas. Never was his snack Doritos or cookies or brownies but apples with peanut butter, strawberries and small thing of whipped cream, bananas and chocolate dipping stuff, always nutritious.

By my sixth month Lucas and I were craving something innutritious. While Blaze was out one day Thalia came over to the apartment and we made brownies. Sweet yummy fudgey goodness. I was in heaven. The doorknob turned. I froze as Blaze came in, my mouth full of brownie and another in my hands behind my back. “Kaila, what’s in your mouth?” He asked suspiciously. “Nothing,” I said around the brownie. “What’s behind your back?” “Nothing.” “Kaila.” I knew exactly how to get out of this. I pouted. I stood there and pouted and made my eyes look like they were about to cry. He melted. “Fine, Angel, you can have the brownies.” “Thank you Blaze,” I chimed kissing his cheek. “Anything for my Angel.” “Good.” “Can I get one?” He asked. “Nope.” “Why not?” “Because the brownies are for the pregnant people only.” “Thalia isn’t pregnant.” “But Thalia is kewl so she can have the brownies too.” “That’s not fair.” “Yeah it is.”

“Mean Kaila,” Blaze pouted. He held his hand to my face. I noticed some knicks and scratches on his other hand. “Blaze, how’d you get those?” I was back in my over-caring nursing fiancee mode. “I got into it with a dude on 5th street today,” Blaze told me as his eyes shifted. Instantly I knew why he was fighting. He was back in the Outlawz. With a hand on my stomach I looked into his eyes for a painful second before I raced to our room. I laid there crying my eyes out in the dark hearing Thalia yelling at him for making me cry. She hadn’t gotten why. “Kaila,” Blaze called out softly as I tried miserably to hide the fact that I was bawling. “You lied to me, Blaze. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to Lucas?” “I didn’t mean to Kai. I wanted to tell you but I knew how happy me being out made you and I didn’t want to do this to you.” “How could you go back? If you loved me and Lucas at all you wouldn’t have been able to go back!” “Are you sayin’ I don’t love you Kaila and that I don’t love my own son?” Blaze yelled back at me. “How could you lie to me like that, Blaze? You said you were out! You said that life was over! You told me I had nothing to worry about anymore. That the three of us could be happy but you didn’t mean any of it did you?” “Kaila I meant it-” “Then how could you go back?” I yelled. “It’s a way of life. It’s my way of life. I’m sorry Angel; you fell for an Outlaw. I can’t change who or what I am.” “That means more to you than being my husband and Lucas’s father?” I asked as my voice broke. “Nothing means more to me than you and Lucas, but baby, I can’t change.”

I didn’t say anything to him. I just looked at him. In his eyes it looked like his heart was breaking. He leaned in and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you Kaila,” he breathed against my neck. “I love you and Lucas. I’d never hurt the two of you intentionally. Forgive me for being what I am.” He placed a hand on my stomach. He was feeling Lucas’s heart beat. Blaze loved Lucas so much. He would make these voice recordings to play for him when he was older, he would write in my journal that I kept for Lucas to give to him when he turned eight-teen. I felt a tear hit the base of my neck. Blaze was crying. “I love you Blaze,” I told him as I held him in my arms, running my fingers through his hair, stroking his face. “I don’t deserve you Kaila,” Blaze whispered. “You’re too good a woman to marry a lowly thug like me.” “Blaze,” I said taking his face in my hands. “I love you. I’m going to be your wife, Lucas is going to be our son and babe, and there is nothing lowly about you.” I kissed his lips sweetly then held him again. “I need you forever Kaila. Never leave me.” In my arms this man I had once thought unbreakable was crying and opening up to me. “Shh,” I quieted him. “You know I never will. Angel’s don’t leave.” “How was so lucky? Of all the girls there, I got the good one.” “We’re soul mates. We’re destined to find each other no matter where we are.”

“Blaze, c’mon,” I whined pulling him into Dragon. He followed me like a baby duck all the way back to piercing and tattoo parlor. Gianna was the new piercing girl, she was cool enough but I was better. I walked over to Jillian, an award winning tattoo artist, and she hugged me. “Kaila, you are so big!” She exclaimed hugging me. “So, how can I help ya, Chick?” “I want Blaze written in flame letters here.” Here would be on my right breast. “Good choice. Sit, and be lucky I’m not busy,” Jilli joked as I sat down with my pierced tongue out of my mouth. “Hey, that kinda thing is for Blaze, not me.” We laughed. I grabbed Blaze’s hand as I felt the first needle pricks. I breathed calmly and slowly thinking about yoga while squeezing Blaze’s hand. “Done,” Jilli said proudly forty-five minutes later. I let go of Blaze’s hand. I admired my new tattoo. “I like,” I smiled. I looked to Blaze for his opinion. “Damn, I look so good on you,” he smirked with loving arrogance. “Show her,” Jillian urged looking at Blaze who smiled at me. He took off his jacket and held up his shirt. In the center or his chest was a red heart. The heart in itself was beautiful but inside was a very pregnant nude version of me with Lucas scripted on the tummy. I was sitting down with my arms behind me propping myself up. Kaila was scripted down my arm. Blaze tied in the Angel thing by giving me wings and a halo. “Blaze, it’s wonderful,” I mused. “Eww sick,” Jilli cringed as Blaze leaned in and kissed me.
I managed to get Blaze to let me work pregnant for quite some time.

