Bad Kitty

"Oh yes, Oh God!" My owner was at it again. For some reason every time the mail carrier came by to use the potty, she always decided it was time to pray. The door to her bedroom was slightly ajar so I nudged it open with my nose. There she was, on her knees in front of the mail carrier, saying her daily prayers, though her mouth was a bit full. The mail carrier lifted her up and pushed her towards the bed, and for some reason, my owner's legs opened. It seemed as if he was about to do something bad to her so I crawled slowly towards him, my nails ready to scratch him. He bent over and my paws scrapped across his bare bottom.

"Son of a b--" I couldn't believe he kissed his mother or his wife with that kind of potty mouth. My male owner would never be caught saying such bad words in this house that is why I preferred him. That and he always fed me the wet food, not that dry icky stuff. He turned and tried to swat me away. So I did what any good Queen would do, I hissed at him and let him know that I wasn't going to back down from someone like him. I swatted at him again, this time catching him in the face.

"Damn cat!" My female owner yelled! I have no idea why she thought it was ok to say things like that or 'eat my pussy', I didn't know that humans actually ate my species. It made me worry that one day she was going to try and lure me into a pan and fry me up for dinner or something. The thought scared me, it scared me something fierce.

The mail carrier grabbed his clothes and seemed to put them on in a major hurry. I guess prayer time was over and he needed to finish delivering the mail. My female owner shot me a look that told me that she wasn't pleased with me, but I had just saved her from being hurt so why wasn't she happy?

After the mail carrier slammed our door shut, my female owner went into the kitchen. Maybe I should follow her, I thought to myself. So I did, and found her getting the stuff together for dinner. This was an encouraging sign, it meant that she wasn't really mad at me; it meant that she wasn't going to eat me. She took a package from the refrigerator and set it on the counter. She was saying something but I didn't understand the code that she was speaking in. "As soon as that deadbeat, good for nothing husband of mine is gone, then so are you. I can't believe what you did! Bad kitty!"

I jumped up on the counter, wondering what she was saying. Sometimes I wished that I knew what these humans were thinking and saying. They talked about nonsensical things and always prayed at the weirdest, most inconvenient times. Sometimes even when it was feeding time that really upset me. My female owner opened up the package and I realized that it was fish. She must have forgotten that the male owner was allergic to fish. I remember because he tried to eat the tuna he was feeding me one time and almost died.

Frantically I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen to me. My words came out in purrs but every other time this happened; they both seemed to get what I was trying to say. Yet this time the female owner just ignored me, started to put the ingredients together. There was nothing else for me to do, except stop her anyway that I could. First I tried nudging her with my nose, but she pushed me away unhappily. She was really mad at me for stopping prayer time but what else was I going to do when she was about to be hurt?

Finally I gave up trying to communicate with her, and figured the best way I could help was by stopping her from actually cooking the meal. The only thing that I could think of doing was to go head first into the bowl that she was about to drop the fish into. There was something yellow in it. Next to that was a bowl with some white powdery substance in it. My head hit the bowl with the yellow and it flipped over, the goop flew everywhere. My female owner scowled at me, and picked me up by the neck and threw me on to the floor. She still didn't understand what I was trying to tell her.

So like the good little helper I was, I got back onto the counter and ran at the bowl with the white stuff in it. With my head already hurting, I didn't want to use it to hit another bowl but how else would I do it? Once again I went head first into the bowl and this time the contents went way into the air and fell like snow the ground. It covered my female owner, who didn't seem to appreciate what I was doing. She had the look of anger on her face as she came at me.

Instinctively my paws went up and nails came out. When she came at me, I threw my paw at her, catching her face. She yelped in surprise and came at me again, this time I moved and knocked over a box with a skeleton and bones on it over.

Everything changed when the front door opened and my male owner walked through the door. He came into the kitchen and looked at the mess and looked at the female owner, a puzzled look on his face. "Your stupid cat knocked everything over. I guess we have to go out to eat."

"Bad kitty!" He yelled but rubbed my head. It felt nice.