Why Change Yourself for Someone Else

Zoe and Grace.  Grace and Zoe.  That was how it had always been.  I’m Zoe Hutchins of Hallowell, Maine.  Most people have no idea that this little town is near Augusta.  Anyway, Grace McCulloch has been my BFF since first grade.  We have been through a lot together, and everyone knows that.  An outsider would think we were sisters; it’d be pretty cool if we were.  A quote that we share is God made us best friends because our parents couldn’t handle us as sisters.  It’s true!  We just complete each other. 

         Today starts the second half of freshman year.  My parents, Elizabeth and Tyler, warned me that high school might be hard and a difficult transition, blah blah blah.  But really, it hasn’t been that terrible.  Connor, my older brother, said that it was just different for most people.  But since I was going with Grace, it just seemed like another day of school. 

         “Hey Tim. Hi Tim! ...Sup,” I tried all of these, but none of them sounded perfect for approaching my crush, Tim Dalloway.  Oh he is dreamy!  But then look at me: brown wavy hair to the middle of my back, not overweight but not underweight, bright green eyes, light skin.  If Tim could look past all the average features for one sec, then he would see that I am compassionate, approachable, and a great friend.  Oh, but Tim would never get that far.  He doesn’t realize that we are soul mates.  Yet.  He’ll get there. rrrrRRRRRRING!

         “Hey Zoe!!” It was Grace.

         I smiled, “What would you do if someone other than me answered the phone, huh? You barely give the answerer a chance to answer the phone before you start talking!”

         Her cute little laugh rang across the call. “Well what else can I do? I have to snap you out of your soul mate trance.”

         I blushed. “Whaaaaaaaaaaat!? Psshhhhhhhh… I wasn’t… in a…. trance!!!!” Crap, Grace would see right through that one.

         “Uhhhh-huh. I’ll let you off the hook this time.  But where are you? I am almost to your house, and I don’t see one piece of your hair.”

         “On my way, psychic!”  Grace was still laughing as I hung up.  I raced around my house, grabbing my lunch, backpack, and extra binders.  “BYE MOM, SEE YA DAD!!” I yelled over my shoulder before I slammed the front door and raced down the sidewalk to the end of the street.  There was Grace, waiting impatiently.  At first I worried that I had made her wait too long, but the sparkle in her eye gave her away.

         “Okay so I know I’m a little early, but I wanted to surprise you.” Grace breezed right through the sentence.

         “Surprise me for what?” I was instantly on edge.  Grace was an awesome friend, but she had a tendency to go a liiiiittle overboard when it came to surprises.

         “Your fifteenth birthday!”

         “Nope. Sorry. Got the wrong girl, or the wrong day.”  I grinned.  Grace would never miss a birthday even if she was on a two month vacation half way around the world.

         “Hahaha.  Seriously.  Now close your eyes.”  I obediently closed my eyes, but kept my ears on high alert in case she decided to pick up a bug or something.  I was focused so hard on listening I almost missed the slight pressure into my palm. “Okay, open up.”

         I opened my eyes and looked down.  It was the half of one of those cute little BFF necklaces.  “Who has-" On Grace’s collarbone lay the matching half.  “Oh Grace! It’s gorgeous! Thank you so much!!” I gave her a giant bear hug.

         “Can’t! Breathe! Vision. Going. Black!” Grace gasped jokingly from my clutches.

         “Yeah right. You and I both know that these noodle arms don’t have any meat on them.”  I flapped my arm for emphasis.

         “Well that brain does, so you have to realize that class starts in ten minutes.  Race you there!” Grace took off towards the high school.

         “Hey!”  I shouted after her.  I knew I would catch up though.  Grace was better at a lot of things, but I had running in the bag.

         The school day seemed really short, but it might have been just because it was the first day of no midterms.  I walked home with Grace at my side. 

“Hey we’re home!!”  My family was used to me bringing Grace to our house, so they were only surprised when I didn’t.