When I was seven months pregnant, Blaze said that I couldn’t work anymore. All I did at work was yoga and aromatherapy but Blaze wanted me home so I stayed home nice and pregnant for him. Of course Blaze stayed with me. Nate and Carlos came over a lot sometimes they brought other Outlawz with them and they were pretty nice. They brought over baby boy clothes and diapers and bottles. Thalia didn’t like them much. She really didn’t like the fact that Blaze was in the Outlawz either, but she still loved him. “Bye baby, I’m going over Thalia’s,” I said kissing Blaze goodbye. He wouldn’t let me go. He held my waist and looked down into my eyes. “I’ll see you tonight Angel; I’m hanging with the guys tonight.” “Okay,” I hugged him. “Love you Kaila,” he kissed me. “Love you Lucas,” he kissed my tummy. I got one last kiss from him as we parted.

“Oh my god!” Thalia cheered in shock as I come in. “Blaze finally let his pregnant Mrs. McPherson out of the house.” “I know, it’s a miracle. He’s hanging with the Lawz tonight.” I sighed as I let my pregnant self fall onto the couch. “You got anything here that’s chocolaty and not healthy for me?” I asked Thalia as I looked at my engagement ring that I had to wear on a chain until my fingers unswelled. “Yeah, I made devil’s food cake just for you and Lucas. It’s in the kitchen on the counter.” “Yippy,” I cooed pushing myself up and going in the kitchen. By the end of the night Thalia and I had polished off the cake and a jug of milk. I sighed dreamily as my cell phone rang. “Hello?” I picked up. “Kaila?” It was a guy who wasn’t Blaze. “Yeah?” “It’s Josh.” “Hey, what is it Joshie?” Josh is like a younger brother to Blaze and just got into the Outlawz. I’m super caring with him too; he’s only sixteen. He’s a little kid. “It’s Blaze Kai; he’s real fucked up.” “Joshie, where are you? Where’s Blaze?” The sudden addition of urgency in my voice alerted Thalia. “What is it?” I shished her as Josh told me Blaze was at the hospital. I grabbed a random set of keys. We were taking the PathFinder. I floored the gas pedal the whole way there. I ran into the lobby. Josh, Nate and Carlos were there. I knew it wasn’t good by the look on their faces. “What’s wrong?” My voice was braking; tears were in my eyes. Carlos hugged me. “Where’s Blaze?” I asked strongly. “C’mon Kaila.” The three of them led me to the room where Blaze lay there, hooked up to this machine and that. There were so many tubes and wires.

“What happened to him?” I asked. Josh hung his head. “Me an’ these Kings were in it and Blaze came up. Then more of ’em came. Then they pulled a gun. Blaze pushed me down and then he got shot,” he mumbled. I walked over to him. I knew he knew I was there. I placed a hand on his face. I put his hand on my tummy. “Blaze, I love you. I know you don’t want this to happen. I know you wanted to be here to be my husband and to be Lucas’s father and to watch out for Joshie but I guess that can’t happen. I know that in our next lifetime, we’ll find each other again. I promise I’ll be a good Angel, and an even better mommy to Baby Lucas. I promise I’ll take care of Joshie. Please don’t stay here in misery because of me. I know you want to stay but we both know that you can’t. So, I’ll let you go off to a better place and I’ll be a strong Angel for you.” I bent over and kissed his lips.

It was as if he held on fighting until I got there. Shortly after my words to him he let go. I cried into my hands letting no one console me. I sat alone with Thalia in the lobby. “How am I going to do this?” I asked her. “How am I going to raise this boy all by myself?” Thalia wrapped her arm around me and patted me. “You can move back into my place until you’re ready. Then you can find a nice two-bedroom place for you and Lucas," she said soothingly. “Yeah,” I sniffed. “That sounds nice and Blaze would want that.” I couldn’t bring myself to go to his funeral; all the sadness would have killed me. If I needed anything, the Outlawz, along with Thali, took care of me. I mourned and grieved. I was constantly wearing his old shirts. I would listen to the tapes he made for Lucas just to hear his voice. I missed him so much. There were nights when all I did was cry and scream myself hoarse.

I kept myself strong for Lucas. I woke up one day in pain! I screamed as a painful contraction ripped at my stomach. (Technically my uterus, but anyway... I was in pain who gives a damn about technicalities) “What is it, Sweetie?” Thalia asked rushing from her bedroom in her red silk pajamas and black fuzzy slippers. I held my tummy. Looking down we both saw my water break and leak onto the carpet in my room. “Let’s go!” She yelled grabbing me, grabbing her keys and dragging me to her car. I screamed and wailed in the back until she screeched to a stop at the hospital. “Her name’s Kaila, her baby’s Lucas and her water thingy broke and she started leaking,” I heard Thalia say before I screamed in pain. I was carried to a deliver y room where I went through the typical delivery scene that I’ll spare you from. Just me screaming, Thalia calming me down, doctors yelling at me to push, me crying because Blaze wasn’t there, then the world’s, no, the universe’s most perfect baby boy was placed into my arms. Lucas Sebastian McPherson. He was so cute, so tiny, so wonderful. His uncles Josh, Nate and Carlos adored him and respected that I said he’d never be in a gang.

When I was released from Maternity Ward I took Lucas to go visit Blaze. I laid a black rose under the head stone. I sat beside the grave with Lucas in his baby carrier seat. “Hey Blaze,” I started. “I know I wasn’t at the funeral but you know I wouldn’t have been able to stand it. I miss you. This is our son Lucas. Isn’t he wonderful and perfect? He doesn’t cry much. He’s got your eyes though, pure and golden. I look at those eyes and he reminds me of you. I feel as though I haven’t lost you completely, I see you whenever Lucas looks back at me. He even laughs like you. Joshie is doing fine. He simply adores Lucas. He misses you a lot too. I still can’t get over how much like you Lucas came out. I can see a little bit of me but as you can see, he looks like his Daddy. I miss you Blaze. I love you. I promise I’ll be back to talk to you soon and I’ll bring Lucas a lot too.”
Serenity Flame
June 25, 2001