         “Hey! I’m back here.” Connor yelled from the back of the house.  Of course. He always stole the TV after school.  But that was okay.  Grace and I just hung out in my room.  I flopped on my bed and woke up my iPod.  I launched Instagram and started scrolling.  Chelsea’s latest post came into view. Chelsea is in my class, but I don’t really go out of my way to interact with her because boy, can she be rude.  She and Annabeth, her sidekick, were chatting in the comments.



@chel_chel437: Heyyy @annab_loveee82 did u c zoe 2day in English?

@annab_loveee82: Uh yea i saw her……… y??? @chel_chel437

@chel_chel437: Do i have 2 xplain everything!!!??? Mrs Kruk soooo didnt rmbr that we had hw. Zoe reminded her when she knew that 1/2 of us didnt do it @annab_loveee82

@annab_loveee82: o rite! Omg zoe is such a buzz kill @chel_chel437

@chel_chel437: A fat buzz kill @ that @annab_loveee82



         I couldn’t read any further.  My vision was blurred by angry tears.  Grace looked up when a sob escaped my lips. 

“Zoe!! What’s wrong?” Grace was at my side in a second.  I shoved my iPod into her hand and rolled over onto my stomach.  Grace gasped when she read the comments.  “Zoe, Zoe, don’t cry! Don’t listen to them! They are just being their mean old selves!”

         “But what if they’re RIGHT! Huh?” I yelled into my pillow.

         “Zoe, how can they be right? I hang out with you.  You have tons of friends, real friends.  You have a great figure!  If I didn’t know you as well as I do, I’d be jealous.  Chelsea and Annabeth are too,” Grace consoled me.

         “They are? How do you know?”

         “Well, they wouldn’t be saying these things if they weren’t jealous.”

         I wanted so hard to believe her.  But then those little black words would pop back up in my mind.

         In the next two months, everything changed.  I straightened my hair every day.  I wore designer clothes and shoes.  I started hanging out with the same people who caused this change.  I wanted to prove to them that I could be fun.  I cut back on what I was eating.  I followed them around all the time.  Whenever Grace looked at me with those big sad brown eyes, guilt stabbed me in the gut.  But then I saw those little black words again, and I turned away to kiss Tim on the cheek.  That was the one good thing about all of this.  Tim Dalloway.  The day I came to school with my new look and sat down next to Chelsea, Tim looked at me and said, “Hey you’re Zoe right?” Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalelujah! I could barely whisper my dumb “uh-huh” of a response.  The next day he waited for me at my locker.  Things quickly progressed from there, and we were an item.  I was elated.  That first kiss was amazing, and it was then that I was truly glad that I had changed.

         I had made it a habit to sneak out every Friday night.  We either went to a party or just hung out in Augusta.  Even though Tim was a freshman he had been held back a couple years, so he was old enough to drive us all around.  It was Friday, April 13th [ironically] when my dad was waiting for me on the ground below my window.  He was sitting on the patio chair.  I instantly regretted not making sure he was asleep before I tried to leave.  My feet had just touched the ground when his voice rumbled through the darkness.

         “Going somewhere?”

         I spun around, my heart in my throat.  He flipped on the patio light, and I was blinded for a second.  My dad gasped.  I looked down and remembered what I had put on for the midnight pool party.  It was oddly warm for an April night and we were grabbing it by its horns.  My ribs stuck out from under the blue-spotted bikini top, and my knees shook below my daisy-dukes.  My second regret during this encounter was not grabbing my Red Sox hoody from my closet.

         “Uh, just thought I’d go for a little stroll. It’s a nice night, after all…” I managed a half hearted excuse.

         “Why didn’t you use the front door? And why, I am hesitant to ask, are you going in that?”  He spit the last word out like a bug.

         “Well, I didn’t want to wake anybody up by using the door…. And like I said, nice night!”

         “Inside.  Kitchen.  Now.  Your mother and I will meet you there.”  I glanced fleetingly over my shoulder, judging my chances of getting away on foot.  Tim was supposed to pick me up a block away from my house; I could probably make it that far.  “Don’t even think about running.  I have the truck warmed up in the driveway ready to go after you.”  Dang.  There’s my dad for you.  Never going half the distance.  I sighed and traipsed into the house.  I had left my tennis shoes in the bushes where I stashed them yesterday after school, so I was freezing by the time Dad got back with Mom.  Thankfully, even though Mom was mad, she was still a mom and had grabbed the hoody I had wished for five minutes ago.  She tossed it to me, and I shrugged it on. 

         “Spill,” Mom said the moment my head came back into view.  A lot of other teenagers in this situation would have flawlessly pulled off a lie so elaborate that it was believable.  That doesn’t work for me for two reasons: 1. I am a terrible liar.  2. My mom has a weird gift and can tell when anyone is lying or telling half the story.  So I slumped a little in my chair and quietly told them everything.  Starting from the last afternoon that I brought Grace home and ending with lunch today when we laid out the plan to go to Annabeth’s pool party.  When I finished, I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding.  I had expected them to cut me off when I told them about the first party.  But my parents could win every poker face competition in the States.  They sat there like statues the entire time.  Now they stood up and pulled me into a group hug.  I froze.  Where was all the anger, the punishments, the yelling?? I had mentally prepared myself for all of it, but none of it came.  What!!?? 

“Honey, why would you ever feel that you had to change yourself because of something someone else said?  Everything you do should be to make yourself happy!” Mom said into my hair.  “Did you get anything out of this that made you happy?”

         “Uh, yeah! Tim Dalloway!” I was shocked that they hadn’t picked that up right away from my tales. 

         Dad chuckled.  “Zo, I don’t mean to break you down or anything, but think about it; did Tim even spare you a glance before you changed your image? When you were you true self?”

         “Wull…. No. But-”

         “There aren’t any buts.  Any boy of your love life should love you for you.  Anybody else is just there for the look.”  I guess, deep down, I already knew that.  But to acknowledge the truth of it still hurt.

         “I know Daddy,” I murmured quietly. 

         “Zoe, I don’t know, maybe this is your true self. I don’t think so, but that doesn’t matter! You can go to that party if you think that’s what you want.” Mom said.

         “Whoa.  Wait.  Hold the phone.  I can go to the party!?” I asked incredulously. My excitement was short lived.  My parents’ poker faces showed disappointment for a half a second, but I saw it.  They were giving me the choice, but they still wanted me to revert to my true self.  I didn’t like to use their terminology, but it was true.  Two months ago, that was when I was me.  Now, I don’t really know who I am.  I loved being with Tim, but Dad was right.  He wouldn’t have cared if I had died before midterm week.  I thought about all our time together.  Grace.  Her sad face jumped into my memories so fast I didn’t have time to prepare myself for it.  I gasped.  My parents stepped forward, their hands fluttering, trying to figure out what was wrong. 

“Grace told you I would be going out tonight, didn’t she.” It wasn’t a question; I knew the answer was yes.

         “Well honey, yes she did. But don’t be mad at her! She was just concerned about you and didn’t want you to get hurt.” Mom said quickly. 

         Wow.  After all the days I rejected her, Grace still cared.  I thought about the BFF necklace that was thrown onto my dresser upstairs.  I decided then that everybody else was right.  Two months ago.  That was when I was myself. 

“I’m not going.” I said triumphantly.

         My parents beamed.  “Well then!  How about you go upstairs and get some sleep?” My dad suggested proudly. 

         “Okay I will, but I want to call Grace first.” I pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket.  It was barely in front of me when my mom’s manicured fingers snatched it away. 

         “You can use the land line,” she said. “You’re still in trouble.”

         I smiled. Yup! There’s the parent I was waiting for.